April 15, 2014

Dear Bryan,

For the longest time I wasn't okay and I wasn't sure I would EVER be okay again.  I was struggling big time and I didn't think I would ever smile or laugh or be happy again.  I went back to Grief Share in January of this year because I didn't want our children to think that the day their Dad died, they lost their Mother. 

I have learned a lot and I have been clawing my way back to sanity and wholeness and emotional well-being.  It has been a struggle, but I knew I had to try hard to work my way back to God and happiness.  Grief is HARD work.  I didn't think I would ever get beyond the pain and sadness of losing you and it has been a very, very slow process.

While I don't think I will EVER get over losing you or missing you, I am okay now to go on and live my life.  I will forever hold you close to my heart and I hope you know how very much I loved you.  Losing you was the single most devastating thing that has ever happened to me.  I never thought I would find someone as wonderful as you and you blessed my life so much.  The children and I talk about you every day.  We laugh about the funny things you did and we share stories about you. 

I cleaned off the top of your dresser last week and it was hard, but it was okay.  I knew it was time to deal with it.  i had avoided it before and piled tons of stuff on top of it so I didn't have to think about it.  And on Friday I ordered your headstone.  Again, it was WAYYYY past time to get it for you and I feel bad that it took me this long to get one for you. 

I was so angry with God for so long for taking you from us.  I did everything 'right' before I married you and our kids deserved their wonderful Father.  I couldn't even bear to speak to God for the longest time.  I went back to Grief Share because I knew I needed help and I didn't want to get stuck in my grief and I wanted to get back to a relationship with God.  Henk, the leader, helped me so much.  I am so grateful to him for being willing to lead our 'group of two'.  Because of him and Grief Share I am back on talking terms with God.  In fact, I am taking the kids back to church and I am back to working on my relationship with God.  It's nice to be on speaking terms with God again.  I feel more like myself than I have since you died.   

Anyone who hasn't 'been there' has NO CLUE how painful it is to lose one's spouse.  I couldn't believe the physical pain I had for months and months after you died.  I missed you more than I ever thought one could miss someone and maybe a part of me will always miss you.  Still I'm doing so much better than I was doing and I'm so grateful to have known you and to have had you in my life. 

I'm doing much better now.  I'm going to try to raise our children to always know you and to love God.  I love you so much!

Your wife,

Karyn