June 14, 2011
I miss you every day and I still can’t believe that I won’t ever talk to you again. I wake up in the morning and want to call to tell you things and then I remember again that you’re gone and I have to remind myself to breath again. I can only look at the very near future because if I think ahead any farther than that; I can’t cope. I can’t imagine NEVER seeing you again. I want to hug you again and feel your flannel against my cheek and know that you’re my guy.
Last night I was putting yarn away in the bedroom and I folded up the t-shirt you were wearing and I was thinking I could put yarn in your top drawer and there wouldn’t be anything you could do about it and it cracked me up. You always told me the yarn had to stay out of the garage and your room and your side of the bed. But I wouldn’t do it because it’s your dresser. I don’t want anyone touching your things at all.
Honestly, I think I’m still in shock…How could you go and leave me like this? We were supposed to grow old together. We’re supposed to be going out to dinner for our anniversary next week. Will you celebrate it in Heaven? Are you looking down at me saying, “You can do it, Karyn.” And why oh why aren’t you here with me now? I miss you so, so much….I keep remembering how much fun we had together and I hope you always knew how much I loved you; even when I was crabby with you.
We had so many plans for the future. You made me a better person. I think I will be forever grateful that you were in my life. Twelve years wasn’t long enough. We were a team. How can I be a team of one? Nothing will be the same again. You were the best father to our kids. They miss you so much, too…
