August 2, 2011
Hi Bryan,
I had to buy a new refrigerator today. It sucked having to go up there without you. You and I always bought our appliances together and you were always such a goofball when we shopped for things. You were embarrassing, but I kind of liked it. You made things fun. They still have stupid plastic shelves in every single refrigerator, too. I don’t understand why they make refrigerators with plastic parts. I tried to pick a refrigerator that was sturdier than the last one we had. The freezer on it seems bigger, too. The only thing that I didn’t like about the refrigerator was that it was black. I really wanted a white one, but they didn’t have this one in white and I liked it best. The salesman gave me a pretty good deal on it. He gave me free delivery and a 5 year extended warranty. If I don’t use the warranty in those 5 years, then I can bring the sales receipt in and get half of the money back. I thought that was a pretty good deal. I only went to ABC Warehouse because I just didn’t have the time or energy to go to different places. Since we have always had good luck at ABC, I just went back there. Since Steve needed a refrigerator, too, I had him go with me. He took a lot of time deciding which refrigerator he wanted, but he finally picked one out, too. The salesman probably thought it was his night because he got to sell two refrigerators in one fell swoop. LOL
I had originally called the repairman who fixed the refrigerator two months ago to try to get him to fix the refrigerator again and he said he would replace the part for free if it was the part that was bad, but he would charge again for the labor. THAT ticks me off; he only guarantees his work for a MONTH? That’s awful! I think repairmen are just rip offs; I haven’t liked any of the ones that have ever come to our house other than the furnace guy who was decent (what WAS his name?!) and the last toilet repairman. I think most repairmen suck and they are just out to cheat the average homeowner.
I am tired. The lawyer’s meeting with pretty boring. I don’t like the guy at all. I think I told you that before you left me. He wanted a lot of information, but he didn’t want to give any up. He said he couldn’t advise us (Kathi went with me) because his partner is the lawyer for the nursery. Then why the heck did he write up your will anyway? I did find out the process is going to be longer than we thought it would be. Since the life insurance was written up in the past two years; the insurance company requires a copy of the autopsy and then they need to review it so that might take a while.
At this point, I’m really wishing that we had paid for a life insurance policy for you. It would have made things so much easier and a lot less stressful. I didn’t think the Trust process would be this lengthy. I think we were both very mistaken about the length of time that would be involved in it. The Trust is supposed to pay the funeral bill, but it looks like it’s going to be a while before THAT gets done, too. The only good thing is your evil ex is probably going crazy without any money coming in! LOL Jaki is friends with her on Facebook and I asked her if she was writing anything about it on her Wall. Jaki said sadly she wasn’t and her Wall was boring!
I was watching, “The Little Couple” on t.v. tonight and I couldn’t finish watching it. The show has never bothered me before, but I just couldn’t take watching a cute couple interacting with each other. That was us; we were always having fun with each other and it just made me too sad to watch another couple acting like that. I always wanted a good marriage and a great man to share my life with and I had that with you. I see you everywhere; I see your smiling face and I still just can’t believe you’re gone! It’s just inconceivable. I want my Bryan back and it makes me so sad that you’re not here with me.
I was reading C.S. Lewis’ book, “A Grief Observed” and he said he never knew grief felt so much like fear before. I totally agree with him; I’m scared to death. I never wanted to be a single parent and I was very careful with who I picked. I found you; a great father and a pretty awesome husband and the best friend I ever had and yet I’m kind of stuck raising the children alone and being alone again. There isn’t much to say except that this totally sucks and I miss you so much! I would play the, “This isn’t fair card,” but lots of things in life aren’t fair and I don’t think I have a corner on the, “This isn’t fair market.”
I want a ‘do over’ so we can do over that day and change the outcome. Tiffany used to watch a t.v. show about a cat that would bring tomorrow’s newspaper and the man would try to figure out what event he had to change to make things better. He would usually find a murder or a death that happened and change that so that it didn’t happen. So, I call a ‘do over’ so I can call you the night before and tell you good night, so that I can be with you on your last day, so I can change the way things happened. We let kids do over their turn in a game so why can’t I have a do over for this? I just want to go back and edit the whole day and maybe the whole week before that and maybe the week before that. I want to hug you one, two, a dozen more times and tell you that I love you two dozen times or more. I just want to pretend that this is a bad dream and that you will walk through that door one more time, but I DON’T want to live my reality because this reality sucks!
Kathi did these really cute picture albums with pictures of you. She did one for each one of the kids. I think the kids really liked them. Isaiah has been so matter of fact that it’s just odd. He asked me yesterday if your clothes were still in your closet. I told him they were and he asked if he could see them. I told him, “Yes” and he opened up the closet to look at them. Then he asked if all of your clothes were still in your drawers and I told him they were and again he asked if he could see them. I told him he could and he checked every drawer to see if your clothes were in the drawer. I’m not sure what’s up with that, but he just wanted to check if they were still there. Then he asked me if he was getting a new Daddy; which makes me think that he really doesn’t understand what’s happening. He says he misses you and he asks questions, but most of the time he just seems normal. I totally don’t understand it. I think I need to read up on how 6 year-olds handle loss and grief because it all seems really weird to me.
Christian doesn’t talk about things, but then again he’s always been a quiet kid. Mikeala is very sad and is having a hard time dealing with things. She misses you so much and she’s been spending a lot of time watching t.v. in the basement in the dark. She says she likes sitting in the dark. I wonder if that’s her way of trying to escape from her sadness. Mike says it seems like you’re just going to walk through the door and that it just seems like this is a bad dream. That’s how I feel; too, this is the worst dream I’ve ever had.
By the way, the next time I decide to make a baby blanket that looks ‘easy’, please slap me. Well, stop me anyway because you were never into physical violence. Your evil ex used to say how awful you were to her and how abusive and from time to time I would ask you when the evil side was going to come out and you would just smile at me and say you were still waiting! LOL That always cracked me up because the evil side just wasn’t there for you. You were just a sweet guy and we were just a normal couple that had fun at times and argued sometimes, but a couple that was committed to each other and committed to succeeding with their marriage and trying to make things better when things came up. We weren’t always perfect with each other, but we always loved each other.
I remember how incredibly happy I was at our 10th Anniversary because so many second marriages end in divorce and we had beat the odds. I put on my wedding dress and I made you were your suit and I had Tiffany take pictures of us in front of the house. Then we went out to dinner at Olive Garden. We had a very nice dinner and I remember how ecstatic I was that we had made it to 10 years. It was an awesome experience and the years with you were mostly good. This spring I had talked to you about what we should do when we hit our 15 year anniversary. It was just a normal, typical conversation for us like many conversations we had had before and it’s going to be forever sad to me that we won’t ever hit the 15 year milestone. I will be forever sad that my little boy will grow up without the Daddy that he loved so much and that Christian won’t have the Daddy that he had developed such a great relationship with and Mikeala won’t have the father that she adored and had so much fun with.
My brain is having trouble reconciling the fact that you’re gone and that there isn’t a good reason for you not to be here. We were on vacation and you were fine, you spent two twelve hour days working on Steve’s roof and you were fine, you spent 3 or 4 days working driving truck and you were fine, so why did you suddenly get up one day and you weren’t fine? Why weren’t there any symptoms? Why did God decide it was your time to go? Why couldn’t I have more than 12 years with you? I’m not strong enough or tough enough to do this on my own because I’m just way too sad. This is all just too sad, too awful, too inconceivable for my brain to make sense of because this DOESN’T make sense. It’s all just too overwhelming for my brain to grasp. How is a seemingly healthy man just go to work and drop dead from a heart attack? It just doesn’t make sense and I like to figure things out and make sense of them. This doesn’t MAKE any sense at all to me and I want it to make sense. How does one make sense of something when there isn’t any sense to me made of it? I haven’t figured that out yet at all.
Well, I’m tired and I finally finished sewing the blanket together so I’m going to say good night. I love you so much!
Your wife, Karyn
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