Memories of my husband: August 2011

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

August 24, 2011

Dear Bryan,

I promised you a funny story so I guess I should tell you it, huh? Isaiah was painting in your room one morning and he painted his stomach red. I kept asking him what happened and he wouldn’t tell me. That same day I had to bring Mike to the dentist and we were asking him what happened. He kept saying it was an accident and Mikeala asked him if he was painting and then FELL on the picture. He said, “Yes, that’s what happened, my feet aren’t always that stable.” LMAO! He is such a crazy little kid. He also made Mike sit in the back seat because Dida, his imaginary friend, was sitting in the car with him. So then Mike asked him where the picture was because it had to be a big picture to get that much paint on himself. Isaiah then answered that he had given the picture to Dida and she had taken it home with her so he couldn’t show it to us!!

Mikeala and I laughed and laughed over that one. Sometimes he comes up with the funniest things. I wish I could call you up and share them with you. I will always try my hardest to raise him knowing who his Father is. All of your children miss you so much. Mike is getting ready to have the baby and she keeps having contractions. She was whining like crazy about them tonight. I told her she needs to wait another week to have the baby because I’m not done with her baby blanket yet! I told her to cross her legs. Ha, ha, ha…

And here is my other funny story. Remember how we went down the toll road in Colorado and then there was no one to pay and we were wondering why there wasn’t. We thought maybe it was a new road and so it wasn’t up and running yet. Well, the other day I got a bill in the mail for $3.00 for using that toll road! I thought it was hilarious…And it said, “Do not send cash.” LMAO again! You and I would have laughed and laughed over that one. So, I had to use a stamp to send out a $3.00 check for using a toll road a month earlier. Oh, and if I didn’t pay it right away; I would have had to pay $5.00! I’m still kind of chuckling over that one. I miss telling you the funny stories that happen in my day like that.

You know this story, but everyone else doesn’t so you can just listen while I’m telling the story. While we were on vacation at Mark and Jenn’s house Freya got used to Isaiah being there and throwing her ball for her. So, she came up one morning and he was still wearing his pajamas and he wanted to change and he insisted that Freya had to leave the room. You asked why and Isaiah said, “Because she’s a girl and I’m a boy.” LOL You kind of chuckled and said, “But Mom is a girl” and Isaiah answered, “She’s my MOM” in an indignant tone. It was too cute.

But, see, this is all a double-edge sword because the cute things about Isaiah are sad, too, because you’re not here to share them with. It’s a sad, sad thing to lose one’s father at such a young age. He’s never even lost his first tooth or learned to ride a two wheeled bike and yet he’s lost his Father. That is just unfathomable to me. No little boy should be without his Dad at such a young age.

Isaiah told me that if it made me too sad to go to the cemetery I didn’t have to go. I told him it might take me a while to take him there, but I would take him. I just told him that everything reminded me of Daddy. So, the literal little boy said, “Does the t.v. remind you of Dad? Does the picture of that car remind you of Dad?” and he went on and on. Mr. One Track Mind can be pretty funny at times.

For some reason, he really, really wants to go to the cemetery and put a flower on your grave. He has a flower for me to put on your grave, too. I’m not sure what he thinks your grave at the cemetery is going to look like, but I’m going to try to bring him there tomorrow. He wants to go so badly so maybe it will make him feel a little better. He likes to light the ‘Dad Candle’ and it seems to make him feel a little bit better when he lights it. Of course, right now nothing really makes him feel better because he just misses you so much! I wish you could come back and play with him again.

That’s all I have for now.

I love you, Karyn

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

August 22, 2011

Dear Bryan,

This is all horrible; nothing about this is good at all. I miss you so much that at times I can’t even breathe. We needed so many more years together; we didn’t have long enough at all. Two nights ago I dreamed about you; you came back and you were alive again. I asked you how you could do that and you said that sometimes these things happened. I said you were gone for 6 weeks and you said that was okay; you were here now. I hugged you and cried and cried and you hugged me back. Mom and Dad were there and they just kept crying, too. We were all so happy!

You asked what had happened while you were gone and you wanted to know when you could go back to work. I told you that you couldn’t go back to work because we had your death certificate and you said you would just get that changed. You asked about finances and bills and how I was affording things and then Isaiah saw you and he was so happy. We just hugged you and hugged you. I was sad all day when I woke up. This is the worst pain that I’ve ever felt in my whole life. Your loss has left the biggest hole in my heart. I feel like I’m a china vase and if I’m not handled carefully; I will shatter into a million pieces. Everything is so hard and it takes me forever to get anything done.

Isaiah wants to go to the cemetery and put a flower on your grave. THAT thought makes me incredibly sad, but he is very insistent so I don’t think I will be able to talk him out of it. He’s a very determined little boy and he doesn’t give up on things easily. ::SIGH:: It will make me very, very sad to go to the cemetery.

So, since I’ve been traveling this road for a while I have some suggestions for people as to what to do when someone has suffered a loss. Everything is so difficult for them so anything you do to help them is greatly appreciated. And believe me; a lot of the widows or widowers won’t ask for help. I know I have a hard time asking for help.

1) Call the person up who lost their loved one just to check in with them. Call them months later because they're still grieving and feeling horrible.

2) Offer to take their kids out for an afternoon, morning, evening, whatever. I wasn't prepared for how needy and clingy my 6 year-old has become. I'm still not and he's driving me crazy.

3) Bring them a meal. Tonight was the first night I actually MADE something since Bryan died and it was just grilled cheese sandwiches. If you can't bring a meal, maybe you can arrange with other friends, family of the person to bring meals. My sister's son's soccer coach died suddenly and someone set up a list on Facebook and she has meals arranged for the next two months. I think that's just awesome. If you can't bring a meal and have extra time, maybe you can offer to shop for them. I can barely THINK of what to buy let alone grocery shop. I went grocery shopping yesterday and I forgot half of the things we need! It's awful!

4) Call the person up and don't just ask them what you can help them with, but make suggestions. Maybe offer to clean their house (I would LOVE this!) or help fold laundry or look into services for them. My sister not only looked into services at Gilda's Club for me and the kids, but she went with me. I don't think I could have gone on my own. I wouldn't have signed up on my own. Be prepared for the person to say 'no' that they don't need anything, but if you assure them that you DO want to do something; they will (or might) eventually tell you what they need help with. Heck, I've never trimmed bushes or mowed my lawn since I've been married and I don't have a CLUE how to go about it! I've also never gotten the oil changed in my van. I'm just extremely overwhelmed by everything.

And someone on a Widow’s bulletin board I belong to wrote a wonderful piece about losing one’s spouse. I’m reprinting it with his permission. It really struck me because he’s totally right; most people DON’T get it and they think we should be ‘over’ our pain and loss within a few months. This pain is so great that I have difficulty breathing. I lost my best friend, my partner in love, my lover, the person that I loved more than anyone in the world. I still see him everywhere. I hear his voice and I dream about him all the time. I want my husband back more than anything and nothing I do will bring him back. I can’t ‘fix it’ for my kids and I can’t ‘fix it’ for me. This is the biggest, greatest pain that I have ever felt. I have to try to breathe most days and it’s an effort to do anything at all. I totally understand couples who die within hours or days from each other now. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my kids I would stay in bed all day and mourn my husband’s loss.

Well, here is the essay:

Unique and Devastating Loss
With the death of our spouse we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned. Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens. and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past. And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours.

Oh, Bryan, I love you so much. If wishing could bring you back, you would be here now. Isaiah threw pennies in the wishing well at Gilda’s Club and he told me later that he wished his Daddy would come back. What 6 year-old should have to wish that? It just about broke my heart when he told me that. He’s just a little boy that loved his Father dearly. We all loved you and we want you here, on earth, with your family. That’s where you belong. Can you look down and see us? Do you see our hearts breaking? Do you know how much we miss you and how much you were loved? I see you everywhere; Isaiah sees you everywhere and we all want you back.

That’s all for tonight. I love you so much.

Your wife, Karyn

Monday, August 22, 2011

August 19, 2011

Bryan,

I’m doing as badly now as I was when I first found out. This just sucks; it totally sucks. I feel like I’m bleeding on the inside and I hurt all the time. And to make matters worse; the little boy is a whiny little kid and he’s making me CRAZY! He whines about everything now. You need to come back and help me with the kid because I can’t handle him. I’ve always hated whiny kids and now I have one! I know it’s because he’s just sad, but the acting out is just really too much for me. Honestly, his whining is making ME crabby! It kind of makes me want to stab someone with my DPNs. For those who don’t know, DPNs means double pointed needles. The bamboo ones can really hurt. LOL Tiffany was contemplating stabbing someone with them on Saturday, but first she would need to GET some DPNs. LOL

I’m also wondering what I did wrong to get such a selfish son. Elisha just doesn’t care about anyone except himself. That disappoints me a lot. He was over this week and wondered why Isaiah was so whiny. I just looked at him and said, “His Dad DIED; how do you think he’s going to be acting?!” Sheesh…And then today he texted me rude things about needing to get his FASFA done NOW and didn’t I care about him. So, as Tiffany always says, his lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part. It makes me mad that he just expects me to be there for him and do things for him when I’m having an AWFUL time just getting up in the morning and showering and dealing with the kids. Elisha was SUPPOSED to have done his FASFA in the springtime so because he waited until NOW to do it; that supposedly means I don’t care about whether or not he goes to college next week? Incredible…

And then today he told me to ‘cheer up’ and that I shouldn’t be sad! Gahhh….does he not understand the grieving process? How can the kid not understand what it’s like to lose a piece of one’s heart? To say I’m incredibly disappointed in him is a vast understatement. I always thought of him as an awesome kid, but I’m so upset about him basically not caring about my sadness and sorrow right now.

So, Tiffany said she liked it when I mentioned her in my blog so I’ll tell you what she said to me the other day. Ha, ha, ha…Actually, I can’t because this is a public blog, but I would tell you if I was on the phone with you. Let’s just say that Tiffany texted me something REALLY funny and REALLY unlike her and it kind of made me gasp and then it made me laugh. Don’t tell Tiffany that I thought it was funny, though, because I had to act outraged by it. I don’t want her to get a big head and then she’ll think she’s the ‘good kid’. Well, she IS mostly good except she doesn’t come to visit me enough. I think she should come and see her Momma more often.

Mike is getting ready to have the baby. I paid the lawyer a deposit and she went to go and see the birth Dad in prison, AKA the sperm donor, who won’t be eligible for release for AT LEAST 8 years and he didn’t sign the forms to terminate his rights. The lawyer said he acted surprised and mentioned something about thinking his Mom was going to get the baby. Yeah, THAT’S not going to happen. Now the lawyer needs to send the paperwork to the prison because she couldn’t just leave it with him and maybe he’ll sign off on his rights. If he won’t sign off his rights, then Mike can sign guardianship papers and then we can go to court in a year or so to get his rights terminated. Since the boy got 8-20 years and his EARLIEST out date is 8 years; I can’t see any judge not terminating his rights. I hope the social security stuff goes through soon because who knows how long all of this will take. ::SIGH:: I don’t need all of this crap on top of everything that I’m already dealing with. L

I just want you back; why can’t you come back? You’ve been gone too long. Isaiah walks around saying he misses you and he is so, so sad. Today he went and got a suitcase and he started filling it with things that remind him of you. It made me so sad that he was doing that. He’s filling it with ‘Daddy Memories’. It was the saddest thing ever. How does one comfort a 6 year-old boy who has lost his Father and who loved his Father so much. I can’t be Mom and Dad and this totally isn’t fair. I’m just stuck, stuck, stuck…This all just sucks so much. I loved you so much and I want you back to hug you and hold you and never let you go. I see your smiling face everywhere and I hear your laugh and I want to call you up and share things with you and I can’t call you up and tell them to you and that sucks, too!

So, yesterday I got something strange in the mail and you would have laughed like crazy at it. Since I need to go now; I’ll tell you about it later.

Love, your wife, Karyn

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

August 10, 2011

Hi Bryan,

I’m not sure why people think I’m doing okay because I’m not. I know how important Dads are to children and I never set out for this sucky role of being Mom and Dad. Tonight Isaiah kept coming up to me and crying and saying, “I miss Dad.” It just totally breaks my heart. He loved you so much. I loved you so much. Mikeal and Christian loved you so much. We all still do so why did you have to leave us?

I keep wondering what your last moments were like. Did you feel pain? Did you think of me? Did you think of your family? Did you think of how much we all loved you? And why did this have to happen to us? We were happy; we had fun together; we had beat the odds. More than anything I want this sucky nightmare to be over and I want you back.

Honestly, this hurts as bad and feels as awful right now as I did when I first found out. I don’t feel any better about you being gone today than I did when I first found out. I just want you back. I understand why some couples die within a month or months of their spouse dying now. If it wasn’t for my kids, I wouldn’t want to go on. It’s too awful and it’s too sad to be without the person I loved so much. We had it made; we loved each other, we loved our kids, we were committed to one another, we had a nice house, etc., so why did this have to happen? I don’t want to go one without you. We didn’t have a perfect relationship, but it was good and now everything is just bad and awful and it sucks without you here. I want to talk to you so much and I can’t.

I think the next time someone tells me that you’re in a better place; I will scream because I’m sick of hearing that. The best place for you would be here; with your family. You had such an awful time with your evil ex and you treated you so terrible that I always hoped I made you happy. I didn’t care that you had your ‘man stuff’ in the living room because I loved you more. I didn’t care about your stuff; I cared about you and your ‘man stuff’ made you happy. You felt the same way about me and my yarn and my knitting; it made me happy so you didn’t care that I bought yarn.

Isaiah said and did the funniest thing today, but I’ll have to tell you about it later on because I’m going to bed now. Oh, and the kids and I went to Tiffany’s house for dinner tonight. It was yummy. I haven’t cooked a meal for the kids since you died. I just can’t concentrate on cooking; it takes too much effort. I’m decreeing that all widows should get home cooked meals for at least a month or two after the death of their spouse because it’s just TOO hard to think about cooking at all.

Oh, and your stupid SIL really annoyed me with a dumb comment she made on Facebook. She made a comment about what an awesome thing Jenn was doing by taking the boys swimming on Saturday at her house. She said something to the effect that God would reward her. What the heck; so that’s why we’re kind to others, for a reward? I don’t want my kids to be pitied; they’re just kids. I guess I need to get over my anger about it, but it pissed me off totally. It’s a good thing that I don’t like D very much anyway because I REALLY wouldn’t like her after her stupid comment!

Honestly, I just want you back and I want this nightmare to end. I want to reach over and be able to touch you or hug you at night. I want to see your head on the pillow and listen to you breathing. I want to know that I can call you at any time and talk to you about the millions of things we talked about. Why did you have to go? Why does God hate me so much that He had to take you away?

Love, Karyn

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

August 2, 2011

Hi Bryan,

I had to buy a new refrigerator today. It sucked having to go up there without you. You and I always bought our appliances together and you were always such a goofball when we shopped for things. You were embarrassing, but I kind of liked it. You made things fun. They still have stupid plastic shelves in every single refrigerator, too. I don’t understand why they make refrigerators with plastic parts. I tried to pick a refrigerator that was sturdier than the last one we had. The freezer on it seems bigger, too. The only thing that I didn’t like about the refrigerator was that it was black. I really wanted a white one, but they didn’t have this one in white and I liked it best. The salesman gave me a pretty good deal on it. He gave me free delivery and a 5 year extended warranty. If I don’t use the warranty in those 5 years, then I can bring the sales receipt in and get half of the money back. I thought that was a pretty good deal. I only went to ABC Warehouse because I just didn’t have the time or energy to go to different places. Since we have always had good luck at ABC, I just went back there. Since Steve needed a refrigerator, too, I had him go with me. He took a lot of time deciding which refrigerator he wanted, but he finally picked one out, too. The salesman probably thought it was his night because he got to sell two refrigerators in one fell swoop. LOL

I had originally called the repairman who fixed the refrigerator two months ago to try to get him to fix the refrigerator again and he said he would replace the part for free if it was the part that was bad, but he would charge again for the labor. THAT ticks me off; he only guarantees his work for a MONTH? That’s awful! I think repairmen are just rip offs; I haven’t liked any of the ones that have ever come to our house other than the furnace guy who was decent (what WAS his name?!) and the last toilet repairman. I think most repairmen suck and they are just out to cheat the average homeowner.

I am tired. The lawyer’s meeting with pretty boring. I don’t like the guy at all. I think I told you that before you left me. He wanted a lot of information, but he didn’t want to give any up. He said he couldn’t advise us (Kathi went with me) because his partner is the lawyer for the nursery. Then why the heck did he write up your will anyway? I did find out the process is going to be longer than we thought it would be. Since the life insurance was written up in the past two years; the insurance company requires a copy of the autopsy and then they need to review it so that might take a while.

At this point, I’m really wishing that we had paid for a life insurance policy for you. It would have made things so much easier and a lot less stressful. I didn’t think the Trust process would be this lengthy. I think we were both very mistaken about the length of time that would be involved in it. The Trust is supposed to pay the funeral bill, but it looks like it’s going to be a while before THAT gets done, too. The only good thing is your evil ex is probably going crazy without any money coming in! LOL Jaki is friends with her on Facebook and I asked her if she was writing anything about it on her Wall. Jaki said sadly she wasn’t and her Wall was boring!

I was watching, “The Little Couple” on t.v. tonight and I couldn’t finish watching it. The show has never bothered me before, but I just couldn’t take watching a cute couple interacting with each other. That was us; we were always having fun with each other and it just made me too sad to watch another couple acting like that. I always wanted a good marriage and a great man to share my life with and I had that with you. I see you everywhere; I see your smiling face and I still just can’t believe you’re gone! It’s just inconceivable. I want my Bryan back and it makes me so sad that you’re not here with me.

I was reading C.S. Lewis’ book, “A Grief Observed” and he said he never knew grief felt so much like fear before. I totally agree with him; I’m scared to death. I never wanted to be a single parent and I was very careful with who I picked. I found you; a great father and a pretty awesome husband and the best friend I ever had and yet I’m kind of stuck raising the children alone and being alone again. There isn’t much to say except that this totally sucks and I miss you so much! I would play the, “This isn’t fair card,” but lots of things in life aren’t fair and I don’t think I have a corner on the, “This isn’t fair market.”

I want a ‘do over’ so we can do over that day and change the outcome. Tiffany used to watch a t.v. show about a cat that would bring tomorrow’s newspaper and the man would try to figure out what event he had to change to make things better. He would usually find a murder or a death that happened and change that so that it didn’t happen. So, I call a ‘do over’ so I can call you the night before and tell you good night, so that I can be with you on your last day, so I can change the way things happened. We let kids do over their turn in a game so why can’t I have a do over for this? I just want to go back and edit the whole day and maybe the whole week before that and maybe the week before that. I want to hug you one, two, a dozen more times and tell you that I love you two dozen times or more. I just want to pretend that this is a bad dream and that you will walk through that door one more time, but I DON’T want to live my reality because this reality sucks!

Kathi did these really cute picture albums with pictures of you. She did one for each one of the kids. I think the kids really liked them. Isaiah has been so matter of fact that it’s just odd. He asked me yesterday if your clothes were still in your closet. I told him they were and he asked if he could see them. I told him, “Yes” and he opened up the closet to look at them. Then he asked if all of your clothes were still in your drawers and I told him they were and again he asked if he could see them. I told him he could and he checked every drawer to see if your clothes were in the drawer. I’m not sure what’s up with that, but he just wanted to check if they were still there. Then he asked me if he was getting a new Daddy; which makes me think that he really doesn’t understand what’s happening. He says he misses you and he asks questions, but most of the time he just seems normal. I totally don’t understand it. I think I need to read up on how 6 year-olds handle loss and grief because it all seems really weird to me.

Christian doesn’t talk about things, but then again he’s always been a quiet kid. Mikeala is very sad and is having a hard time dealing with things. She misses you so much and she’s been spending a lot of time watching t.v. in the basement in the dark. She says she likes sitting in the dark. I wonder if that’s her way of trying to escape from her sadness. Mike says it seems like you’re just going to walk through the door and that it just seems like this is a bad dream. That’s how I feel; too, this is the worst dream I’ve ever had.

By the way, the next time I decide to make a baby blanket that looks ‘easy’, please slap me. Well, stop me anyway because you were never into physical violence. Your evil ex used to say how awful you were to her and how abusive and from time to time I would ask you when the evil side was going to come out and you would just smile at me and say you were still waiting! LOL That always cracked me up because the evil side just wasn’t there for you. You were just a sweet guy and we were just a normal couple that had fun at times and argued sometimes, but a couple that was committed to each other and committed to succeeding with their marriage and trying to make things better when things came up. We weren’t always perfect with each other, but we always loved each other.

I remember how incredibly happy I was at our 10^th Anniversary because so many second marriages end in divorce and we had beat the odds. I put on my wedding dress and I made you were your suit and I had Tiffany take pictures of us in front of the house. Then we went out to dinner at Olive Garden. We had a very nice dinner and I remember how ecstatic I was that we had made it to 10 years. It was an awesome experience and the years with you were mostly good. This spring I had talked to you about what we should do when we hit our 15 year anniversary. It was just a normal, typical conversation for us like many conversations we had had before and it’s going to be forever sad to me that we won’t ever hit the 15 year milestone. I will be forever sad that my little boy will grow up without the Daddy that he loved so much and that Christian won’t have the Daddy that he had developed such a great relationship with and Mikeala won’t have the father that she adored and had so much fun with.

My brain is having trouble reconciling the fact that you’re gone and that there isn’t a good reason for you not to be here. We were on vacation and you were fine, you spent two twelve hour days working on Steve’s roof and you were fine, you spent 3 or 4 days working driving truck and you were fine, so why did you suddenly get up one day and you weren’t fine? Why weren’t there any symptoms? Why did God decide it was your time to go? Why couldn’t I have more than 12 years with you? I’m not strong enough or tough enough to do this on my own because I’m just way too sad. This is all just too sad, too awful, too inconceivable for my brain to make sense of because this DOESN’T make sense. It’s all just too overwhelming for my brain to grasp. How is a seemingly healthy man just go to work and drop dead from a heart attack? It just doesn’t make sense and I like to figure things out and make sense of them. This doesn’t MAKE any sense at all to me and I want it to make sense. How does one make sense of something when there isn’t any sense to me made of it? I haven’t figured that out yet at all.

Well, I’m tired and I finally finished sewing the blanket together so I’m going to say good night. I love you so much!

Your wife, Karyn

Monday, August 1, 2011

July 31, 2011

Hi Bryan,

Are you sick of me telling you how much I miss you yet? I guess it’s too bad if you do because I miss you a lot. I miss you every single day and I still can’t believe that you aren’t here. I think I’m still in shock. The first two weeks I woke up every three hours and I was literally shaking. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I will forever view my life as before and after July 8, 2011; the saddest day of my life. I will remember every second as if it is in slow motion. It’s not that I WANT to remember, but it will always be there and I don’t think anything will ever erase it. I miss my sweet man so much!

I always hated it when people died and other made them into saints so I will try not to do that with you. I will try to always be honest, but to also be kind. I like how we always treated each other kindly and we didn’t take cheap shots with each other. We didn’t tell each other rude things about themselves and we tried to fight fair. I always liked how you weren’t all braggy about things and how you weren’t into B.S. like some of your friends are. You could do a lot more than what you bragged about; you were a very talented man.

You weren’t good at standing up to people, though. You were often a doormat and THAT made me crazy. You got taken advantage of a lot because of your kind nature and sometimes I just wanted to shake you when you wouldn’t stand up for yourself. I won’t say here what I told people about it because it wouldn’t be appropriate for a public blog, but it is one area where you could have used an awful lot of improvement. I’m not sure whether you ever felt taken advantage of since you didn’t talk about things like that. You just lived life and had fun with most of the things you did. You usually wanted to do things rather than just sit around because you got bored easily. Well, unless you were watching television; then you could sit for hours! LOL

I asked Isaiah is he was going to be a helper for Vacation Bible School again next year and he said he was. I asked him if he was just going to go to it and he said no, that he had to be a helper. LOL Isaiah is such a nut. He cracks me up. Well, when he’s not being naughty, that is. He’s been throwing a lot of fits lately and spending more time in time-out than usual. He’s been mean to Christian and then he comes to me crying and saying that Christian is mean to him. I know it’s because he’s so little and he misses you, but he still needs to behave so I’m holding him accountable. He got a spanking when he was put in time-out the second time today. He was throwing things and slamming the front door and I had had it with him. He was very good after he got out of time-out, though. It’s a good thing I love that little boy because he can be very naughty at times!

I’m still very sad that your work could pay out the enormous amount of vacation time you had and yet they couldn’t even pay you your paychecks every week. It’s crazy how much time you had for vacation and yet they would hardly let you take any time off. I’m wondering if I’m eventually going to go from being sad to being angry. Right now; I’m just sad. I know there were days you wanted to take off and you were told ‘no‘ that they needed you. I think you weren’t treated fairly and you just took it. This is what I mean about you being a doormat and being taken advantage of. Since you didn’t stand up for yourself; your work took advantage of you and you let them get away with things that you shouldn’t have. We didn’t see eye-to-eye on that one at all. I didn’t like seeing them treat you like that because it just wasn’t right. I wish you would have found your balls and stood up to them. I honestly think the hours you kept contributed to your death; that was just too many hours to work each week. Of course, your terrible eating habits didn’t help, either.

I’m trying very hard NOT to play the ‘what if’ game because that will make me crazy. I DO wish that you could have just had a mild heart attack so you could have had a chance to change your eating habits and then you would still be here. It amazes me how fast you were gone. I wish you would have realized that you were in trouble and that you would have asked for help. It still might have been too late because Amen was in the hospital when he collapsed and it was too late for him and nurses were with him immediately. I honestly think that Margie is right and it was just your time to go for some reason. You probably wouldn’t have believed me if I had told you your poor eating habits were killing you anyway. You always kind of poo-pooed me when I tried to talk to you about eating better and more healthily.

I am still totally in shock that you’re gone, though. So is Matt. It just seems like an awful nightmare that I need to be woken up from. I just can’t imagine my life without you and I can’t even get mad at you and yell at you for leaving me because you’re not here to yell at me! I’m kind of wondering when I’m going to get mad about things. I’ve heard that’s a stage that people go through. Right now; I just feel sad, though. Everything about you being gone makes me sad. I always told you to take good care of yourself and to drive safe, but I worried about you on the road; not having a heart attack and dying. The thought that you could go to work one day and drop dead of a heart attack never entered my mind. I still find the fact totally incredulous. Fifty-one year old seemingly healthy men who have had physicals and EKGs don’t just go to work and drop dead of a heart attack so this must be a mistake.

I’m trying to keep busy by knitting a lot. It’s helping to keep my mind off of things. I picked an easy pattern so I wouldn’t mess up, but I am SOOOO sick of the easy pattern! Now I just want to be DONE with this stupid blanket. I have 5 more squares to do and I’m averaging 2-3 squares a night. I’m blocking 9 squares right now so I can start sewing the first two rows together if they’re dry by tomorrow afternoon. The colors on the blanket are really pretty. Oh, I know you don’t really care about those things, but you’re a captive audience right now so you’re stuck listening to me!! LOL I picked light pink, medium pink, kiwi (that’s lime green), and white. Remember how you had a pink door and since you’re colorblind you didn’t know! I thought it was funny that you lived there for three years and no one told you that you had a pink door! Ha, ha, ha….

After I’m done with this blanket, I have 2-3 baby sweaters to do for the new baby and a baby blanket. AND I need to do Isaiah’s dog square and my two commission knits. Since my brain was still gone; I decided to do the simplest project first. One baby sweater is the Five Hour Baby Sweater, but it always takes me about 10 hours to do. Still, I can get that one done in two nights so maybe I can get the blanket AND one of the baby sweaters done this week yet. That would be nice. Are you bored yet? Well, tough! You’re kind of ‘stuck’ with listening to me. J

I was just watching Pawn Stars and they had a really funny part. You would have laughed like crazy at it. If you had been here, I would have called you in and replayed it and we would have laughed. I laughed and then I cried because you weren’t here to show it to. I have so many of these moments every day. I do double-takes and expect to see you in certain situations. Two days ago the neighbor was having their lawn done and I saw a guy on a riding lawn mower and at first I thought it was you and then I remembered again that you were gone. It’s like everything hit me in the gut again and I felt sad again.

I kind of think your friend hit on me yesterday. He called to see how I was doing, but I got a weird vibe from the conversation. It just seems odd because he was always your friend and not mine and we didn’t get together as couples. I talked to a few friends about some of the things he said and they agreed. Some of the things he said just seemed odd, but maybe I was reading him wrong; I don’t know. I think I’ll go with my gut and not meet him for lunch, though.

I miss not going out to dinner with you. That was always our thing to do. We loved talking over dinner and having a good meal. I’m still sad that we didn’t get to go out for our anniversary. The loss of you is heavy in my heart today and every day.

That’s all for now. I love you, your wife, Karyn