April 22, 2014

Dear Bryan,

Here I sit alone with my thoughts again.  I sit and wonder if I'm doing enough for the kids, do I talk to them enough, do I meet their needs enough, do I hold them accountable for their actions, do I love them enough?  I always worry about them and wish they had a Dad.  I feel so bad for Isaiah to have been so young and not have a Father and Christian who misses you so much and who wants a Dad.  I know Dads are important and that is something that I just can't fix for our kids.  Tabitha is mostly okay because she's never had a Dad, but Mikeala was a 'Daddy's girl' and she mourns for you and grieves for you. 

I try so hard to make the right decisions regarding the kids, but I often feel like I fall short.  I am just one person and it's tough to try to do it all and I am stressed out and overwhelmed a lot.  I think Isaiah needs to go for counseling, but I can only do one child at a time and right now Christian is in counseling.  I'm at my Max and most of the time; I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job with the kids.  I always have to be 'on' and I always have to be the bad guy and the disciplinarian and some days I just get sick of it.  I want to go away and not have to worry about the kids, but I can't because it's just me.  I'm it and I always try to do the best I can for the kids, but I just feel so tired and it's such a heavy load on me.  Some days I just feel so overwhelmed by the responsibility that it's all I can do not to cry. 

And some days I wonder if anyone will ever love my children as much as I do and as much as you did.  I think it will take a very, very special guy who is willing to give the kids a chance.  Right now that seems like an impossible fantasy because how could I ever expect someone to have as much love for the kids as I do?  It's probably just too much to ask of any guy.  I figure any guy will find out I'm a neurotic mess and run for the hills anyway.  I'm only kind of joking on that one...

Yeah, I'm feeling a bit down tonight.  Some days I just get so overwhelmed by everything.  I think I'm doing much better emotionally, but there are days when I am just so.darn.tired by having to be 'on' so much.  This is one of those days.  My head hurts and my eyes burn from unshed tears and I'm worried that I won't do the children justice.  I pray about it often, but I still worry about them a lot.

I've finally let go of the 'whys' and I think I've come a long ways toward accepting my present reality, but I can't say that I have let go of the fear yet.  It's so easy for others to toss around the, "Trust God" and "Pray about it" phrases, but it's so much tougher to put that all into practice;especially when the stakes are so high.  I don't get a 'do over' if I mess things up with the kids.  I have one go around and there are times I just don't feel like I am making the right decisions with them.  I even missed Christian's parent/teacher conferences this year!  I feel like I failed as a Mother right there...And his grades aren't what they should be so do I ground him, do I leave it up to him, do I tell him to do better?  Sometimes I just don't know if I'm making the right decisions and then I worry about them.  Other times I go to talk to him and watch him shut down and I wish you were here to talk to him because I'm sick of doing it alone.

And Isaiah is so little and he struggles to see where he fits into the world and his new reality.  I think he needs counseling and sometimes I just don't know how to help him.  He's still behind in his reading and he fights me on reading.  That's when I worry about if I read to him enough, do I make him read enough, does he write enough, am I doing enough with him and for him?  Do I hold him accountable enough?  Do I let him watch too much television?  It's just all too much.  He's such a neat, inventive, creative little kid who makes me laugh a lot; will anyone else ever see those things or will they just see the times he's bossy or rude?

Right now if I had just one word to describe my life it would be overwhelmed.  Maybe I'm hard on myself, but it's how I really feel.  It weighs on me so much to try to always do the right things for the kids.  And there are days that I would just like to go back to being a little girl whose Mommy takes care of her.  I know that can't happen so I get up again the next day and I do it all over again and try to trust that I'm doing the right things for my kids.  It's sad because they used to be our kids and now they are just my kids.  It's sad, but it's a reality.

And I wonder if you recognized Moriah when you went to Heaven.  Did you know her?  Are you taking care of my little girl?  And did you recognize my Grandparents?  You were more like my Grandpa than any man I've ever met.  I know he would have liked you a lot and I wish he could have met you.  My Mom says you're probably up in Heaven fixing everyone's cars.  Dad doesn't really say much; I think he keeps a lot inside.  I'm doing better with you being in Heaven and I don't feel as angry about you dying as I did before.  It was too heavy of a load to keep carrying around with me so I worked really hard to let go of it.

I'm getting pretty tired so I'm going to head up to bed.

Love,

Your wife, Karyn

April 15, 2014

Dear Bryan,

For the longest time I wasn't okay and I wasn't sure I would EVER be okay again.  I was struggling big time and I didn't think I would ever smile or laugh or be happy again.  I went back to Grief Share in January of this year because I didn't want our children to think that the day their Dad died, they lost their Mother. 

I have learned a lot and I have been clawing my way back to sanity and wholeness and emotional well-being.  It has been a struggle, but I knew I had to try hard to work my way back to God and happiness.  Grief is HARD work.  I didn't think I would ever get beyond the pain and sadness of losing you and it has been a very, very slow process.

While I don't think I will EVER get over losing you or missing you, I am okay now to go on and live my life.  I will forever hold you close to my heart and I hope you know how very much I loved you.  Losing you was the single most devastating thing that has ever happened to me.  I never thought I would find someone as wonderful as you and you blessed my life so much.  The children and I talk about you every day.  We laugh about the funny things you did and we share stories about you. 

I cleaned off the top of your dresser last week and it was hard, but it was okay.  I knew it was time to deal with it.  i had avoided it before and piled tons of stuff on top of it so I didn't have to think about it.  And on Friday I ordered your headstone.  Again, it was WAYYYY past time to get it for you and I feel bad that it took me this long to get one for you. 

I was so angry with God for so long for taking you from us.  I did everything 'right' before I married you and our kids deserved their wonderful Father.  I couldn't even bear to speak to God for the longest time.  I went back to Grief Share because I knew I needed help and I didn't want to get stuck in my grief and I wanted to get back to a relationship with God.  Henk, the leader, helped me so much.  I am so grateful to him for being willing to lead our 'group of two'.  Because of him and Grief Share I am back on talking terms with God.  In fact, I am taking the kids back to church and I am back to working on my relationship with God.  It's nice to be on speaking terms with God again.  I feel more like myself than I have since you died.   

Anyone who hasn't 'been there' has NO CLUE how painful it is to lose one's spouse.  I couldn't believe the physical pain I had for months and months after you died.  I missed you more than I ever thought one could miss someone and maybe a part of me will always miss you.  Still I'm doing so much better than I was doing and I'm so grateful to have known you and to have had you in my life. 

I'm doing much better now.  I'm going to try to raise our children to always know you and to love God.  I love you so much!

Your wife,

Karyn

March 27, 2014

Dear Bryan,

I have mourned you for a very long time and I have been sad for a long time.  In fact, I have been sadder than I ever thought one could be sad.  I went back to Grief Share this year and it has been really good for me.  When you first died and really for the past two plus years, I've felt like God hated me.  I know God didn't allow you to die to 'get me', but it certainly felt personal.  I did everything 'right' before I married you and we were supposed to grow old together and raise our children together.  I was left with the 'whys' and tons and tons of anger.

It has been lots of work, but I'm doing much better now.  I didn't realize that it was such a tough process to grieve!  Losing you was the single hardest thing I've ever done.  I hope you know how very much I loved you. 

Your wife,

Karyn

January 30, 2014

Dear Bryan,

Today is your birthday. I've thought of you all day long. I've missed you as much today as I do every day. I told myself that I wasn't going to cry or be sad today so instead I took 4 of the kids to lunch. We went to the mall and had lunch at Olga's. My Mom joined us and my Dad gave her money to pay for all of us! It was lots of fun and even though I tried my hardest not to think of you and it being your birthday, I did anyway.

I think I'm doing a bit better than I was before, but I still miss you SO.DARN.MUCH. Some days are worse than others. Some days I just feel like I was socked in the gut and the missing just takes my breath away.

I don't say that you were my everything because I don't think any one person should be another person's everything, but you were my best friend in the world and I could tell you anything. I feel like I lost my left arm because you were that much to me.

I thought of all of the things I would have said to you today if you were here. I would have called you in the morning to wish you a happy birthday and you would have said, "Thank you" in your sexy voice. You always blushed when I told you that, but man you did have a very sexy voice.

Isaiah is getting SO big! You would be so proud of your little guy. I worry that he will forget about you. He was only 6 when you died; that's so young. He recently lost both of his top teeth and he looks so funny with missing teeth. He's missing one of the bottom, too, so he has a very 'toothy' smile. And he keeps trying to fix things, just like you did. I wonder how much of your mechanical abilities he will have. Sometimes I just let him try things to see how he will do and he's fixed several things already.

Every single day I wish you were still here. I love you more than I even knew. I really hope you knew how much I loved you. I loved having dinner together and spending time with you and just being with you. I miss you so darn much!

Happy birthday in heaven.

Your wife, Karyn

March 1, 2012March 1, 2012

March 1, 2012

            Dear Bryan,

It’s been almost 8 months and I still feel as horrible today as I did when I first found out.  I don’t feel one bit better.  I don’t think I’m dealing with things better or coping with things better at all; I just feel horrible.  I’ve started taking melatonin to sleep and at least I can sleep now, but I don’t feel like getting out of bed.  I don’t want to deal with or face life because it just hurts too much.

I don’t feel joy at all and most of the time; I just feel like I’m going through the motions.  It is just so, so, so hard to function.  I’m lonely and I miss you so much and I wish I had someone to sit with at night or someone to come by and visit.  I feel like a boat that lost its oars and rudder and I’m just aimlessly drifting along.  I ‘see’ you everywhere and I picture you walking through the door.  We did so many things together and I still cannot believe that I won’t ever see you again.  I think of you all the time and if I could do anything to get you back; I would.  I still can’t imagine going on without you.  We were on a path together and we had plans and dreams and now I’m stuck at a fork in the road and I don’t know which way to go.  Actually, I think I’m stuck on a roundabout and I just keep going around and around and around…I don’t know how to go on without you.

I hurt all the time.  I don’t see a future without you because this just hurts way too much.  I have to laugh when people say they can tell I’m doing better and I just want to say, “Oh, yeah?” because everything just sucks and I don’t see or feel any joy in life.  This is the toughest, hardest road I’ve ever been down and everything is just so, so, so hard.  I can barely get out to run errands and I don’t feel like I get anything done.  I hate this all so much.

      If you were here, you would probably be very stressed out right now.  Your brother, Bernie, 
and sister-in-law, Margie, were in a horrible car accident in Florida on January 29 of this year.  
 Margie is still in a coma and Bernie will be in a back brace for 10-12 weeks.  I’m kind of wondering how Shirley is doing at the nursery all by herself.  She had to do roses this year without you and I can’t help but wonder how she did; if the machines broke down and who ran the loader.  Maybe she’s enjoying it because she can be the Queen Bee and be totally in charge.  Shirley likes being in charge of things.

I wonder if you’re holding on to Moriah and if you’ve met the two little ones we lost.  Do they have cars that need to be repaired in Heaven?  And do you have your pole barn now?  Isaiah misses you so much and every time I think of how much he misses and loves you; I cry.  He’s the saddest little boy ever and it breaks my heart to see him cry for you.  He throws pennies in fountains and wishes that his Daddy can be alive again and he prays to God to make you alive.  I don’t think I will ever ‘get’ why my little boy can’t have the Daddy that he loved so much.  He doesn’t have anyone to be his Daddy now and it’s the saddest thing in the world.  It amazes me that you did so much for your family and your brother, Bruce, and yet he’s never called me once to see if he could do anything to help me or the kids out.  It makes me incredibly sad.  I guess the ‘helpful road’ only went one way.

Amazingly enough Solomon has really stepped up to the plate and he’s done a lot with Isaiah.  I dropped the kids off at Gilda’s Club this week and Isaiah’s class talked about their support person and he made a little Solomon doll.  He put an ‘S’ on the back of the doll’s head.  I thought it was really cute.  He said Solomon was his support person because he ‘played with him.’  Oh, to be little and have your world be that simple again.  I’m so sad that I don’t think anyone wants to ‘play with’ me.  Heck, I don’t even like being around me!  I’m no fun at all.

I also don’t understand how so many people just think I am or should be okay now.   I don’t know how to go on from here.  I cry myself to sleep every night and the pain inside is so awful that I don’t know how everyone can’t see it.  Sometimes I feel like I might explode from how awful I feel.  I think about all of the things we did together and the plans we had for the future.  It was OUR house and OUR lives and OUR future and now it’s just me and that’s incredibly sad to me.

I remember how you looked when we got married.  We were on the kneeling bench and the minister was praying over us and I couldn’t even look at you because you were crying and I knew if I looked at you; I would cry, too.  I knew when I married you that I was getting a good guy and even though we went through some tough times; you were always my guy and I loved you so much.  You made me laugh when things were awful.  I remember sitting in the doctor’s office after she had told us the baby didn’t have a heart beat and you said something that made me laugh.  You always had a way of making me feel better; even when you didn’t understand.

I have so few regrets on our time together because most of it was good.  Even when you were annoyed with me; you treated me with respect and you didn’t ‘play dirty’ or name call.  I liked that about you so much.  I miss talking to you so, so much.  I feel like a part of me is missing without you here.  How does one go one without a part of themselves?  Honestly, it surprises me how lost I am without you here.  When a person is with someone else for so long, they just depend on that person and sometimes take them for granted.  Although, I don’t think I’ve ever taken you for granted, I didn’t realize how much of my life with intermeshed with yours.  I miss you more than I ever thought I would.

You know how I always told you to marry again if I died?  I also always told you that I would probably get married again.  Well, I can’t imagine my life with anyone else.  I see you in my head all the time and I hear your voice.  I miss you every day, all day long, in a way that I never imagined.  The pain is worse and greater than I could have ever thought it could be.  This is all so final, so sudden, so awful, so wrong.  How can I be without my best friend?  I thought we would have the rest of our lives together and I wasn’t prepared for your loss. 

There are so many things I need to figure out by myself now and it’s all so very overwhelming.  I still haven’t gotten an oil change.  I still run out of toilet paper and garbage tags and I’m glad the snow wasn’t too bad this year because the driveway doesn’t get shoveled as good as when you were here.  We still have leaves on the ground in the yard, too.  You NEVER would have put up with that at all.  You kept the yard looking nice.  I just don’t even know where to begin now.  Life is just so tough right now.

And, since it’s bedtime, I should say good-night.  I love you,

Karyn

September 7, 2011

September 7, 2011

            Dear Bryan,

            Life has been busy since Tabitha was born.  She was born one week and two days ago.  Her full name is Tabitha Bryanna Rose deWit and she’s beautiful.  I really wish you could be here to see her because I know you would love her.  And, as expected, some family has already given me flack about adopting her.
        SANITIZED
I could just cry right now.  I wish you were here to talk to about it because I know you would understand.  You would tell me that it’s okay and that you loved me and that we were doing the right thing.  You were always right there with me in the corner.  ::SIGH::  This is all so hard and I’m tired of trying to fight for things that I shouldn’t have to fight for.  You would totally get where I’m coming from and you would know how bad I felt.  Or if you didn’t know how bad I felt, you would at least hold my hand or hug me and tell me it was going to be okay.    
         SANITIZED

Oh, Bryan, you would have understood my dismay and my sadness and my tears; why did you have to leave?  I wish you could come back to us because we all miss you so much!  You were my sexy guy and I need you so much.  

I have something exciting to tell you; my Mom brought over a smaller bike for Isaiah and he looked at it and said, “I think I can ride that without training wheels” and he jumped on it and rode it!  He was SO proud of himself!  Once again, it made me wish you were here because you would have loved it.  You would have watched him and said something like, “Way to go, Punk!”  Of course, he had to ride the bike most of that night and he rode it today when he got home from school, too.  He’s such a cute little kid.

Isaiah started first grade yesterday.  He still kept saying that he didn’t want to go to first grade and he wanted to be homeschooled, but I think by that he meant he wanted to watch t.v. all day and play.  LOL  I was really sad because there was a little girl at the bus stop who was starting Kindergarten and her brother who was starting third grade and their Dad stopped by to see them off.  His little girl said, “Daddy” and ran over to her Dad and he picked her up and hugged her and hugged her over again.  It made me so sad because Isaiah won’t ever be able to hug you like that again.  I know he still has me, but he loved his Daddy so much and it makes me wonder again why you had to leave us. 

Anyway, I asked Isaiah what he liked about first grade and he told me recess!  He was impressed that he got TWO recesses a day now instead of one like he got in Kindergarten; he’s such a funny kid.  I love that little boy so much, when he’s not being annoying, that is.  LOL  He also told me he likes sleeping in his clothes because then he doesn’t have to change his clothes in the morning; he just needs to put clean socks on!  The boy cracks me up so much.  I woke him up today for school and he told me he was tired and he wanted to sleep more.  I told him that he had to get up and he accused me of taking his socks when he had left them downstairs the night before!  THEN he told me he had a stomach ache and he wanted to stay home.  I again told him he had to get up and he said he would get up, but he wasn’t going to get on the bus.  LOL  I was laughing inside so much as he was doing his ‘antics’.  Then he asked if he could ride his bike while he was waiting for the bus and I said ‘yes’.  Once the bus came, he got right on it so I guess he forgot about his stomach ache.  Ha, ha, ha….

I SO wish you were here so I could tell you funny stories like that because you enjoyed them so much.  You also ‘got’ my sense of humor and you had the same wicked sense of humor.  D was telling me about one time she was going to kill herself in her garage with her dog and she called her counselor from the garage and told him about it.  He told her to go in the house and call him back so he knew she was okay.  She said she came to her senses and went in the house, but she forgot to call him.  Then she told me that there was a knock at her door about 10 or 15 minutes later and someone was looking through her windows.  D said it was the police looking for a dead body.  I asked her if she laid down on the floor really still to freak them out and she didn’t laugh at all.  YOU would have cracked up like crazy at that one.  I wouldn’t have had to explain it to you at all.  Once again, it just made me totally sad that I didn’t have anyone to laugh with about the little things in life like that.  D didn't even really GET my humor in the situation at all.

We’ve been going to Gilda’s Club lately.  It makes me sad, but it’s good to be with other people who ‘get’ it.  I talked about S tonight and how she’s holding your things hostage.  Once we find a lawyer who can help us out with the trust stuff, I’m going to ask them to send her a letter saying I want my things back.  I don’t care if she gets pissed; I am sick of her holding things over my head.  It’s not right for her to say she’s not giving back the Sirrius radio and CB and inverter unless I give the generator back. 

I don’t care if I need to PAY the lawyer to get them back; she’s pissed me off too much to back down at this point.  I guess I just need to ‘channel my inner bitch’ now and take her on.  Speaking of that, Matt came over tonight and said there was only one thing of Bruce’s that you had and he’s going to bring it back to Shirley.  He SAID he would call her tomorrow so I hope he does.  I don’t want Shirley or ANYONE pawing through your things and I’m not going to allow her over here at all.  I don’t trust her one bit.  I asked her to write me up a list of what you supposedly had that was Bruce’s and she hasn’t done it yet.  I just wish someone would man up and take on the bitch because she NEEDS to be taken down a few pegs.  I suppose I shouldn’t talk about your sister like that, but if you don’t like it; you should just come back and tell me so!  :)

I asked Jenn and Jaki if they could talk to Shirley to get the things she’s holding hostage and neither one of them were willing to talk to her.  They both said it wasn’t any of their business.  It frustrates me that NO ONE will take Shirley on at all and they just allow her to continue pushing people around and taking advantage of them.  Do you remember me telling you how many family owned businesses fail in the third generation and you said you were going to retire before the business went under?  Well, I guess you DID retire, but not in the way we thought you would.  I reminded Jenn of the conversation you had with her about retiring and how she said she might retire first.  I guess you really did beat her to retiring first.  I wish you wouldn’t have, though!  Oh, for those reading along who are wondering how many businesses fail in the third generation only 12% succeed so you do the math.  Oh, and only FOUR PERCENT last into the 4^th generation.  I find those figures staggering.  And the biggest reason why businesses fail is because the 3^rd generation is GIVEN the businesses and they don’t have to work for it.  I think we can all agree that that is the case with Nick and Amy.  There is SO much dead wood at the business that it’s not even funny.   It makes me really glad that when the trust isn’t tied to how well the nursery is doing.  Well, that is when it finally gets settled and done with; it seems like it’s going to take FOREVER to get started at this point.   

Kathi and I met with a lawyer on Tuesday to see if she could help us get things rolling with the Trust and the lawyer who wrote up the will.  We keep asking him for things and he ‘hasn’t been able to put his hands on them’; it annoys me to death.  I think he’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t WANT us to have the paperwork on the lease payments.  I’m pushing for those to get paid out and I don’t really CARE if I have to sue the nursery to get them, either.  Anyway, the lawyer couldn’t help us, but she’s going to call around and see if she can find a lawyer who CAN help us.  And she said she could write up a will for me when I get to that point.  I just need to figure out what to do about the house and who would be guardians for the minor children.  Tiffany is out and Elisha and Solomon aren’t old enough or mature enough to do it.  I wish I knew what I should do about things like that; this is all so much to deal with.

Kathi and I met with a lawyer on Tuesday to see if she could help us get things rolling with the Trust and the lawyer who wrote up the will.  We keep asking him for things and he ‘hasn’t been able to put his hands on them’; it annoys me to death.  I think he’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t WANT us to have the paperwork on the lease payments.  I’m pushing for those to get paid out and I don’t really CARE if I have to sue the nursery to get them, either.  Anyway, the lawyer couldn’t help us, but she’s going to call around and see if she can find a lawyer who CAN help us.  And she said she could write up a will for me when I get to that point.  I just need to figure out what to do about the house and who would be guardians for the minor children.  Tiffany is out and Elisha and Solomon aren’t old enough or mature enough to do it.  I wish I knew what I should do about things like that; this is all so much to deal with.

Kathi and I met with a lawyer on Tuesday to see if she could help us get things rolling with the Trust and the lawyer who wrote up the will.  We keep asking him for things and he ‘hasn’t been able to put his hands on them’; it annoys me to death.  I think he’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t WANT us to have the paperwork on the lease payments.  I’m pushing for those to get paid out and I don’t really CARE if I have to sue the nursery to get them, either.  Anyway, the lawyer couldn’t help us, but she’s going to call around and see if she can find a lawyer who CAN help us.  And she said she could write up a will for me when I get to that point.  I just need to figure out what to do about the house and who would be guardians for the minor children.  Tiffany is out and Elisha and Solomon aren’t old enough or mature enough to do it.  I wish I knew what I should do about things like that; this is all so much to deal with.

Eventually, I need to figure out what to put on your gravestone, too.  It might take me a while to figure it out because it’s a BIG decision.  I also need to be getting a little bit more money before I get it because I need to pay for the cemetery plot first.  Everything is so.darn.expensive.  I couldn’t believe how expensive baby swings are so I haven’t gotten the one I want for Tabitha yet.  I need to make sure all of the bills are paid and on time first and then figure out how much money I’ll be getting every month.  I’m kind of worried about bills, but I’m trying really hard NOT to be.  I don’t think you ever thought you would be leaving me to deal with all of this stuff, either.  It just amazes me how many little details I’ve had to deal with.

Although there is nothing good about you being gone, I have had some wonderful ‘silver linings’ and some helpful people; for lack of a better way to put it.  Kathi has been SO helpful and I don’t know what I would do without her.  And my Rav family has been so awesome that I can’t even put into words how awesome they are.  I’m not sure if I told you yet that they had an on-line auction for me.  I love them so much and I wake up every day and thank God for them.  They are so awesome and I can’t thank them enough for what they did.  The money enabled me to pay for three months of insurance so the baby would be covered at birth and the hospital bills would be covered.  It has been so wonderful to know that they love me so much.  It’s also great to know that there are wonderful people in this world who care about others so much.  I know that probably sounds like I’m going overboard, but I’m really not because I get all teary eyed and choked up when I think about them and all they did for me.    

I think that’s enough for now, I love you.

Your wife, Karyn       

September 3, 2011

September 3, 2011

            Dear Bryan,

            I don’t understand why some people think I should just be okay and that things shouldn’t bother me.  How CAN I just be okay when I’ve lost my best friend in the whole world and my world is shattered into two?  I lost so much; the kids lost so much; and life is totally different.  But I’m just supposed to let pieces and parts of you go and go on with my life like nothing ever happened.  How do I erase someone from my life that I loved so much?  How do I just cut you out of my life?  And why don’t people understand that to let go of pieces of you is like cutting out my heart?

            I am seriously SO annoyed with everyone right now.  I want to sit in the corner and cry because I’m NOT okay and yet I’m expected to be okay.  I’m expected to do things like nothing is wrong.  “Oh, just make that phone call; it’s no big deal.”  Yeah, it IS a big deal.  Most days suck, most days I get up and my chest hurts and I miss you so darn much so I need to take advantage of my good days to get the things done that I can on those days.  I am OVERWHELMED and yet I’m just supposed to suck it up.  I’m sad and devastated and overwhelmed, but it’s just okay and I should carry on like nothing happened.

            I look at people laughing and carrying on and I just can’t relate.  It’s like my heart is ripped out.  We were two plants and our roots were growing together and they were intertwined and not your roots were ripped out and mine were ripped out with yours.  How CAN I be okay when my roots are ripped and bleeding?  And why don’t some people get it?  Why can’t they see how badly I feel and why do they just expect me to be able to accomplish things like I did before?

            Oh, and just so you know; your sister ‘S’ is a total ass.  I had to call her the other day and she asked how I was and I said ‘not very good’ and she actually asked me why!  I said, “I lost my husband” and she said, “Oh, Karyn, you need to get over that.”  So, in 6 weeks I’m supposed to get over you?  I just can’t do that.  I see you everywhere and I hear your voice in my head and I can picture you walking through the door.  Losing you was like losing a part of myself.  I never thought I could miss someone so darn much.  You honestly were my very best friend.  I’m so glad that I told you all the time how much I loved you.  I am officially NOT talking to ‘S’.  Oh, and she’s holding some of your things hostage because she thinks I have some of her husband’s tools.  I don’t think so and Matt is going to come over and look through the tools to doublecheck.  I am seriously trying NOT to hate this woman.  For your sister that you worked with all of your adult life to tell me to get over your death in SIX WEEKS just amazed me.  It also totally pisses me off.  I want to smack her.  I guess it also tells me a lot about what type of person she is.

            I just feel bad, bad, bad today.  I don’t feel like I rate at all.  Oh, and I can’t complain because people are helping me out and I shouldn’t expect it.  I guess I will just do what I can and go on from there.    I just feel like I can’t depend on anyone and I can’t complain about it because people are doing things out of the kindness of their hearts.  I’m just sad.  You’re not here to see the new baby and you’re not here to tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad about ‘S’ and you’re not here to tell me that it’s okay that certain people don’t understand how sad I am.  Of course, if you were here, I wouldn’t be sad so that’s kind of a moot point, but you know what I mean. 

            I just wish people could understand how bad I feel, but maybe they would have to lose their spouse to do that and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone because it’s a lot more painful than I ever thought it would be.  I never knew someone could feel this bad and still be walking around and talking.  I just feel SO awful!  The past few days I haven’t even been able to knit and I think the dumbest things, too.  I’ve been thinking things like this:  1) I’ve had my cat, Lacey, longer than I had you. 2) I never knitted anything for you.  It doesn’t matter that you didn’t WANT any knitted item; it still makes me very sad that I never knitted anything for you. 

            I think more things than that, but those are the two top things that really upset me.  Maybe they sound like dumb things, but they really bother me.  Stupid things bother me now.  I had to buy paper towel for the first time since you died and you used to buy the paper towels because you were always cleaning up your car and I almost cried when I was buying it.  Solomon was with me and he kept telling me it was okay.  When we got home, I told Solomon that you needed to come back because I missed you too much and he said you were afraid to come back because I would yell at you for being gone too long!  That made me laugh.  Sometimes Solomon can be quite funny.

            Solomon has been trying to do things with Isaiah because he knows how sad Isaiah is about you dying.  He takes him out to swing on the swings or he takes him for a bike ride and things like that.  It makes me sad that he is the one who is doing these things with Isaiah because you should be here to do them.  And I know Solomon wouldn’t be living here if you were.  He is trying and he is pitching in to watch Isaiah, but the whole thing is just so, so sad to me.  Heck, everything is sad to me.  It’s sad when I go places and I’m around people who know and they act like everything is okay.  How CAN it be okay when you’re not here?  How can I be okay when you’re not here?  And why do they expect me to be okay without you around?  It boggles my mind.

            I brought Isaiah, Mike, and Tabitha to Sandy Pines today.  I was feeling guilty that the poor little kid had had such an awful summer since his Dad died on 7/8/2011. I can just see the kids going back to school and on the "What did you do this summer page" they can write, "My Dad died." The grieving has taken up most of their summer and it sucks!  I was planning on taking the kids to the Frederick Meijer gardens and the zoo and some other fun things and we didn’t do any of them.
            SANITIZED VERSION - PARTS OMITTED

I guess I should be grateful for what help I have gotten and I guess I’m sounding very ungrateful right now so I’ll stop writing because I’ll probably just tick people off.  Karyn probably just needs to stop whining and to stop feeling sorry for herself.  Maybe I’ll write more later on.

            Karyn who is a sad, sad person right now.