April 22, 2014

Dear Bryan,

Here I sit alone with my thoughts again.  I sit and wonder if I'm doing enough for the kids, do I talk to them enough, do I meet their needs enough, do I hold them accountable for their actions, do I love them enough?  I always worry about them and wish they had a Dad.  I feel so bad for Isaiah to have been so young and not have a Father and Christian who misses you so much and who wants a Dad.  I know Dads are important and that is something that I just can't fix for our kids.  Tabitha is mostly okay because she's never had a Dad, but Mikeala was a 'Daddy's girl' and she mourns for you and grieves for you. 

I try so hard to make the right decisions regarding the kids, but I often feel like I fall short.  I am just one person and it's tough to try to do it all and I am stressed out and overwhelmed a lot.  I think Isaiah needs to go for counseling, but I can only do one child at a time and right now Christian is in counseling.  I'm at my Max and most of the time; I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job with the kids.  I always have to be 'on' and I always have to be the bad guy and the disciplinarian and some days I just get sick of it.  I want to go away and not have to worry about the kids, but I can't because it's just me.  I'm it and I always try to do the best I can for the kids, but I just feel so tired and it's such a heavy load on me.  Some days I just feel so overwhelmed by the responsibility that it's all I can do not to cry. 

And some days I wonder if anyone will ever love my children as much as I do and as much as you did.  I think it will take a very, very special guy who is willing to give the kids a chance.  Right now that seems like an impossible fantasy because how could I ever expect someone to have as much love for the kids as I do?  It's probably just too much to ask of any guy.  I figure any guy will find out I'm a neurotic mess and run for the hills anyway.  I'm only kind of joking on that one...

Yeah, I'm feeling a bit down tonight.  Some days I just get so overwhelmed by everything.  I think I'm doing much better emotionally, but there are days when I am just so.darn.tired by having to be 'on' so much.  This is one of those days.  My head hurts and my eyes burn from unshed tears and I'm worried that I won't do the children justice.  I pray about it often, but I still worry about them a lot.

I've finally let go of the 'whys' and I think I've come a long ways toward accepting my present reality, but I can't say that I have let go of the fear yet.  It's so easy for others to toss around the, "Trust God" and "Pray about it" phrases, but it's so much tougher to put that all into practice;especially when the stakes are so high.  I don't get a 'do over' if I mess things up with the kids.  I have one go around and there are times I just don't feel like I am making the right decisions with them.  I even missed Christian's parent/teacher conferences this year!  I feel like I failed as a Mother right there...And his grades aren't what they should be so do I ground him, do I leave it up to him, do I tell him to do better?  Sometimes I just don't know if I'm making the right decisions and then I worry about them.  Other times I go to talk to him and watch him shut down and I wish you were here to talk to him because I'm sick of doing it alone.

And Isaiah is so little and he struggles to see where he fits into the world and his new reality.  I think he needs counseling and sometimes I just don't know how to help him.  He's still behind in his reading and he fights me on reading.  That's when I worry about if I read to him enough, do I make him read enough, does he write enough, am I doing enough with him and for him?  Do I hold him accountable enough?  Do I let him watch too much television?  It's just all too much.  He's such a neat, inventive, creative little kid who makes me laugh a lot; will anyone else ever see those things or will they just see the times he's bossy or rude?

Right now if I had just one word to describe my life it would be overwhelmed.  Maybe I'm hard on myself, but it's how I really feel.  It weighs on me so much to try to always do the right things for the kids.  And there are days that I would just like to go back to being a little girl whose Mommy takes care of her.  I know that can't happen so I get up again the next day and I do it all over again and try to trust that I'm doing the right things for my kids.  It's sad because they used to be our kids and now they are just my kids.  It's sad, but it's a reality.

And I wonder if you recognized Moriah when you went to Heaven.  Did you know her?  Are you taking care of my little girl?  And did you recognize my Grandparents?  You were more like my Grandpa than any man I've ever met.  I know he would have liked you a lot and I wish he could have met you.  My Mom says you're probably up in Heaven fixing everyone's cars.  Dad doesn't really say much; I think he keeps a lot inside.  I'm doing better with you being in Heaven and I don't feel as angry about you dying as I did before.  It was too heavy of a load to keep carrying around with me so I worked really hard to let go of it.

I'm getting pretty tired so I'm going to head up to bed.

Love,

Your wife, Karyn