September 3, 2011

September 3, 2011

            Dear Bryan,

            I don’t understand why some people think I should just be okay and that things shouldn’t bother me.  How CAN I just be okay when I’ve lost my best friend in the whole world and my world is shattered into two?  I lost so much; the kids lost so much; and life is totally different.  But I’m just supposed to let pieces and parts of you go and go on with my life like nothing ever happened.  How do I erase someone from my life that I loved so much?  How do I just cut you out of my life?  And why don’t people understand that to let go of pieces of you is like cutting out my heart?

            I am seriously SO annoyed with everyone right now.  I want to sit in the corner and cry because I’m NOT okay and yet I’m expected to be okay.  I’m expected to do things like nothing is wrong.  “Oh, just make that phone call; it’s no big deal.”  Yeah, it IS a big deal.  Most days suck, most days I get up and my chest hurts and I miss you so darn much so I need to take advantage of my good days to get the things done that I can on those days.  I am OVERWHELMED and yet I’m just supposed to suck it up.  I’m sad and devastated and overwhelmed, but it’s just okay and I should carry on like nothing happened.

            I look at people laughing and carrying on and I just can’t relate.  It’s like my heart is ripped out.  We were two plants and our roots were growing together and they were intertwined and not your roots were ripped out and mine were ripped out with yours.  How CAN I be okay when my roots are ripped and bleeding?  And why don’t some people get it?  Why can’t they see how badly I feel and why do they just expect me to be able to accomplish things like I did before?

            Oh, and just so you know; your sister ‘S’ is a total ass.  I had to call her the other day and she asked how I was and I said ‘not very good’ and she actually asked me why!  I said, “I lost my husband” and she said, “Oh, Karyn, you need to get over that.”  So, in 6 weeks I’m supposed to get over you?  I just can’t do that.  I see you everywhere and I hear your voice in my head and I can picture you walking through the door.  Losing you was like losing a part of myself.  I never thought I could miss someone so darn much.  You honestly were my very best friend.  I’m so glad that I told you all the time how much I loved you.  I am officially NOT talking to ‘S’.  Oh, and she’s holding some of your things hostage because she thinks I have some of her husband’s tools.  I don’t think so and Matt is going to come over and look through the tools to doublecheck.  I am seriously trying NOT to hate this woman.  For your sister that you worked with all of your adult life to tell me to get over your death in SIX WEEKS just amazed me.  It also totally pisses me off.  I want to smack her.  I guess it also tells me a lot about what type of person she is.

            I just feel bad, bad, bad today.  I don’t feel like I rate at all.  Oh, and I can’t complain because people are helping me out and I shouldn’t expect it.  I guess I will just do what I can and go on from there.    I just feel like I can’t depend on anyone and I can’t complain about it because people are doing things out of the kindness of their hearts.  I’m just sad.  You’re not here to see the new baby and you’re not here to tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad about ‘S’ and you’re not here to tell me that it’s okay that certain people don’t understand how sad I am.  Of course, if you were here, I wouldn’t be sad so that’s kind of a moot point, but you know what I mean. 

            I just wish people could understand how bad I feel, but maybe they would have to lose their spouse to do that and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone because it’s a lot more painful than I ever thought it would be.  I never knew someone could feel this bad and still be walking around and talking.  I just feel SO awful!  The past few days I haven’t even been able to knit and I think the dumbest things, too.  I’ve been thinking things like this:  1) I’ve had my cat, Lacey, longer than I had you. 2) I never knitted anything for you.  It doesn’t matter that you didn’t WANT any knitted item; it still makes me very sad that I never knitted anything for you. 

            I think more things than that, but those are the two top things that really upset me.  Maybe they sound like dumb things, but they really bother me.  Stupid things bother me now.  I had to buy paper towel for the first time since you died and you used to buy the paper towels because you were always cleaning up your car and I almost cried when I was buying it.  Solomon was with me and he kept telling me it was okay.  When we got home, I told Solomon that you needed to come back because I missed you too much and he said you were afraid to come back because I would yell at you for being gone too long!  That made me laugh.  Sometimes Solomon can be quite funny.

            Solomon has been trying to do things with Isaiah because he knows how sad Isaiah is about you dying.  He takes him out to swing on the swings or he takes him for a bike ride and things like that.  It makes me sad that he is the one who is doing these things with Isaiah because you should be here to do them.  And I know Solomon wouldn’t be living here if you were.  He is trying and he is pitching in to watch Isaiah, but the whole thing is just so, so sad to me.  Heck, everything is sad to me.  It’s sad when I go places and I’m around people who know and they act like everything is okay.  How CAN it be okay when you’re not here?  How can I be okay when you’re not here?  And why do they expect me to be okay without you around?  It boggles my mind.

            I brought Isaiah, Mike, and Tabitha to Sandy Pines today.  I was feeling guilty that the poor little kid had had such an awful summer since his Dad died on 7/8/2011. I can just see the kids going back to school and on the "What did you do this summer page" they can write, "My Dad died." The grieving has taken up most of their summer and it sucks!  I was planning on taking the kids to the Frederick Meijer gardens and the zoo and some other fun things and we didn’t do any of them.
            SANITIZED VERSION - PARTS OMITTED

I guess I should be grateful for what help I have gotten and I guess I’m sounding very ungrateful right now so I’ll stop writing because I’ll probably just tick people off.  Karyn probably just needs to stop whining and to stop feeling sorry for herself.  Maybe I’ll write more later on.

            Karyn who is a sad, sad person right now.