March 1, 2012
Dear Bryan,
It’s been almost 8 months and I still feel as horrible today as I did when I first found out. I don’t feel one bit better. I don’t think I’m dealing with things better or coping with things better at all; I just feel horrible. I’ve started taking melatonin to sleep and at least I can sleep now, but I don’t feel like getting out of bed. I don’t want to deal with or face life because it just hurts too much.
I don’t feel joy at all and most of the time; I just feel like I’m going through the motions. It is just so, so, so hard to function. I’m lonely and I miss you so much and I wish I had someone to sit with at night or someone to come by and visit. I feel like a boat that lost its oars and rudder and I’m just aimlessly drifting along. I ‘see’ you everywhere and I picture you walking through the door. We did so many things together and I still cannot believe that I won’t ever see you again. I think of you all the time and if I could do anything to get you back; I would. I still can’t imagine going on without you. We were on a path together and we had plans and dreams and now I’m stuck at a fork in the road and I don’t know which way to go. Actually, I think I’m stuck on a roundabout and I just keep going around and around and around…I don’t know how to go on without you.
I hurt all the time. I don’t see a future without you because this just hurts way too much. I have to laugh when people say they can tell I’m doing better and I just want to say, “Oh, yeah?” because everything just sucks and I don’t see or feel any joy in life. This is the toughest, hardest road I’ve ever been down and everything is just so, so, so hard. I can barely get out to run errands and I don’t feel like I get anything done. I hate this all so much.
If you were here, you would probably be very stressed out right now. Your brother, Bernie, and sister-in-law, Margie, were in a horrible car accident in Florida on January 29 of this year.
Margie is still in a coma and Bernie will be in a back brace for 10-12 weeks. I’m kind of wondering how Shirley is doing at the nursery all by herself. She had to do roses this year without you and I can’t help but wonder how she did; if the machines broke down and who ran the loader. Maybe she’s enjoying it because she can be the Queen Bee and be totally in charge. Shirley likes being in charge of things.
I wonder if you’re holding on to Moriah and if you’ve met the two little ones we lost. Do they have cars that need to be repaired in Heaven? And do you have your pole barn now? Isaiah misses you so much and every time I think of how much he misses and loves you; I cry. He’s the saddest little boy ever and it breaks my heart to see him cry for you. He throws pennies in fountains and wishes that his Daddy can be alive again and he prays to God to make you alive. I don’t think I will ever ‘get’ why my little boy can’t have the Daddy that he loved so much. He doesn’t have anyone to be his Daddy now and it’s the saddest thing in the world. It amazes me that you did so much for your family and your brother, Bruce, and yet he’s never called me once to see if he could do anything to help me or the kids out. It makes me incredibly sad. I guess the ‘helpful road’ only went one way.
Amazingly enough Solomon has really stepped up to the plate and he’s done a lot with Isaiah. I dropped the kids off at Gilda’s Club this week and Isaiah’s class talked about their support person and he made a little Solomon doll. He put an ‘S’ on the back of the doll’s head. I thought it was really cute. He said Solomon was his support person because he ‘played with him.’ Oh, to be little and have your world be that simple again. I’m so sad that I don’t think anyone wants to ‘play with’ me. Heck, I don’t even like being around me! I’m no fun at all.
I also don’t understand how so many people just think I am or should be okay now. I don’t know how to go on from here. I cry myself to sleep every night and the pain inside is so awful that I don’t know how everyone can’t see it. Sometimes I feel like I might explode from how awful I feel. I think about all of the things we did together and the plans we had for the future. It was OUR house and OUR lives and OUR future and now it’s just me and that’s incredibly sad to me.
I remember how you looked when we got married. We were on the kneeling bench and the minister was praying over us and I couldn’t even look at you because you were crying and I knew if I looked at you; I would cry, too. I knew when I married you that I was getting a good guy and even though we went through some tough times; you were always my guy and I loved you so much. You made me laugh when things were awful. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office after she had told us the baby didn’t have a heart beat and you said something that made me laugh. You always had a way of making me feel better; even when you didn’t understand.
I have so few regrets on our time together because most of it was good. Even when you were annoyed with me; you treated me with respect and you didn’t ‘play dirty’ or name call. I liked that about you so much. I miss talking to you so, so much. I feel like a part of me is missing without you here. How does one go one without a part of themselves? Honestly, it surprises me how lost I am without you here. When a person is with someone else for so long, they just depend on that person and sometimes take them for granted. Although, I don’t think I’ve ever taken you for granted, I didn’t realize how much of my life with intermeshed with yours. I miss you more than I ever thought I would.
You know how I always told you to marry again if I died? I also always told you that I would probably get married again. Well, I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. I see you in my head all the time and I hear your voice. I miss you every day, all day long, in a way that I never imagined. The pain is worse and greater than I could have ever thought it could be. This is all so final, so sudden, so awful, so wrong. How can I be without my best friend? I thought we would have the rest of our lives together and I wasn’t prepared for your loss.
There are so many things I need to figure out by myself now and it’s all so very overwhelming. I still haven’t gotten an oil change. I still run out of toilet paper and garbage tags and I’m glad the snow wasn’t too bad this year because the driveway doesn’t get shoveled as good as when you were here. We still have leaves on the ground in the yard, too. You NEVER would have put up with that at all. You kept the yard looking nice. I just don’t even know where to begin now. Life is just so tough right now.
And, since it’s bedtime, I should say good-night. I love you,
Karyn
