August 10, 2011

August 10, 2011

            Hi Bryan,

            I’m not sure why people think I’m doing okay because I’m not.  I know how important Dads are to children and I never set out for this sucky role of being Mom and Dad.  Tonight Isaiah kept coming up to me and crying and saying, “I miss Dad.”  It just totally breaks my heart.  He loved you so much.  I loved you so much.  Mikeal and Christian loved you so much.  We all still do so why did you have to leave us?

            I keep wondering what your last moments were like.  Did you feel pain?  Did you think of me?  Did you think of your family?  Did you think of how much we all loved you?  And why did this have to happen to us?  We were happy; we had fun together; we had beat the odds.  More than anything I want this sucky nightmare to be over and I want you back.

            Honestly, this hurts as bad and feels as awful right now as I did when I first found out.  I don’t feel any better about you being gone today than I did when I first found out.  I just want you back.  I understand why some couples die within a month or months of their spouse dying now.  If it wasn’t for my kids, I wouldn’t want to go on.  It’s too awful and it’s too sad to be without the person I loved so much.  We had it made; we loved each other, we loved our kids, we were committed to one another, we had a nice house, etc., so why did this have to happen?  I don’t want to go one without you.  We didn’t have a perfect relationship, but it was good and now everything is just bad and awful and it sucks without you here.  I want to talk to you so much and I can’t.

            I think the next time someone tells me that you’re in a better place; I will scream because I’m sick of hearing that.  The best place for you would be here; with your family.  You had such an awful time with your evil ex and you treated you so terrible that I always hoped I made you happy.  I didn’t care that you had your ‘man stuff’ in the living room because I loved you more.  I didn’t care about your stuff; I cared about you and your ‘man stuff’ made you happy.  You felt the same way about me and my yarn and my knitting; it made me happy so you didn’t care that I bought yarn.

            Isaiah said and did the funniest thing today, but I’ll have to tell you about it later on because I’m going to bed now.  Oh, and the kids and I went to Tiffany’s house for dinner tonight.  It was yummy.  I haven’t cooked a meal for the kids since you died.  I just can’t concentrate on cooking; it takes too much effort.  I’m decreeing that all widows should get home cooked meals for at least a month or two after the death of their spouse because it’s just TOO hard to think about cooking at all.

            Oh, and your stupid SIL really annoyed me with a dumb comment she made on Facebook.  She made a comment about what an awesome thing Jenn was doing by taking the boys swimming on Saturday at her house.  She said something to the effect that God would reward her.  What the heck; so that’s why we’re kind to others, for a reward?  I don’t want my kids to be pitied; they’re just kids.  I guess I need to get over my anger about it, but it pissed me off totally.  It’s a good thing that I don’t like D very much anyway because I REALLY wouldn’t like her after her stupid comment!

            Honestly, I just want you back and I want this nightmare to end.  I want to reach over and be able to touch you or hug you at night.  I want to see your head on the pillow and listen to you breathing.  I want to know that I can call you at any time and talk to you about the millions of things we talked about.   Why did you have to go?  Why does God hate me so much that He had to take you away?

            Love,  Karyn