August 19, 2011

August 19, 2011

            Bryan,

            I’m doing as badly now as I was when I first found out.  This just sucks; it totally sucks.  I feel like I’m bleeding on the inside and I hurt all the time.  And to make matters worse; the little boy is a whiny little kid and he’s making me CRAZY!  He whines about everything now.  You need to come back and help me with the kid because I can’t handle him.  I’ve always hated whiny kids and now I have one!  I know it’s because he’s just sad, but the acting out is just really too much for me.  Honestly, his whining is making ME crabby!  It kind of makes me want to stab someone with my DPNs.  For those who don’t know, DPNs means double pointed needles.  The bamboo ones can really hurt.  LOL  Tiffany was contemplating stabbing someone with them on Saturday, but first she would need to GET some DPNs.  LOL

            I’m also wondering what I did wrong to get such a selfish son.  Elisha just doesn’t care about anyone except himself.  That disappoints me a lot.  He was over this week and wondered why Isaiah was so whiny.  I just looked at him and said, “His Dad DIED; how do you think he’s going to be acting?!”  Sheesh…And then today he texted me rude things about needing to get his FASFA done NOW and didn’t I care about him.  So, as Tiffany always says, his lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part.  It makes me mad that he just expects me to be there for him and do things for him when I’m having an AWFUL time just getting up in the morning and showering and dealing with the kids.  Elisha was SUPPOSED to have done his FASFA in the springtime so because he waited until NOW to do it; that supposedly means I don’t care about whether or not he goes to college next week?  Incredible…

            And then today he told me to ‘cheer up’ and that I shouldn’t be sad!  Gahhh….does he not understand the grieving process?  How can the kid not understand what it’s like to lose a piece of one’s heart?  To say I’m incredibly disappointed in him is a vast understatement.  I always thought of him as an awesome kid, but I’m so upset about him basically not caring about my sadness and sorrow right now. 

            So, Tiffany said she liked it when I mentioned her in my blog so I’ll tell you what she said to me the other day.  Ha, ha, ha…Actually, I can’t because this is a public blog, but I would tell you if I was on the phone with you.  Let’s just say that Tiffany texted me something REALLY funny and REALLY unlike her and it kind of made me gasp and then it made me laugh.  Don’t tell Tiffany that I thought it was funny, though, because I had to act outraged by it.  I don’t want her to get a big head and then she’ll think she’s the ‘good kid’.  Well, she IS mostly good except she doesn’t come to visit me enough.  I think she should come and see her Momma more often.

            Mike is getting ready to have the baby.  I paid the lawyer a deposit and she went to go and see the birth Dad in prison, AKA the sperm donor, who won’t be eligible for release for AT LEAST 8 years and he didn’t sign the forms to terminate his rights.  The lawyer said he acted surprised and mentioned something about thinking his Mom was going to get the baby.  Yeah, THAT’S not going to happen.  Now the lawyer needs to send the paperwork to the prison because she couldn’t just leave it with him and maybe he’ll sign off on his rights.  If he won’t sign off his rights, then Mike can sign guardianship papers and then we can go to court in a year or so to get his rights terminated.  Since the boy got 8-20 years and his EARLIEST out date is 8 years; I can’t see any judge not terminating his rights.  I hope the social security stuff goes through soon because who knows how long all of this will take.  ::SIGH::  I don’t need all of this crap on top of everything that I’m already dealing with.  L

            I just want you back; why can’t you come back?  You’ve been gone too long.  Isaiah walks around saying he misses you and he is so, so sad.  Today he went and got a suitcase and he started filling it with things that remind him of you.  It made me so sad that he was doing that.  He’s filling it with ‘Daddy Memories’.  It was the saddest thing ever.  How does one comfort a 6 year-old boy who has lost his Father and who loved his Father so much.  I can’t be Mom and Dad and this totally isn’t fair.  I’m just stuck, stuck, stuck…This all just sucks so much.  I loved you so much and I want you back to hug you and hold you and never let you go.  I see your smiling face everywhere and I hear your laugh and I want to call you up and share things with you and I can’t call you up and tell them to you and that sucks, too!

            So, yesterday I got something strange in the mail and you would have laughed like crazy at it.  Since I need to go now; I’ll tell you about it later.

            Love, your wife, Karyn