Memories of my husband: 2011

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

September 7, 2011

Dear Bryan,

            Life has been busy since Tabitha was born. She was born one week and two days ago. Her full name is Tabitha Bryanna Rose deWit and she’s beautiful. I really wish you could be here to see her because I know you would love her. And, as expected, some family has already given me flack about adopting her.
        SANITIZED
I could just cry right now. I wish you were here to talk to about it because I know you would understand. You would tell me that it’s okay and that you loved me and that we were doing the right thing. You were always right there with me in the corner. ::SIGH:: This is all so hard and I’m tired of trying to fight for things that I shouldn’t have to fight for. You would totally get where I’m coming from and you would know how bad I felt. Or if you didn’t know how bad I felt, you would at least hold my hand or hug me and tell me it was going to be okay.
         SANITIZED

Oh, Bryan, you would have understood my dismay and my sadness and my tears; why did you have to leave? I wish you could come back to us because we all miss you so much! You were my sexy guy and I need you so much.

I have something exciting to tell you; my Mom brought over a smaller bike for Isaiah and he looked at it and said, “I think I can ride that without training wheels” and he jumped on it and rode it! He was SO proud of himself! Once again, it made me wish you were here because you would have loved it. You would have watched him and said something like, “Way to go, Punk!” Of course, he had to ride the bike most of that night and he rode it today when he got home from school, too. He’s such a cute little kid.

Isaiah started first grade yesterday. He still kept saying that he didn’t want to go to first grade and he wanted to be homeschooled, but I think by that he meant he wanted to watch t.v. all day and play. LOL I was really sad because there was a little girl at the bus stop who was starting Kindergarten and her brother who was starting third grade and their Dad stopped by to see them off. His little girl said, “Daddy” and ran over to her Dad and he picked her up and hugged her and hugged her over again. It made me so sad because Isaiah won’t ever be able to hug you like that again. I know he still has me, but he loved his Daddy so much and it makes me wonder again why you had to leave us.

Anyway, I asked Isaiah what he liked about first grade and he told me recess! He was impressed that he got TWO recesses a day now instead of one like he got in Kindergarten; he’s such a funny kid. I love that little boy so much, when he’s not being annoying, that is. LOL He also told me he likes sleeping in his clothes because then he doesn’t have to change his clothes in the morning; he just needs to put clean socks on! The boy cracks me up so much. I woke him up today for school and he told me he was tired and he wanted to sleep more. I told him that he had to get up and he accused me of taking his socks when he had left them downstairs the night before! THEN he told me he had a stomach ache and he wanted to stay home. I again told him he had to get up and he said he would get up, but he wasn’t going to get on the bus. LOL I was laughing inside so much as he was doing his ‘antics’. Then he asked if he could ride his bike while he was waiting for the bus and I said ‘yes’. Once the bus came, he got right on it so I guess he forgot about his stomach ache. Ha, ha, ha….

I SO wish you were here so I could tell you funny stories like that because you enjoyed them so much. You also ‘got’ my sense of humor and you had the same wicked sense of humor. D was telling me about one time she was going to kill herself in her garage with her dog and she called her counselor from the garage and told him about it. He told her to go in the house and call him back so he knew she was okay. She said she came to her senses and went in the house, but she forgot to call him. Then she told me that there was a knock at her door about 10 or 15 minutes later and someone was looking through her windows. D said it was the police looking for a dead body. I asked her if she laid down on the floor really still to freak them out and she didn’t laugh at all. YOU would have cracked up like crazy at that one. I wouldn’t have had to explain it to you at all. Once again, it just made me totally sad that I didn’t have anyone to laugh with about the little things in life like that. D didn't even really GET my humor in the situation at all.

We’ve been going to Gilda’s Club lately. It makes me sad, but it’s good to be with other people who ‘get’ it. I talked about S tonight and how she’s holding your things hostage. Once we find a lawyer who can help us out with the trust stuff, I’m going to ask them to send her a letter saying I want my things back. I don’t care if she gets pissed; I am sick of her holding things over my head. It’s not right for her to say she’s not giving back the Sirrius radio and CB and inverter unless I give the generator back.

I don’t care if I need to PAY the lawyer to get them back; she’s pissed me off too much to back down at this point. I guess I just need to ‘channel my inner bitch’ now and take her on. Speaking of that, Matt came over tonight and said there was only one thing of Bruce’s that you had and he’s going to bring it back to Shirley. He SAID he would call her tomorrow so I hope he does. I don’t want Shirley or ANYONE pawing through your things and I’m not going to allow her over here at all. I don’t trust her one bit. I asked her to write me up a list of what you supposedly had that was Bruce’s and she hasn’t done it yet. I just wish someone would man up and take on the bitch because she NEEDS to be taken down a few pegs. I suppose I shouldn’t talk about your sister like that, but if you don’t like it; you should just come back and tell me so! :)

I asked Jenn and Jaki if they could talk to Shirley to get the things she’s holding hostage and neither one of them were willing to talk to her. They both said it wasn’t any of their business. It frustrates me that NO ONE will take Shirley on at all and they just allow her to continue pushing people around and taking advantage of them. Do you remember me telling you how many family owned businesses fail in the third generation and you said you were going to retire before the business went under? Well, I guess you DID retire, but not in the way we thought you would. I reminded Jenn of the conversation you had with her about retiring and how she said she might retire first. I guess you really did beat her to retiring first. I wish you wouldn’t have, though! Oh, for those reading along who are wondering how many businesses fail in the third generation only 12% succeed so you do the math. Oh, and only FOUR PERCENT last into the 4^th generation. I find those figures staggering. And the biggest reason why businesses fail is because the 3^rd generation is GIVEN the businesses and they don’t have to work for it. I think we can all agree that that is the case with Nick and Amy. There is SO much dead wood at the business that it’s not even funny. It makes me really glad that when the trust isn’t tied to how well the nursery is doing. Well, that is when it finally gets settled and done with; it seems like it’s going to take FOREVER to get started at this point.

Kathi and I met with a lawyer on Tuesday to see if she could help us get things rolling with the Trust and the lawyer who wrote up the will. We keep asking him for things and he ‘hasn’t been able to put his hands on them’; it annoys me to death. I think he’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t WANT us to have the paperwork on the lease payments. I’m pushing for those to get paid out and I don’t really CARE if I have to sue the nursery to get them, either. Anyway, the lawyer couldn’t help us, but she’s going to call around and see if she can find a lawyer who CAN help us. And she said she could write up a will for me when I get to that point. I just need to figure out what to do about the house and who would be guardians for the minor children. Tiffany is out and Elisha and Solomon aren’t old enough or mature enough to do it. I wish I knew what I should do about things like that; this is all so much to deal with.

Eventually, I need to figure out what to put on your gravestone, too. It might take me a while to figure it out because it’s a BIG decision. I also need to be getting a little bit more money before I get it because I need to pay for the cemetery plot first. Everything is so.darn.expensive. I couldn’t believe how expensive baby swings are so I haven’t gotten the one I want for Tabitha yet. I need to make sure all of the bills are paid and on time first and then figure out how much money I’ll be getting every month. I’m kind of worried about bills, but I’m trying really hard NOT to be. I don’t think you ever thought you would be leaving me to deal with all of this stuff, either. It just amazes me how many little details I’ve had to deal with.

Although there is nothing good about you being gone, I have had some wonderful ‘silver linings’ and some helpful people; for lack of a better way to put it. Kathi has been SO helpful and I don’t know what I would do without her. And my Rav family has been so awesome that I can’t even put into words how awesome they are. I’m not sure if I told you yet that they had an on-line auction for me. I love them so much and I wake up every day and thank God for them. They are so awesome and I can’t thank them enough for what they did. The money enabled me to pay for three months of insurance so the baby would be covered at birth and the hospital bills would be covered. It has been so wonderful to know that they love me so much. It’s also great to know that there are wonderful people in this world who care about others so much. I know that probably sounds like I’m going overboard, but I’m really not because I get all teary eyed and choked up when I think about them and all they did for me.

I think that’s enough for now, I love you.

Your wife, Karyn

Saturday, September 3, 2011

September 3, 2011

Dear Bryan,

I don’t understand why some people think I should just be okay and that things shouldn’t bother me. How CAN I just be okay when I’ve lost my best friend in the whole world and my world is shattered into two? I lost so much; the kids lost so much; and life is totally different. But I’m just supposed to let pieces and parts of you go and go on with my life like nothing ever happened. How do I erase someone from my life that I loved so much? How do I just cut you out of my life? And why don’t people understand that to let go of pieces of you is like cutting out my heart?

I am seriously SO annoyed with everyone right now. I want to sit in the corner and cry because I’m NOT okay and yet I’m expected to be okay. I’m expected to do things like nothing is wrong. “Oh, just make that phone call; it’s no big deal.” Yeah, it IS a big deal. Most days suck, most days I get up and my chest hurts and I miss you so darn much so I need to take advantage of my good days to get the things done that I can on those days. I am OVERWHELMED and yet I’m just supposed to suck it up. I’m sad and devastated and overwhelmed, but it’s just okay and I should carry on like nothing happened.

I look at people laughing and carrying on and I just can’t relate. It’s like my heart is ripped out. We were two plants and our roots were growing together and they were intertwined and not your roots were ripped out and mine were ripped out with yours. How CAN I be okay when my roots are ripped and bleeding? And why don’t some people get it? Why can’t they see how badly I feel and why do they just expect me to be able to accomplish things like I did before?

Oh, and just so you know; your sister ‘S’ is a total ass. I had to call her the other day and she asked how I was and I said ‘not very good’ and she actually asked me why! I said, “I lost my husband” and she said, “Oh, Karyn, you need to get over that.” So, in 6 weeks I’m supposed to get over you? I just can’t do that. I see you everywhere and I hear your voice in my head and I can picture you walking through the door. Losing you was like losing a part of myself. I never thought I could miss someone so darn much. You honestly were my very best friend. I’m so glad that I told you all the time how much I loved you. I am officially NOT talking to ‘S’. Oh, and she’s holding some of your things hostage because she thinks I have some of her husband’s tools. I don’t think so and Matt is going to come over and look through the tools to doublecheck. I am seriously trying NOT to hate this woman. For your sister that you worked with all of your adult life to tell me to get over your death in SIX WEEKS just amazed me. It also totally pisses me off. I want to smack her. I guess it also tells me a lot about what type of person she is.

I just feel bad, bad, bad today. I don’t feel like I rate at all. Oh, and I can’t complain because people are helping me out and I shouldn’t expect it. I guess I will just do what I can and go on from there. I just feel like I can’t depend on anyone and I can’t complain about it because people are doing things out of the kindness of their hearts. I’m just sad. You’re not here to see the new baby and you’re not here to tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad about ‘S’ and you’re not here to tell me that it’s okay that certain people don’t understand how sad I am. Of course, if you were here, I wouldn’t be sad so that’s kind of a moot point, but you know what I mean.

I just wish people could understand how bad I feel, but maybe they would have to lose their spouse to do that and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone because it’s a lot more painful than I ever thought it would be. I never knew someone could feel this bad and still be walking around and talking. I just feel SO awful! The past few days I haven’t even been able to knit and I think the dumbest things, too. I’ve been thinking things like this: 1) I’ve had my cat, Lacey, longer than I had you. 2) I never knitted anything for you. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t WANT any knitted item; it still makes me very sad that I never knitted anything for you.

I think more things than that, but those are the two top things that really upset me. Maybe they sound like dumb things, but they really bother me. Stupid things bother me now. I had to buy paper towel for the first time since you died and you used to buy the paper towels because you were always cleaning up your car and I almost cried when I was buying it. Solomon was with me and he kept telling me it was okay. When we got home, I told Solomon that you needed to come back because I missed you too much and he said you were afraid to come back because I would yell at you for being gone too long! That made me laugh. Sometimes Solomon can be quite funny.

Solomon has been trying to do things with Isaiah because he knows how sad Isaiah is about you dying. He takes him out to swing on the swings or he takes him for a bike ride and things like that. It makes me sad that he is the one who is doing these things with Isaiah because you should be here to do them. And I know Solomon wouldn’t be living here if you were. He is trying and he is pitching in to watch Isaiah, but the whole thing is just so, so sad to me. Heck, everything is sad to me. It’s sad when I go places and I’m around people who know and they act like everything is okay. How CAN it be okay when you’re not here? How can I be okay when you’re not here? And why do they expect me to be okay without you around? It boggles my mind.

I brought Isaiah, Mike, and Tabitha to Sandy Pines today. I was feeling guilty that the poor little kid had had such an awful summer since his Dad died on 7/8/2011. I can just see the kids going back to school and on the "What did you do this summer page" they can write, "My Dad died." The grieving has taken up most of their summer and it sucks! I was planning on taking the kids to the Frederick Meijer gardens and the zoo and some other fun things and we didn’t do any of them.
SANITIZED VERSION - PARTS OMITTED

I guess I should be grateful for what help I have gotten and I guess I’m sounding very ungrateful right now so I’ll stop writing because I’ll probably just tick people off. Karyn probably just needs to stop whining and to stop feeling sorry for herself. Maybe I’ll write more later on.

Karyn who is a sad, sad person right now.

August 25, 2011

Dear Bryan,

You know how you did Isaiah’s training wheels so he could ride his bike better? Well, he never rode the bike because they scared him too much. So, Steve came over and worked on them. They still weren’t right so he came over again and lowered them and put braces on them so that it would be just a little bit of balancing for Isaiah when he rode the bike. I think part of his fear is due to the fact that the bike is a little bit big for him yet and he can’t touch the ground when he’s riding the bike. Now that the training wheels are better for him, he actually rides the bike, but he feels like he’s starting to tip; he just jumps off the bike because he doesn’t want to fall! He’s such a nut! He totally cracks me up. Then, a few days ago, he wanted me to go around the block with him and I had to run to keep up with him and he kept telling me to run faster. LOL He could ride pretty fast so I couldn’t keep up with him so he kept stopping and waiting for me to catch up to him. He is having lots of fun riding his bike now so maybe next year he’ll actually be able to balance it better and ride it without training wheels.

I got behind due to doing things with the kids so I’ll just finish this now. I love you, Karyn

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

August 24, 2011

Dear Bryan,

I promised you a funny story so I guess I should tell you it, huh? Isaiah was painting in your room one morning and he painted his stomach red. I kept asking him what happened and he wouldn’t tell me. That same day I had to bring Mike to the dentist and we were asking him what happened. He kept saying it was an accident and Mikeala asked him if he was painting and then FELL on the picture. He said, “Yes, that’s what happened, my feet aren’t always that stable.” LMAO! He is such a crazy little kid. He also made Mike sit in the back seat because Dida, his imaginary friend, was sitting in the car with him. So then Mike asked him where the picture was because it had to be a big picture to get that much paint on himself. Isaiah then answered that he had given the picture to Dida and she had taken it home with her so he couldn’t show it to us!!

Mikeala and I laughed and laughed over that one. Sometimes he comes up with the funniest things. I wish I could call you up and share them with you. I will always try my hardest to raise him knowing who his Father is. All of your children miss you so much. Mike is getting ready to have the baby and she keeps having contractions. She was whining like crazy about them tonight. I told her she needs to wait another week to have the baby because I’m not done with her baby blanket yet! I told her to cross her legs. Ha, ha, ha…

And here is my other funny story. Remember how we went down the toll road in Colorado and then there was no one to pay and we were wondering why there wasn’t. We thought maybe it was a new road and so it wasn’t up and running yet. Well, the other day I got a bill in the mail for $3.00 for using that toll road! I thought it was hilarious…And it said, “Do not send cash.” LMAO again! You and I would have laughed and laughed over that one. So, I had to use a stamp to send out a $3.00 check for using a toll road a month earlier. Oh, and if I didn’t pay it right away; I would have had to pay $5.00! I’m still kind of chuckling over that one. I miss telling you the funny stories that happen in my day like that.

You know this story, but everyone else doesn’t so you can just listen while I’m telling the story. While we were on vacation at Mark and Jenn’s house Freya got used to Isaiah being there and throwing her ball for her. So, she came up one morning and he was still wearing his pajamas and he wanted to change and he insisted that Freya had to leave the room. You asked why and Isaiah said, “Because she’s a girl and I’m a boy.” LOL You kind of chuckled and said, “But Mom is a girl” and Isaiah answered, “She’s my MOM” in an indignant tone. It was too cute.

But, see, this is all a double-edge sword because the cute things about Isaiah are sad, too, because you’re not here to share them with. It’s a sad, sad thing to lose one’s father at such a young age. He’s never even lost his first tooth or learned to ride a two wheeled bike and yet he’s lost his Father. That is just unfathomable to me. No little boy should be without his Dad at such a young age.

Isaiah told me that if it made me too sad to go to the cemetery I didn’t have to go. I told him it might take me a while to take him there, but I would take him. I just told him that everything reminded me of Daddy. So, the literal little boy said, “Does the t.v. remind you of Dad? Does the picture of that car remind you of Dad?” and he went on and on. Mr. One Track Mind can be pretty funny at times.

For some reason, he really, really wants to go to the cemetery and put a flower on your grave. He has a flower for me to put on your grave, too. I’m not sure what he thinks your grave at the cemetery is going to look like, but I’m going to try to bring him there tomorrow. He wants to go so badly so maybe it will make him feel a little better. He likes to light the ‘Dad Candle’ and it seems to make him feel a little bit better when he lights it. Of course, right now nothing really makes him feel better because he just misses you so much! I wish you could come back and play with him again.

That’s all I have for now.

I love you, Karyn

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

August 22, 2011

Dear Bryan,

This is all horrible; nothing about this is good at all. I miss you so much that at times I can’t even breathe. We needed so many more years together; we didn’t have long enough at all. Two nights ago I dreamed about you; you came back and you were alive again. I asked you how you could do that and you said that sometimes these things happened. I said you were gone for 6 weeks and you said that was okay; you were here now. I hugged you and cried and cried and you hugged me back. Mom and Dad were there and they just kept crying, too. We were all so happy!

You asked what had happened while you were gone and you wanted to know when you could go back to work. I told you that you couldn’t go back to work because we had your death certificate and you said you would just get that changed. You asked about finances and bills and how I was affording things and then Isaiah saw you and he was so happy. We just hugged you and hugged you. I was sad all day when I woke up. This is the worst pain that I’ve ever felt in my whole life. Your loss has left the biggest hole in my heart. I feel like I’m a china vase and if I’m not handled carefully; I will shatter into a million pieces. Everything is so hard and it takes me forever to get anything done.

Isaiah wants to go to the cemetery and put a flower on your grave. THAT thought makes me incredibly sad, but he is very insistent so I don’t think I will be able to talk him out of it. He’s a very determined little boy and he doesn’t give up on things easily. ::SIGH:: It will make me very, very sad to go to the cemetery.

So, since I’ve been traveling this road for a while I have some suggestions for people as to what to do when someone has suffered a loss. Everything is so difficult for them so anything you do to help them is greatly appreciated. And believe me; a lot of the widows or widowers won’t ask for help. I know I have a hard time asking for help.

1) Call the person up who lost their loved one just to check in with them. Call them months later because they're still grieving and feeling horrible.

2) Offer to take their kids out for an afternoon, morning, evening, whatever. I wasn't prepared for how needy and clingy my 6 year-old has become. I'm still not and he's driving me crazy.

3) Bring them a meal. Tonight was the first night I actually MADE something since Bryan died and it was just grilled cheese sandwiches. If you can't bring a meal, maybe you can arrange with other friends, family of the person to bring meals. My sister's son's soccer coach died suddenly and someone set up a list on Facebook and she has meals arranged for the next two months. I think that's just awesome. If you can't bring a meal and have extra time, maybe you can offer to shop for them. I can barely THINK of what to buy let alone grocery shop. I went grocery shopping yesterday and I forgot half of the things we need! It's awful!

4) Call the person up and don't just ask them what you can help them with, but make suggestions. Maybe offer to clean their house (I would LOVE this!) or help fold laundry or look into services for them. My sister not only looked into services at Gilda's Club for me and the kids, but she went with me. I don't think I could have gone on my own. I wouldn't have signed up on my own. Be prepared for the person to say 'no' that they don't need anything, but if you assure them that you DO want to do something; they will (or might) eventually tell you what they need help with. Heck, I've never trimmed bushes or mowed my lawn since I've been married and I don't have a CLUE how to go about it! I've also never gotten the oil changed in my van. I'm just extremely overwhelmed by everything.

And someone on a Widow’s bulletin board I belong to wrote a wonderful piece about losing one’s spouse. I’m reprinting it with his permission. It really struck me because he’s totally right; most people DON’T get it and they think we should be ‘over’ our pain and loss within a few months. This pain is so great that I have difficulty breathing. I lost my best friend, my partner in love, my lover, the person that I loved more than anyone in the world. I still see him everywhere. I hear his voice and I dream about him all the time. I want my husband back more than anything and nothing I do will bring him back. I can’t ‘fix it’ for my kids and I can’t ‘fix it’ for me. This is the biggest, greatest pain that I have ever felt. I have to try to breathe most days and it’s an effort to do anything at all. I totally understand couples who die within hours or days from each other now. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my kids I would stay in bed all day and mourn my husband’s loss.

Well, here is the essay:

Unique and Devastating Loss
With the death of our spouse we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned. Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens. and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past. And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours.

Oh, Bryan, I love you so much. If wishing could bring you back, you would be here now. Isaiah threw pennies in the wishing well at Gilda’s Club and he told me later that he wished his Daddy would come back. What 6 year-old should have to wish that? It just about broke my heart when he told me that. He’s just a little boy that loved his Father dearly. We all loved you and we want you here, on earth, with your family. That’s where you belong. Can you look down and see us? Do you see our hearts breaking? Do you know how much we miss you and how much you were loved? I see you everywhere; Isaiah sees you everywhere and we all want you back.

That’s all for tonight. I love you so much.

Your wife, Karyn

Monday, August 22, 2011

August 19, 2011

Bryan,

I’m doing as badly now as I was when I first found out. This just sucks; it totally sucks. I feel like I’m bleeding on the inside and I hurt all the time. And to make matters worse; the little boy is a whiny little kid and he’s making me CRAZY! He whines about everything now. You need to come back and help me with the kid because I can’t handle him. I’ve always hated whiny kids and now I have one! I know it’s because he’s just sad, but the acting out is just really too much for me. Honestly, his whining is making ME crabby! It kind of makes me want to stab someone with my DPNs. For those who don’t know, DPNs means double pointed needles. The bamboo ones can really hurt. LOL Tiffany was contemplating stabbing someone with them on Saturday, but first she would need to GET some DPNs. LOL

I’m also wondering what I did wrong to get such a selfish son. Elisha just doesn’t care about anyone except himself. That disappoints me a lot. He was over this week and wondered why Isaiah was so whiny. I just looked at him and said, “His Dad DIED; how do you think he’s going to be acting?!” Sheesh…And then today he texted me rude things about needing to get his FASFA done NOW and didn’t I care about him. So, as Tiffany always says, his lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part. It makes me mad that he just expects me to be there for him and do things for him when I’m having an AWFUL time just getting up in the morning and showering and dealing with the kids. Elisha was SUPPOSED to have done his FASFA in the springtime so because he waited until NOW to do it; that supposedly means I don’t care about whether or not he goes to college next week? Incredible…

And then today he told me to ‘cheer up’ and that I shouldn’t be sad! Gahhh….does he not understand the grieving process? How can the kid not understand what it’s like to lose a piece of one’s heart? To say I’m incredibly disappointed in him is a vast understatement. I always thought of him as an awesome kid, but I’m so upset about him basically not caring about my sadness and sorrow right now.

So, Tiffany said she liked it when I mentioned her in my blog so I’ll tell you what she said to me the other day. Ha, ha, ha…Actually, I can’t because this is a public blog, but I would tell you if I was on the phone with you. Let’s just say that Tiffany texted me something REALLY funny and REALLY unlike her and it kind of made me gasp and then it made me laugh. Don’t tell Tiffany that I thought it was funny, though, because I had to act outraged by it. I don’t want her to get a big head and then she’ll think she’s the ‘good kid’. Well, she IS mostly good except she doesn’t come to visit me enough. I think she should come and see her Momma more often.

Mike is getting ready to have the baby. I paid the lawyer a deposit and she went to go and see the birth Dad in prison, AKA the sperm donor, who won’t be eligible for release for AT LEAST 8 years and he didn’t sign the forms to terminate his rights. The lawyer said he acted surprised and mentioned something about thinking his Mom was going to get the baby. Yeah, THAT’S not going to happen. Now the lawyer needs to send the paperwork to the prison because she couldn’t just leave it with him and maybe he’ll sign off on his rights. If he won’t sign off his rights, then Mike can sign guardianship papers and then we can go to court in a year or so to get his rights terminated. Since the boy got 8-20 years and his EARLIEST out date is 8 years; I can’t see any judge not terminating his rights. I hope the social security stuff goes through soon because who knows how long all of this will take. ::SIGH:: I don’t need all of this crap on top of everything that I’m already dealing with. L

I just want you back; why can’t you come back? You’ve been gone too long. Isaiah walks around saying he misses you and he is so, so sad. Today he went and got a suitcase and he started filling it with things that remind him of you. It made me so sad that he was doing that. He’s filling it with ‘Daddy Memories’. It was the saddest thing ever. How does one comfort a 6 year-old boy who has lost his Father and who loved his Father so much. I can’t be Mom and Dad and this totally isn’t fair. I’m just stuck, stuck, stuck…This all just sucks so much. I loved you so much and I want you back to hug you and hold you and never let you go. I see your smiling face everywhere and I hear your laugh and I want to call you up and share things with you and I can’t call you up and tell them to you and that sucks, too!

So, yesterday I got something strange in the mail and you would have laughed like crazy at it. Since I need to go now; I’ll tell you about it later.

Love, your wife, Karyn

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

August 10, 2011

Hi Bryan,

I’m not sure why people think I’m doing okay because I’m not. I know how important Dads are to children and I never set out for this sucky role of being Mom and Dad. Tonight Isaiah kept coming up to me and crying and saying, “I miss Dad.” It just totally breaks my heart. He loved you so much. I loved you so much. Mikeal and Christian loved you so much. We all still do so why did you have to leave us?

I keep wondering what your last moments were like. Did you feel pain? Did you think of me? Did you think of your family? Did you think of how much we all loved you? And why did this have to happen to us? We were happy; we had fun together; we had beat the odds. More than anything I want this sucky nightmare to be over and I want you back.

Honestly, this hurts as bad and feels as awful right now as I did when I first found out. I don’t feel any better about you being gone today than I did when I first found out. I just want you back. I understand why some couples die within a month or months of their spouse dying now. If it wasn’t for my kids, I wouldn’t want to go on. It’s too awful and it’s too sad to be without the person I loved so much. We had it made; we loved each other, we loved our kids, we were committed to one another, we had a nice house, etc., so why did this have to happen? I don’t want to go one without you. We didn’t have a perfect relationship, but it was good and now everything is just bad and awful and it sucks without you here. I want to talk to you so much and I can’t.

I think the next time someone tells me that you’re in a better place; I will scream because I’m sick of hearing that. The best place for you would be here; with your family. You had such an awful time with your evil ex and you treated you so terrible that I always hoped I made you happy. I didn’t care that you had your ‘man stuff’ in the living room because I loved you more. I didn’t care about your stuff; I cared about you and your ‘man stuff’ made you happy. You felt the same way about me and my yarn and my knitting; it made me happy so you didn’t care that I bought yarn.

Isaiah said and did the funniest thing today, but I’ll have to tell you about it later on because I’m going to bed now. Oh, and the kids and I went to Tiffany’s house for dinner tonight. It was yummy. I haven’t cooked a meal for the kids since you died. I just can’t concentrate on cooking; it takes too much effort. I’m decreeing that all widows should get home cooked meals for at least a month or two after the death of their spouse because it’s just TOO hard to think about cooking at all.

Oh, and your stupid SIL really annoyed me with a dumb comment she made on Facebook. She made a comment about what an awesome thing Jenn was doing by taking the boys swimming on Saturday at her house. She said something to the effect that God would reward her. What the heck; so that’s why we’re kind to others, for a reward? I don’t want my kids to be pitied; they’re just kids. I guess I need to get over my anger about it, but it pissed me off totally. It’s a good thing that I don’t like D very much anyway because I REALLY wouldn’t like her after her stupid comment!

Honestly, I just want you back and I want this nightmare to end. I want to reach over and be able to touch you or hug you at night. I want to see your head on the pillow and listen to you breathing. I want to know that I can call you at any time and talk to you about the millions of things we talked about. Why did you have to go? Why does God hate me so much that He had to take you away?

Love, Karyn

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

August 2, 2011

Hi Bryan,

I had to buy a new refrigerator today. It sucked having to go up there without you. You and I always bought our appliances together and you were always such a goofball when we shopped for things. You were embarrassing, but I kind of liked it. You made things fun. They still have stupid plastic shelves in every single refrigerator, too. I don’t understand why they make refrigerators with plastic parts. I tried to pick a refrigerator that was sturdier than the last one we had. The freezer on it seems bigger, too. The only thing that I didn’t like about the refrigerator was that it was black. I really wanted a white one, but they didn’t have this one in white and I liked it best. The salesman gave me a pretty good deal on it. He gave me free delivery and a 5 year extended warranty. If I don’t use the warranty in those 5 years, then I can bring the sales receipt in and get half of the money back. I thought that was a pretty good deal. I only went to ABC Warehouse because I just didn’t have the time or energy to go to different places. Since we have always had good luck at ABC, I just went back there. Since Steve needed a refrigerator, too, I had him go with me. He took a lot of time deciding which refrigerator he wanted, but he finally picked one out, too. The salesman probably thought it was his night because he got to sell two refrigerators in one fell swoop. LOL

I had originally called the repairman who fixed the refrigerator two months ago to try to get him to fix the refrigerator again and he said he would replace the part for free if it was the part that was bad, but he would charge again for the labor. THAT ticks me off; he only guarantees his work for a MONTH? That’s awful! I think repairmen are just rip offs; I haven’t liked any of the ones that have ever come to our house other than the furnace guy who was decent (what WAS his name?!) and the last toilet repairman. I think most repairmen suck and they are just out to cheat the average homeowner.

I am tired. The lawyer’s meeting with pretty boring. I don’t like the guy at all. I think I told you that before you left me. He wanted a lot of information, but he didn’t want to give any up. He said he couldn’t advise us (Kathi went with me) because his partner is the lawyer for the nursery. Then why the heck did he write up your will anyway? I did find out the process is going to be longer than we thought it would be. Since the life insurance was written up in the past two years; the insurance company requires a copy of the autopsy and then they need to review it so that might take a while.

At this point, I’m really wishing that we had paid for a life insurance policy for you. It would have made things so much easier and a lot less stressful. I didn’t think the Trust process would be this lengthy. I think we were both very mistaken about the length of time that would be involved in it. The Trust is supposed to pay the funeral bill, but it looks like it’s going to be a while before THAT gets done, too. The only good thing is your evil ex is probably going crazy without any money coming in! LOL Jaki is friends with her on Facebook and I asked her if she was writing anything about it on her Wall. Jaki said sadly she wasn’t and her Wall was boring!

I was watching, “The Little Couple” on t.v. tonight and I couldn’t finish watching it. The show has never bothered me before, but I just couldn’t take watching a cute couple interacting with each other. That was us; we were always having fun with each other and it just made me too sad to watch another couple acting like that. I always wanted a good marriage and a great man to share my life with and I had that with you. I see you everywhere; I see your smiling face and I still just can’t believe you’re gone! It’s just inconceivable. I want my Bryan back and it makes me so sad that you’re not here with me.

I was reading C.S. Lewis’ book, “A Grief Observed” and he said he never knew grief felt so much like fear before. I totally agree with him; I’m scared to death. I never wanted to be a single parent and I was very careful with who I picked. I found you; a great father and a pretty awesome husband and the best friend I ever had and yet I’m kind of stuck raising the children alone and being alone again. There isn’t much to say except that this totally sucks and I miss you so much! I would play the, “This isn’t fair card,” but lots of things in life aren’t fair and I don’t think I have a corner on the, “This isn’t fair market.”

I want a ‘do over’ so we can do over that day and change the outcome. Tiffany used to watch a t.v. show about a cat that would bring tomorrow’s newspaper and the man would try to figure out what event he had to change to make things better. He would usually find a murder or a death that happened and change that so that it didn’t happen. So, I call a ‘do over’ so I can call you the night before and tell you good night, so that I can be with you on your last day, so I can change the way things happened. We let kids do over their turn in a game so why can’t I have a do over for this? I just want to go back and edit the whole day and maybe the whole week before that and maybe the week before that. I want to hug you one, two, a dozen more times and tell you that I love you two dozen times or more. I just want to pretend that this is a bad dream and that you will walk through that door one more time, but I DON’T want to live my reality because this reality sucks!

Kathi did these really cute picture albums with pictures of you. She did one for each one of the kids. I think the kids really liked them. Isaiah has been so matter of fact that it’s just odd. He asked me yesterday if your clothes were still in your closet. I told him they were and he asked if he could see them. I told him, “Yes” and he opened up the closet to look at them. Then he asked if all of your clothes were still in your drawers and I told him they were and again he asked if he could see them. I told him he could and he checked every drawer to see if your clothes were in the drawer. I’m not sure what’s up with that, but he just wanted to check if they were still there. Then he asked me if he was getting a new Daddy; which makes me think that he really doesn’t understand what’s happening. He says he misses you and he asks questions, but most of the time he just seems normal. I totally don’t understand it. I think I need to read up on how 6 year-olds handle loss and grief because it all seems really weird to me.

Christian doesn’t talk about things, but then again he’s always been a quiet kid. Mikeala is very sad and is having a hard time dealing with things. She misses you so much and she’s been spending a lot of time watching t.v. in the basement in the dark. She says she likes sitting in the dark. I wonder if that’s her way of trying to escape from her sadness. Mike says it seems like you’re just going to walk through the door and that it just seems like this is a bad dream. That’s how I feel; too, this is the worst dream I’ve ever had.

By the way, the next time I decide to make a baby blanket that looks ‘easy’, please slap me. Well, stop me anyway because you were never into physical violence. Your evil ex used to say how awful you were to her and how abusive and from time to time I would ask you when the evil side was going to come out and you would just smile at me and say you were still waiting! LOL That always cracked me up because the evil side just wasn’t there for you. You were just a sweet guy and we were just a normal couple that had fun at times and argued sometimes, but a couple that was committed to each other and committed to succeeding with their marriage and trying to make things better when things came up. We weren’t always perfect with each other, but we always loved each other.

I remember how incredibly happy I was at our 10^th Anniversary because so many second marriages end in divorce and we had beat the odds. I put on my wedding dress and I made you were your suit and I had Tiffany take pictures of us in front of the house. Then we went out to dinner at Olive Garden. We had a very nice dinner and I remember how ecstatic I was that we had made it to 10 years. It was an awesome experience and the years with you were mostly good. This spring I had talked to you about what we should do when we hit our 15 year anniversary. It was just a normal, typical conversation for us like many conversations we had had before and it’s going to be forever sad to me that we won’t ever hit the 15 year milestone. I will be forever sad that my little boy will grow up without the Daddy that he loved so much and that Christian won’t have the Daddy that he had developed such a great relationship with and Mikeala won’t have the father that she adored and had so much fun with.

My brain is having trouble reconciling the fact that you’re gone and that there isn’t a good reason for you not to be here. We were on vacation and you were fine, you spent two twelve hour days working on Steve’s roof and you were fine, you spent 3 or 4 days working driving truck and you were fine, so why did you suddenly get up one day and you weren’t fine? Why weren’t there any symptoms? Why did God decide it was your time to go? Why couldn’t I have more than 12 years with you? I’m not strong enough or tough enough to do this on my own because I’m just way too sad. This is all just too sad, too awful, too inconceivable for my brain to make sense of because this DOESN’T make sense. It’s all just too overwhelming for my brain to grasp. How is a seemingly healthy man just go to work and drop dead from a heart attack? It just doesn’t make sense and I like to figure things out and make sense of them. This doesn’t MAKE any sense at all to me and I want it to make sense. How does one make sense of something when there isn’t any sense to me made of it? I haven’t figured that out yet at all.

Well, I’m tired and I finally finished sewing the blanket together so I’m going to say good night. I love you so much!

Your wife, Karyn