August 22, 2011
Dear Bryan,
This is all horrible; nothing about this is good at all. I miss you so much that at times I can’t even breathe. We needed so many more years together; we didn’t have long enough at all. Two nights ago I dreamed about you; you came back and you were alive again. I asked you how you could do that and you said that sometimes these things happened. I said you were gone for 6 weeks and you said that was okay; you were here now. I hugged you and cried and cried and you hugged me back. Mom and Dad were there and they just kept crying, too. We were all so happy!
You asked what had happened while you were gone and you wanted to know when you could go back to work. I told you that you couldn’t go back to work because we had your death certificate and you said you would just get that changed. You asked about finances and bills and how I was affording things and then Isaiah saw you and he was so happy. We just hugged you and hugged you. I was sad all day when I woke up. This is the worst pain that I’ve ever felt in my whole life. Your loss has left the biggest hole in my heart. I feel like I’m a china vase and if I’m not handled carefully; I will shatter into a million pieces. Everything is so hard and it takes me forever to get anything done.
Isaiah wants to go to the cemetery and put a flower on your grave. THAT thought makes me incredibly sad, but he is very insistent so I don’t think I will be able to talk him out of it. He’s a very determined little boy and he doesn’t give up on things easily. ::SIGH:: It will make me very, very sad to go to the cemetery.
So, since I’ve been traveling this road for a while I have some suggestions for people as to what to do when someone has suffered a loss. Everything is so difficult for them so anything you do to help them is greatly appreciated. And believe me; a lot of the widows or widowers won’t ask for help. I know I have a hard time asking for help.
1) Call the person up who lost their loved one just to check in with them. Call them months later because they're still grieving and feeling horrible.
2) Offer to take their kids out for an afternoon, morning, evening, whatever. I wasn't prepared for how needy and clingy my 6 year-old has become. I'm still not and he's driving me crazy.
3) Bring them a meal. Tonight was the first night I actually MADE something since Bryan died and it was just grilled cheese sandwiches. If you can't bring a meal, maybe you can arrange with other friends, family of the person to bring meals. My sister's son's soccer coach died suddenly and someone set up a list on Facebook and she has meals arranged for the next two months. I think that's just awesome. If you can't bring a meal and have extra time, maybe you can offer to shop for them. I can barely THINK of what to buy let alone grocery shop. I went grocery shopping yesterday and I forgot half of the things we need! It's awful!
4) Call the person up and don't just ask them what you can help them with, but make suggestions. Maybe offer to clean their house (I would LOVE this!) or help fold laundry or look into services for them. My sister not only looked into services at Gilda's Club for me and the kids, but she went with me. I don't think I could have gone on my own. I wouldn't have signed up on my own. Be prepared for the person to say 'no' that they don't need anything, but if you assure them that you DO want to do something; they will (or might) eventually tell you what they need help with. Heck, I've never trimmed bushes or mowed my lawn since I've been married and I don't have a CLUE how to go about it! I've also never gotten the oil changed in my van. I'm just extremely overwhelmed by everything.
And someone on a Widow’s bulletin board I belong to wrote a wonderful piece about losing one’s spouse. I’m reprinting it with his permission. It really struck me because he’s totally right; most people DON’T get it and they think we should be ‘over’ our pain and loss within a few months. This pain is so great that I have difficulty breathing. I lost my best friend, my partner in love, my lover, the person that I loved more than anyone in the world. I still see him everywhere. I hear his voice and I dream about him all the time. I want my husband back more than anything and nothing I do will bring him back. I can’t ‘fix it’ for my kids and I can’t ‘fix it’ for me. This is the biggest, greatest pain that I have ever felt. I have to try to breathe most days and it’s an effort to do anything at all. I totally understand couples who die within hours or days from each other now. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my kids I would stay in bed all day and mourn my husband’s loss.
Well, here is the essay:
Unique and Devastating Loss
With the death of our spouse we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.
But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned. Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens. and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.
And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past. And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.
Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours.
With the death of our spouse we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.
But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned. Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens. and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.
And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past. And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.
Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours.
Oh, Bryan, I love you so much. If wishing could bring you back, you would be here now. Isaiah threw pennies in the wishing well at Gilda’s Club and he told me later that he wished his Daddy would come back. What 6 year-old should have to wish that? It just about broke my heart when he told me that. He’s just a little boy that loved his Father dearly. We all loved you and we want you here, on earth, with your family. That’s where you belong. Can you look down and see us? Do you see our hearts breaking? Do you know how much we miss you and how much you were loved? I see you everywhere; Isaiah sees you everywhere and we all want you back.
That’s all for tonight. I love you so much.
Your wife, Karyn
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