July 31, 2011
Hi Bryan,
Are you sick of me telling you how much I miss you yet? I guess it’s too bad if you do because I miss you a lot. I miss you every single day and I still can’t believe that you aren’t here. I think I’m still in shock. The first two weeks I woke up every three hours and I was literally shaking. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I will forever view my life as before and after July 8, 2011; the saddest day of my life. I will remember every second as if it is in slow motion. It’s not that I WANT to remember, but it will always be there and I don’t think anything will ever erase it. I miss my sweet man so much!
I always hated it when people died and other made them into saints so I will try not to do that with you. I will try to always be honest, but to also be kind. I like how we always treated each other kindly and we didn’t take cheap shots with each other. We didn’t tell each other rude things about themselves and we tried to fight fair. I always liked how you weren’t all braggy about things and how you weren’t into B.S. like some of your friends are. You could do a lot more than what you bragged about; you were a very talented man.
You weren’t good at standing up to people, though. You were often a doormat and THAT made me crazy. You got taken advantage of a lot because of your kind nature and sometimes I just wanted to shake you when you wouldn’t stand up for yourself. I won’t say here what I told people about it because it wouldn’t be appropriate for a public blog, but it is one area where you could have used an awful lot of improvement. I’m not sure whether you ever felt taken advantage of since you didn’t talk about things like that. You just lived life and had fun with most of the things you did. You usually wanted to do things rather than just sit around because you got bored easily. Well, unless you were watching television; then you could sit for hours! LOL
I asked Isaiah is he was going to be a helper for Vacation Bible School again next year and he said he was. I asked him if he was just going to go to it and he said no, that he had to be a helper. LOL Isaiah is such a nut. He cracks me up. Well, when he’s not being naughty, that is. He’s been throwing a lot of fits lately and spending more time in time-out than usual. He’s been mean to Christian and then he comes to me crying and saying that Christian is mean to him. I know it’s because he’s so little and he misses you, but he still needs to behave so I’m holding him accountable. He got a spanking when he was put in time-out the second time today. He was throwing things and slamming the front door and I had had it with him. He was very good after he got out of time-out, though. It’s a good thing I love that little boy because he can be very naughty at times!
I’m still very sad that your work could pay out the enormous amount of vacation time you had and yet they couldn’t even pay you your paychecks every week. It’s crazy how much time you had for vacation and yet they would hardly let you take any time off. I’m wondering if I’m eventually going to go from being sad to being angry. Right now; I’m just sad. I know there were days you wanted to take off and you were told ‘no‘ that they needed you. I think you weren’t treated fairly and you just took it. This is what I mean about you being a doormat and being taken advantage of. Since you didn’t stand up for yourself; your work took advantage of you and you let them get away with things that you shouldn’t have. We didn’t see eye-to-eye on that one at all. I didn’t like seeing them treat you like that because it just wasn’t right. I wish you would have found your balls and stood up to them. I honestly think the hours you kept contributed to your death; that was just too many hours to work each week. Of course, your terrible eating habits didn’t help, either.
I’m trying very hard NOT to play the ‘what if’ game because that will make me crazy. I DO wish that you could have just had a mild heart attack so you could have had a chance to change your eating habits and then you would still be here. It amazes me how fast you were gone. I wish you would have realized that you were in trouble and that you would have asked for help. It still might have been too late because Amen was in the hospital when he collapsed and it was too late for him and nurses were with him immediately. I honestly think that Margie is right and it was just your time to go for some reason. You probably wouldn’t have believed me if I had told you your poor eating habits were killing you anyway. You always kind of poo-pooed me when I tried to talk to you about eating better and more healthily.
I am still totally in shock that you’re gone, though. So is Matt. It just seems like an awful nightmare that I need to be woken up from. I just can’t imagine my life without you and I can’t even get mad at you and yell at you for leaving me because you’re not here to yell at me! I’m kind of wondering when I’m going to get mad about things. I’ve heard that’s a stage that people go through. Right now; I just feel sad, though. Everything about you being gone makes me sad. I always told you to take good care of yourself and to drive safe, but I worried about you on the road; not having a heart attack and dying. The thought that you could go to work one day and drop dead of a heart attack never entered my mind. I still find the fact totally incredulous. Fifty-one year old seemingly healthy men who have had physicals and EKGs don’t just go to work and drop dead of a heart attack so this must be a mistake.
I’m trying to keep busy by knitting a lot. It’s helping to keep my mind off of things. I picked an easy pattern so I wouldn’t mess up, but I am SOOOO sick of the easy pattern! Now I just want to be DONE with this stupid blanket. I have 5 more squares to do and I’m averaging 2-3 squares a night. I’m blocking 9 squares right now so I can start sewing the first two rows together if they’re dry by tomorrow afternoon. The colors on the blanket are really pretty. Oh, I know you don’t really care about those things, but you’re a captive audience right now so you’re stuck listening to me!! LOL I picked light pink, medium pink, kiwi (that’s lime green), and white. Remember how you had a pink door and since you’re colorblind you didn’t know! I thought it was funny that you lived there for three years and no one told you that you had a pink door! Ha, ha, ha….
After I’m done with this blanket, I have 2-3 baby sweaters to do for the new baby and a baby blanket. AND I need to do Isaiah’s dog square and my two commission knits. Since my brain was still gone; I decided to do the simplest project first. One baby sweater is the Five Hour Baby Sweater, but it always takes me about 10 hours to do. Still, I can get that one done in two nights so maybe I can get the blanket AND one of the baby sweaters done this week yet. That would be nice. Are you bored yet? Well, tough! You’re kind of ‘stuck’ with listening to me. J
I was just watching Pawn Stars and they had a really funny part. You would have laughed like crazy at it. If you had been here, I would have called you in and replayed it and we would have laughed. I laughed and then I cried because you weren’t here to show it to. I have so many of these moments every day. I do double-takes and expect to see you in certain situations. Two days ago the neighbor was having their lawn done and I saw a guy on a riding lawn mower and at first I thought it was you and then I remembered again that you were gone. It’s like everything hit me in the gut again and I felt sad again.
I kind of think your friend hit on me yesterday. He called to see how I was doing, but I got a weird vibe from the conversation. It just seems odd because he was always your friend and not mine and we didn’t get together as couples. I talked to a few friends about some of the things he said and they agreed. Some of the things he said just seemed odd, but maybe I was reading him wrong; I don’t know. I think I’ll go with my gut and not meet him for lunch, though.
I miss not going out to dinner with you. That was always our thing to do. We loved talking over dinner and having a good meal. I’m still sad that we didn’t get to go out for our anniversary. The loss of you is heavy in my heart today and every day.
That’s all for now. I love you, your wife, Karyn
No comments:
Post a Comment