March 1, 2012March 1, 2012

March 1, 2012

            Dear Bryan,

It’s been almost 8 months and I still feel as horrible today as I did when I first found out.  I don’t feel one bit better.  I don’t think I’m dealing with things better or coping with things better at all; I just feel horrible.  I’ve started taking melatonin to sleep and at least I can sleep now, but I don’t feel like getting out of bed.  I don’t want to deal with or face life because it just hurts too much.

I don’t feel joy at all and most of the time; I just feel like I’m going through the motions.  It is just so, so, so hard to function.  I’m lonely and I miss you so much and I wish I had someone to sit with at night or someone to come by and visit.  I feel like a boat that lost its oars and rudder and I’m just aimlessly drifting along.  I ‘see’ you everywhere and I picture you walking through the door.  We did so many things together and I still cannot believe that I won’t ever see you again.  I think of you all the time and if I could do anything to get you back; I would.  I still can’t imagine going on without you.  We were on a path together and we had plans and dreams and now I’m stuck at a fork in the road and I don’t know which way to go.  Actually, I think I’m stuck on a roundabout and I just keep going around and around and around…I don’t know how to go on without you.

I hurt all the time.  I don’t see a future without you because this just hurts way too much.  I have to laugh when people say they can tell I’m doing better and I just want to say, “Oh, yeah?” because everything just sucks and I don’t see or feel any joy in life.  This is the toughest, hardest road I’ve ever been down and everything is just so, so, so hard.  I can barely get out to run errands and I don’t feel like I get anything done.  I hate this all so much.

      If you were here, you would probably be very stressed out right now.  Your brother, Bernie, 
and sister-in-law, Margie, were in a horrible car accident in Florida on January 29 of this year.  
 Margie is still in a coma and Bernie will be in a back brace for 10-12 weeks.  I’m kind of wondering how Shirley is doing at the nursery all by herself.  She had to do roses this year without you and I can’t help but wonder how she did; if the machines broke down and who ran the loader.  Maybe she’s enjoying it because she can be the Queen Bee and be totally in charge.  Shirley likes being in charge of things.

I wonder if you’re holding on to Moriah and if you’ve met the two little ones we lost.  Do they have cars that need to be repaired in Heaven?  And do you have your pole barn now?  Isaiah misses you so much and every time I think of how much he misses and loves you; I cry.  He’s the saddest little boy ever and it breaks my heart to see him cry for you.  He throws pennies in fountains and wishes that his Daddy can be alive again and he prays to God to make you alive.  I don’t think I will ever ‘get’ why my little boy can’t have the Daddy that he loved so much.  He doesn’t have anyone to be his Daddy now and it’s the saddest thing in the world.  It amazes me that you did so much for your family and your brother, Bruce, and yet he’s never called me once to see if he could do anything to help me or the kids out.  It makes me incredibly sad.  I guess the ‘helpful road’ only went one way.

Amazingly enough Solomon has really stepped up to the plate and he’s done a lot with Isaiah.  I dropped the kids off at Gilda’s Club this week and Isaiah’s class talked about their support person and he made a little Solomon doll.  He put an ‘S’ on the back of the doll’s head.  I thought it was really cute.  He said Solomon was his support person because he ‘played with him.’  Oh, to be little and have your world be that simple again.  I’m so sad that I don’t think anyone wants to ‘play with’ me.  Heck, I don’t even like being around me!  I’m no fun at all.

I also don’t understand how so many people just think I am or should be okay now.   I don’t know how to go on from here.  I cry myself to sleep every night and the pain inside is so awful that I don’t know how everyone can’t see it.  Sometimes I feel like I might explode from how awful I feel.  I think about all of the things we did together and the plans we had for the future.  It was OUR house and OUR lives and OUR future and now it’s just me and that’s incredibly sad to me.

I remember how you looked when we got married.  We were on the kneeling bench and the minister was praying over us and I couldn’t even look at you because you were crying and I knew if I looked at you; I would cry, too.  I knew when I married you that I was getting a good guy and even though we went through some tough times; you were always my guy and I loved you so much.  You made me laugh when things were awful.  I remember sitting in the doctor’s office after she had told us the baby didn’t have a heart beat and you said something that made me laugh.  You always had a way of making me feel better; even when you didn’t understand.

I have so few regrets on our time together because most of it was good.  Even when you were annoyed with me; you treated me with respect and you didn’t ‘play dirty’ or name call.  I liked that about you so much.  I miss talking to you so, so much.  I feel like a part of me is missing without you here.  How does one go one without a part of themselves?  Honestly, it surprises me how lost I am without you here.  When a person is with someone else for so long, they just depend on that person and sometimes take them for granted.  Although, I don’t think I’ve ever taken you for granted, I didn’t realize how much of my life with intermeshed with yours.  I miss you more than I ever thought I would.

You know how I always told you to marry again if I died?  I also always told you that I would probably get married again.  Well, I can’t imagine my life with anyone else.  I see you in my head all the time and I hear your voice.  I miss you every day, all day long, in a way that I never imagined.  The pain is worse and greater than I could have ever thought it could be.  This is all so final, so sudden, so awful, so wrong.  How can I be without my best friend?  I thought we would have the rest of our lives together and I wasn’t prepared for your loss. 

There are so many things I need to figure out by myself now and it’s all so very overwhelming.  I still haven’t gotten an oil change.  I still run out of toilet paper and garbage tags and I’m glad the snow wasn’t too bad this year because the driveway doesn’t get shoveled as good as when you were here.  We still have leaves on the ground in the yard, too.  You NEVER would have put up with that at all.  You kept the yard looking nice.  I just don’t even know where to begin now.  Life is just so tough right now.

And, since it’s bedtime, I should say good-night.  I love you,

Karyn

September 7, 2011

September 7, 2011

            Dear Bryan,

            Life has been busy since Tabitha was born.  She was born one week and two days ago.  Her full name is Tabitha Bryanna Rose deWit and she’s beautiful.  I really wish you could be here to see her because I know you would love her.  And, as expected, some family has already given me flack about adopting her.
        SANITIZED
I could just cry right now.  I wish you were here to talk to about it because I know you would understand.  You would tell me that it’s okay and that you loved me and that we were doing the right thing.  You were always right there with me in the corner.  ::SIGH::  This is all so hard and I’m tired of trying to fight for things that I shouldn’t have to fight for.  You would totally get where I’m coming from and you would know how bad I felt.  Or if you didn’t know how bad I felt, you would at least hold my hand or hug me and tell me it was going to be okay.    
         SANITIZED

Oh, Bryan, you would have understood my dismay and my sadness and my tears; why did you have to leave?  I wish you could come back to us because we all miss you so much!  You were my sexy guy and I need you so much.  

I have something exciting to tell you; my Mom brought over a smaller bike for Isaiah and he looked at it and said, “I think I can ride that without training wheels” and he jumped on it and rode it!  He was SO proud of himself!  Once again, it made me wish you were here because you would have loved it.  You would have watched him and said something like, “Way to go, Punk!”  Of course, he had to ride the bike most of that night and he rode it today when he got home from school, too.  He’s such a cute little kid.

Isaiah started first grade yesterday.  He still kept saying that he didn’t want to go to first grade and he wanted to be homeschooled, but I think by that he meant he wanted to watch t.v. all day and play.  LOL  I was really sad because there was a little girl at the bus stop who was starting Kindergarten and her brother who was starting third grade and their Dad stopped by to see them off.  His little girl said, “Daddy” and ran over to her Dad and he picked her up and hugged her and hugged her over again.  It made me so sad because Isaiah won’t ever be able to hug you like that again.  I know he still has me, but he loved his Daddy so much and it makes me wonder again why you had to leave us. 

Anyway, I asked Isaiah what he liked about first grade and he told me recess!  He was impressed that he got TWO recesses a day now instead of one like he got in Kindergarten; he’s such a funny kid.  I love that little boy so much, when he’s not being annoying, that is.  LOL  He also told me he likes sleeping in his clothes because then he doesn’t have to change his clothes in the morning; he just needs to put clean socks on!  The boy cracks me up so much.  I woke him up today for school and he told me he was tired and he wanted to sleep more.  I told him that he had to get up and he accused me of taking his socks when he had left them downstairs the night before!  THEN he told me he had a stomach ache and he wanted to stay home.  I again told him he had to get up and he said he would get up, but he wasn’t going to get on the bus.  LOL  I was laughing inside so much as he was doing his ‘antics’.  Then he asked if he could ride his bike while he was waiting for the bus and I said ‘yes’.  Once the bus came, he got right on it so I guess he forgot about his stomach ache.  Ha, ha, ha….

I SO wish you were here so I could tell you funny stories like that because you enjoyed them so much.  You also ‘got’ my sense of humor and you had the same wicked sense of humor.  D was telling me about one time she was going to kill herself in her garage with her dog and she called her counselor from the garage and told him about it.  He told her to go in the house and call him back so he knew she was okay.  She said she came to her senses and went in the house, but she forgot to call him.  Then she told me that there was a knock at her door about 10 or 15 minutes later and someone was looking through her windows.  D said it was the police looking for a dead body.  I asked her if she laid down on the floor really still to freak them out and she didn’t laugh at all.  YOU would have cracked up like crazy at that one.  I wouldn’t have had to explain it to you at all.  Once again, it just made me totally sad that I didn’t have anyone to laugh with about the little things in life like that.  D didn't even really GET my humor in the situation at all.

We’ve been going to Gilda’s Club lately.  It makes me sad, but it’s good to be with other people who ‘get’ it.  I talked about S tonight and how she’s holding your things hostage.  Once we find a lawyer who can help us out with the trust stuff, I’m going to ask them to send her a letter saying I want my things back.  I don’t care if she gets pissed; I am sick of her holding things over my head.  It’s not right for her to say she’s not giving back the Sirrius radio and CB and inverter unless I give the generator back. 

I don’t care if I need to PAY the lawyer to get them back; she’s pissed me off too much to back down at this point.  I guess I just need to ‘channel my inner bitch’ now and take her on.  Speaking of that, Matt came over tonight and said there was only one thing of Bruce’s that you had and he’s going to bring it back to Shirley.  He SAID he would call her tomorrow so I hope he does.  I don’t want Shirley or ANYONE pawing through your things and I’m not going to allow her over here at all.  I don’t trust her one bit.  I asked her to write me up a list of what you supposedly had that was Bruce’s and she hasn’t done it yet.  I just wish someone would man up and take on the bitch because she NEEDS to be taken down a few pegs.  I suppose I shouldn’t talk about your sister like that, but if you don’t like it; you should just come back and tell me so!  :)

I asked Jenn and Jaki if they could talk to Shirley to get the things she’s holding hostage and neither one of them were willing to talk to her.  They both said it wasn’t any of their business.  It frustrates me that NO ONE will take Shirley on at all and they just allow her to continue pushing people around and taking advantage of them.  Do you remember me telling you how many family owned businesses fail in the third generation and you said you were going to retire before the business went under?  Well, I guess you DID retire, but not in the way we thought you would.  I reminded Jenn of the conversation you had with her about retiring and how she said she might retire first.  I guess you really did beat her to retiring first.  I wish you wouldn’t have, though!  Oh, for those reading along who are wondering how many businesses fail in the third generation only 12% succeed so you do the math.  Oh, and only FOUR PERCENT last into the 4^th generation.  I find those figures staggering.  And the biggest reason why businesses fail is because the 3^rd generation is GIVEN the businesses and they don’t have to work for it.  I think we can all agree that that is the case with Nick and Amy.  There is SO much dead wood at the business that it’s not even funny.   It makes me really glad that when the trust isn’t tied to how well the nursery is doing.  Well, that is when it finally gets settled and done with; it seems like it’s going to take FOREVER to get started at this point.   

Kathi and I met with a lawyer on Tuesday to see if she could help us get things rolling with the Trust and the lawyer who wrote up the will.  We keep asking him for things and he ‘hasn’t been able to put his hands on them’; it annoys me to death.  I think he’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t WANT us to have the paperwork on the lease payments.  I’m pushing for those to get paid out and I don’t really CARE if I have to sue the nursery to get them, either.  Anyway, the lawyer couldn’t help us, but she’s going to call around and see if she can find a lawyer who CAN help us.  And she said she could write up a will for me when I get to that point.  I just need to figure out what to do about the house and who would be guardians for the minor children.  Tiffany is out and Elisha and Solomon aren’t old enough or mature enough to do it.  I wish I knew what I should do about things like that; this is all so much to deal with.

Kathi and I met with a lawyer on Tuesday to see if she could help us get things rolling with the Trust and the lawyer who wrote up the will.  We keep asking him for things and he ‘hasn’t been able to put his hands on them’; it annoys me to death.  I think he’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t WANT us to have the paperwork on the lease payments.  I’m pushing for those to get paid out and I don’t really CARE if I have to sue the nursery to get them, either.  Anyway, the lawyer couldn’t help us, but she’s going to call around and see if she can find a lawyer who CAN help us.  And she said she could write up a will for me when I get to that point.  I just need to figure out what to do about the house and who would be guardians for the minor children.  Tiffany is out and Elisha and Solomon aren’t old enough or mature enough to do it.  I wish I knew what I should do about things like that; this is all so much to deal with.

Kathi and I met with a lawyer on Tuesday to see if she could help us get things rolling with the Trust and the lawyer who wrote up the will.  We keep asking him for things and he ‘hasn’t been able to put his hands on them’; it annoys me to death.  I think he’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t WANT us to have the paperwork on the lease payments.  I’m pushing for those to get paid out and I don’t really CARE if I have to sue the nursery to get them, either.  Anyway, the lawyer couldn’t help us, but she’s going to call around and see if she can find a lawyer who CAN help us.  And she said she could write up a will for me when I get to that point.  I just need to figure out what to do about the house and who would be guardians for the minor children.  Tiffany is out and Elisha and Solomon aren’t old enough or mature enough to do it.  I wish I knew what I should do about things like that; this is all so much to deal with.

Eventually, I need to figure out what to put on your gravestone, too.  It might take me a while to figure it out because it’s a BIG decision.  I also need to be getting a little bit more money before I get it because I need to pay for the cemetery plot first.  Everything is so.darn.expensive.  I couldn’t believe how expensive baby swings are so I haven’t gotten the one I want for Tabitha yet.  I need to make sure all of the bills are paid and on time first and then figure out how much money I’ll be getting every month.  I’m kind of worried about bills, but I’m trying really hard NOT to be.  I don’t think you ever thought you would be leaving me to deal with all of this stuff, either.  It just amazes me how many little details I’ve had to deal with.

Although there is nothing good about you being gone, I have had some wonderful ‘silver linings’ and some helpful people; for lack of a better way to put it.  Kathi has been SO helpful and I don’t know what I would do without her.  And my Rav family has been so awesome that I can’t even put into words how awesome they are.  I’m not sure if I told you yet that they had an on-line auction for me.  I love them so much and I wake up every day and thank God for them.  They are so awesome and I can’t thank them enough for what they did.  The money enabled me to pay for three months of insurance so the baby would be covered at birth and the hospital bills would be covered.  It has been so wonderful to know that they love me so much.  It’s also great to know that there are wonderful people in this world who care about others so much.  I know that probably sounds like I’m going overboard, but I’m really not because I get all teary eyed and choked up when I think about them and all they did for me.    

I think that’s enough for now, I love you.

Your wife, Karyn       

September 3, 2011

September 3, 2011

            Dear Bryan,

            I don’t understand why some people think I should just be okay and that things shouldn’t bother me.  How CAN I just be okay when I’ve lost my best friend in the whole world and my world is shattered into two?  I lost so much; the kids lost so much; and life is totally different.  But I’m just supposed to let pieces and parts of you go and go on with my life like nothing ever happened.  How do I erase someone from my life that I loved so much?  How do I just cut you out of my life?  And why don’t people understand that to let go of pieces of you is like cutting out my heart?

            I am seriously SO annoyed with everyone right now.  I want to sit in the corner and cry because I’m NOT okay and yet I’m expected to be okay.  I’m expected to do things like nothing is wrong.  “Oh, just make that phone call; it’s no big deal.”  Yeah, it IS a big deal.  Most days suck, most days I get up and my chest hurts and I miss you so darn much so I need to take advantage of my good days to get the things done that I can on those days.  I am OVERWHELMED and yet I’m just supposed to suck it up.  I’m sad and devastated and overwhelmed, but it’s just okay and I should carry on like nothing happened.

            I look at people laughing and carrying on and I just can’t relate.  It’s like my heart is ripped out.  We were two plants and our roots were growing together and they were intertwined and not your roots were ripped out and mine were ripped out with yours.  How CAN I be okay when my roots are ripped and bleeding?  And why don’t some people get it?  Why can’t they see how badly I feel and why do they just expect me to be able to accomplish things like I did before?

            Oh, and just so you know; your sister ‘S’ is a total ass.  I had to call her the other day and she asked how I was and I said ‘not very good’ and she actually asked me why!  I said, “I lost my husband” and she said, “Oh, Karyn, you need to get over that.”  So, in 6 weeks I’m supposed to get over you?  I just can’t do that.  I see you everywhere and I hear your voice in my head and I can picture you walking through the door.  Losing you was like losing a part of myself.  I never thought I could miss someone so darn much.  You honestly were my very best friend.  I’m so glad that I told you all the time how much I loved you.  I am officially NOT talking to ‘S’.  Oh, and she’s holding some of your things hostage because she thinks I have some of her husband’s tools.  I don’t think so and Matt is going to come over and look through the tools to doublecheck.  I am seriously trying NOT to hate this woman.  For your sister that you worked with all of your adult life to tell me to get over your death in SIX WEEKS just amazed me.  It also totally pisses me off.  I want to smack her.  I guess it also tells me a lot about what type of person she is.

            I just feel bad, bad, bad today.  I don’t feel like I rate at all.  Oh, and I can’t complain because people are helping me out and I shouldn’t expect it.  I guess I will just do what I can and go on from there.    I just feel like I can’t depend on anyone and I can’t complain about it because people are doing things out of the kindness of their hearts.  I’m just sad.  You’re not here to see the new baby and you’re not here to tell me that I shouldn’t feel bad about ‘S’ and you’re not here to tell me that it’s okay that certain people don’t understand how sad I am.  Of course, if you were here, I wouldn’t be sad so that’s kind of a moot point, but you know what I mean. 

            I just wish people could understand how bad I feel, but maybe they would have to lose their spouse to do that and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone because it’s a lot more painful than I ever thought it would be.  I never knew someone could feel this bad and still be walking around and talking.  I just feel SO awful!  The past few days I haven’t even been able to knit and I think the dumbest things, too.  I’ve been thinking things like this:  1) I’ve had my cat, Lacey, longer than I had you. 2) I never knitted anything for you.  It doesn’t matter that you didn’t WANT any knitted item; it still makes me very sad that I never knitted anything for you. 

            I think more things than that, but those are the two top things that really upset me.  Maybe they sound like dumb things, but they really bother me.  Stupid things bother me now.  I had to buy paper towel for the first time since you died and you used to buy the paper towels because you were always cleaning up your car and I almost cried when I was buying it.  Solomon was with me and he kept telling me it was okay.  When we got home, I told Solomon that you needed to come back because I missed you too much and he said you were afraid to come back because I would yell at you for being gone too long!  That made me laugh.  Sometimes Solomon can be quite funny.

            Solomon has been trying to do things with Isaiah because he knows how sad Isaiah is about you dying.  He takes him out to swing on the swings or he takes him for a bike ride and things like that.  It makes me sad that he is the one who is doing these things with Isaiah because you should be here to do them.  And I know Solomon wouldn’t be living here if you were.  He is trying and he is pitching in to watch Isaiah, but the whole thing is just so, so sad to me.  Heck, everything is sad to me.  It’s sad when I go places and I’m around people who know and they act like everything is okay.  How CAN it be okay when you’re not here?  How can I be okay when you’re not here?  And why do they expect me to be okay without you around?  It boggles my mind.

            I brought Isaiah, Mike, and Tabitha to Sandy Pines today.  I was feeling guilty that the poor little kid had had such an awful summer since his Dad died on 7/8/2011. I can just see the kids going back to school and on the "What did you do this summer page" they can write, "My Dad died." The grieving has taken up most of their summer and it sucks!  I was planning on taking the kids to the Frederick Meijer gardens and the zoo and some other fun things and we didn’t do any of them.
            SANITIZED VERSION - PARTS OMITTED

I guess I should be grateful for what help I have gotten and I guess I’m sounding very ungrateful right now so I’ll stop writing because I’ll probably just tick people off.  Karyn probably just needs to stop whining and to stop feeling sorry for herself.  Maybe I’ll write more later on.

            Karyn who is a sad, sad person right now.     

August 25, 2011

August 25, 2011

            Dear Bryan,

            You know how you did Isaiah’s training wheels so he could ride his bike better?  Well, he never rode the bike because they scared him too much.  So, Steve came over and worked on them.  They still weren’t right so he came over again and lowered them and put braces on them so that it would be just a little bit of balancing for Isaiah when he rode the bike.  I think part of his fear is due to the fact that the bike is a little bit big for him yet and he can’t touch the ground when he’s riding the bike.  Now that the training wheels are better for him, he actually rides the bike, but he feels like he’s starting to tip; he just jumps off the bike because he doesn’t want to fall!  He’s such a nut!  He totally cracks me up.  Then, a few days ago, he wanted me to go around the block with him and I had to run to keep up with him and he kept telling me to run faster.  LOL  He could ride pretty fast so I couldn’t keep up with him so he kept stopping and waiting for me to catch up to him.  He is having lots of fun riding his bike now so maybe next year he’ll actually be able to balance it better and ride it without training wheels.

            I got behind due to doing things with the kids so I’ll just finish this now.  I love you,       Karyn     

August 24, 2011

August 24, 2011

            Dear Bryan,

            I promised you a funny story so I guess I should tell you it, huh?  Isaiah was painting in your room one morning and he painted his stomach red.  I kept asking him what happened and he wouldn’t tell me.  That same day I had to bring Mike to the dentist and we were asking him what happened.  He kept saying it was an accident and Mikeala asked him if he was painting and then FELL on the picture.  He said, “Yes, that’s what happened, my feet aren’t always that stable.”  LMAO!  He is such a crazy little kid.  He also made Mike sit in the back seat because Dida, his imaginary friend, was sitting in the car with him.  So then Mike asked him where the picture was because it had to be a big picture to get that much paint on himself.  Isaiah then answered that he had given the picture to Dida and she had taken it home with her so he couldn’t show it to us!!

            Mikeala and I laughed and laughed over that one.  Sometimes he comes up with the funniest things.  I wish I could call you up and share them with you.  I will always try my hardest to raise him knowing who his Father is.  All of your children miss you so much.  Mike is getting ready to have the baby and she keeps having contractions.  She was whining like crazy about them tonight.  I told her she needs to wait another week to have the baby because I’m not done with her baby blanket yet!  I told her to cross her legs.  Ha, ha, ha…

            And here is my other funny story.  Remember how we went down the toll road in Colorado and then there was no one to pay and we were wondering why there wasn’t.  We thought maybe it was a new road and so it wasn’t up and running yet.  Well, the other day I got a bill in the mail for $3.00 for using that toll road!  I thought it was hilarious…And it said, “Do not send cash.”  LMAO again!  You and I would have laughed and laughed over that one.  So, I had to use a stamp to send out a $3.00 check for using a toll road a month earlier.  Oh, and if I didn’t pay it right away; I would have had to pay $5.00!   I’m still kind of chuckling over that one.  I miss telling you the funny stories that happen in my day like that.

            You know this story, but everyone else doesn’t so you can just listen while I’m telling the story.  While we were on vacation at Mark and Jenn’s house Freya got used to Isaiah being there and throwing her ball for her.  So, she came up one morning and he was still wearing his pajamas and he wanted to change and he insisted that Freya had to leave the room.  You asked why and Isaiah said, “Because she’s a girl and I’m a boy.”  LOL  You kind of chuckled and said, “But Mom is a girl” and Isaiah answered, “She’s my MOM” in an indignant tone.  It was too cute.

            But, see, this is all a double-edge sword because the cute things about Isaiah are sad, too, because you’re not here to share them with.  It’s a sad, sad thing to lose one’s father at such a young age.  He’s never even lost his first tooth or learned to ride a two wheeled bike and yet he’s lost his Father.  That is just unfathomable to me.  No little boy should be without his Dad at such a young age.

            Isaiah told me that if it made me too sad to go to the cemetery I didn’t have to go.  I told him it might take me a while to take him there, but I would take him.  I just told him that everything reminded me of Daddy.  So, the literal little boy said, “Does the t.v. remind you of Dad?  Does the picture of that car remind you of Dad?” and he went on and on.  Mr. One Track Mind can be pretty funny at times. 

For some reason, he really, really wants to go to the cemetery and put a flower on your grave.  He has a flower for me to put on your grave, too.  I’m not sure what he thinks your grave at the cemetery is going to look like, but I’m going to try to bring him there tomorrow.  He wants to go so badly so maybe it will make him feel a little better.  He likes to light the ‘Dad Candle’ and it seems to make him feel a little bit better when he lights it.  Of course, right now nothing really makes him feel better because he just misses you so much!  I wish you could come back and play with him again.

That’s all I have for now.

I love you, Karyn

August 22, 2011

August 22, 2011

            Dear Bryan,

            This is all horrible; nothing about this is good at all.  I miss you so much that at times I can’t even breathe.  We needed so many more years together; we didn’t have long enough at all.  Two nights ago I dreamed about you; you came back and you were alive again.  I asked you how you could do that and you said that sometimes these things happened.  I said you were gone for 6 weeks and you said that was okay; you were here now.  I hugged you and cried and cried and you hugged me back.  Mom and Dad were there and they just kept crying, too.  We were all so happy!

            You asked what had happened while you were gone and you wanted to know when you could go back to work.  I told you that you couldn’t go back to work because we had your death certificate and you said you would just get that changed.  You asked about finances and bills and how I was affording things and then Isaiah saw you and he was so happy.  We just hugged you and hugged you.  I was sad all day when I woke up.  This is the worst pain that I’ve ever felt in my whole life.  Your loss has left the biggest hole in my heart.  I feel like I’m a china vase and if I’m not handled carefully; I will shatter into a million pieces.  Everything is so hard and it takes me forever to get anything done.

            Isaiah wants to go to the cemetery and put a flower on your grave.  THAT thought makes me incredibly sad, but he is very insistent so I don’t think I will be able to talk him out of it.  He’s a very determined little boy and he doesn’t give up on things easily.  ::SIGH::  It will make me very, very sad to go to the cemetery.

            So, since I’ve been traveling this road for a while I have some suggestions for people as to what to do when someone has suffered a loss.  Everything is so difficult for them so anything you do to help them is greatly appreciated.  And believe me; a lot of the widows or widowers won’t ask for help.  I know I have a hard time asking for help.

            1)  Call the person up who lost their loved one just to check in with them.  Call them months later because they're still grieving and feeling horrible.

2)  Offer to take their kids out for an afternoon, morning, evening, whatever.  I wasn't prepared for how needy and clingy my 6 year-old has become.  I'm still not and he's driving me crazy.

3)  Bring them a meal.  Tonight was the first night I actually MADE something since Bryan died and it was just grilled cheese sandwiches.  If you can't bring a meal, maybe you can arrange with other friends, family of the person to bring meals.  My sister's son's soccer coach died suddenly and someone set up a list on Facebook and she has meals arranged for the next two months.  I think that's just awesome.  If you can't bring a meal and have extra time, maybe you can offer to shop for them.  I can barely THINK of what to buy let alone grocery shop.  I went grocery shopping yesterday and I forgot half of the things we need!  It's awful!

4)  Call the person up and don't just ask them what you can help them with, but make suggestions.  Maybe offer to clean their house (I would LOVE this!) or help fold laundry or look into services for them.  My sister not only looked into services at Gilda's Club for me and the kids, but she went with me.  I don't think I could have gone on my own.  I wouldn't have signed up on my own.  Be prepared for the person to say 'no' that they don't need anything, but if you assure them that you DO want to do something; they will (or might) eventually tell you what they need help with.  Heck, I've never trimmed bushes or mowed my lawn since I've been married and I don't have a CLUE how to go about it!  I've also never gotten the oil changed in my van.  I'm just extremely overwhelmed by everything.

And someone on a Widow’s bulletin board I belong to wrote a wonderful piece about losing one’s spouse.  I’m reprinting it with his permission.  It really struck me because he’s totally right; most people DON’T get it and they think we should be ‘over’ our pain and loss within a few months.  This pain is so great that I have difficulty breathing.  I lost my best friend, my partner in love, my lover, the person that I loved more than anyone in the world.  I still see him everywhere.  I hear his voice and I dream about him all the time.  I want my husband back more than anything and nothing I do will bring him back.  I can’t ‘fix it’ for my kids and I can’t ‘fix it’ for me.  This is the biggest, greatest pain that I have ever felt.  I have to try to breathe most days and it’s an effort to do anything at all.  I totally understand couples who die within hours or days from each other now.  Honestly, if it wasn’t for my kids I would stay in bed all day and mourn my husband’s loss.

Well, here is the essay:

Unique and Devastating Loss
With the death of our spouse we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced.  The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.  Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens. and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.  And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours.

Oh, Bryan, I love you so much.  If wishing could bring you back, you would be here now.  Isaiah threw pennies in the wishing well at Gilda’s Club and he told me later that he wished his Daddy would come back.  What 6 year-old should have to wish that?  It just about broke my heart when he told me that.  He’s just a little boy that loved his Father dearly.  We all loved you and we want you here, on earth, with your family.  That’s where you belong.  Can you look down and see us?  Do you see our hearts breaking?  Do you know how much we miss you and how much you were loved?  I see you everywhere; Isaiah sees you everywhere and we all want you back.

That’s all for tonight.  I love you so much.

Your wife, Karyn

August 19, 2011

August 19, 2011

            Bryan,

            I’m doing as badly now as I was when I first found out.  This just sucks; it totally sucks.  I feel like I’m bleeding on the inside and I hurt all the time.  And to make matters worse; the little boy is a whiny little kid and he’s making me CRAZY!  He whines about everything now.  You need to come back and help me with the kid because I can’t handle him.  I’ve always hated whiny kids and now I have one!  I know it’s because he’s just sad, but the acting out is just really too much for me.  Honestly, his whining is making ME crabby!  It kind of makes me want to stab someone with my DPNs.  For those who don’t know, DPNs means double pointed needles.  The bamboo ones can really hurt.  LOL  Tiffany was contemplating stabbing someone with them on Saturday, but first she would need to GET some DPNs.  LOL

            I’m also wondering what I did wrong to get such a selfish son.  Elisha just doesn’t care about anyone except himself.  That disappoints me a lot.  He was over this week and wondered why Isaiah was so whiny.  I just looked at him and said, “His Dad DIED; how do you think he’s going to be acting?!”  Sheesh…And then today he texted me rude things about needing to get his FASFA done NOW and didn’t I care about him.  So, as Tiffany always says, his lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part.  It makes me mad that he just expects me to be there for him and do things for him when I’m having an AWFUL time just getting up in the morning and showering and dealing with the kids.  Elisha was SUPPOSED to have done his FASFA in the springtime so because he waited until NOW to do it; that supposedly means I don’t care about whether or not he goes to college next week?  Incredible…

            And then today he told me to ‘cheer up’ and that I shouldn’t be sad!  Gahhh….does he not understand the grieving process?  How can the kid not understand what it’s like to lose a piece of one’s heart?  To say I’m incredibly disappointed in him is a vast understatement.  I always thought of him as an awesome kid, but I’m so upset about him basically not caring about my sadness and sorrow right now. 

            So, Tiffany said she liked it when I mentioned her in my blog so I’ll tell you what she said to me the other day.  Ha, ha, ha…Actually, I can’t because this is a public blog, but I would tell you if I was on the phone with you.  Let’s just say that Tiffany texted me something REALLY funny and REALLY unlike her and it kind of made me gasp and then it made me laugh.  Don’t tell Tiffany that I thought it was funny, though, because I had to act outraged by it.  I don’t want her to get a big head and then she’ll think she’s the ‘good kid’.  Well, she IS mostly good except she doesn’t come to visit me enough.  I think she should come and see her Momma more often.

            Mike is getting ready to have the baby.  I paid the lawyer a deposit and she went to go and see the birth Dad in prison, AKA the sperm donor, who won’t be eligible for release for AT LEAST 8 years and he didn’t sign the forms to terminate his rights.  The lawyer said he acted surprised and mentioned something about thinking his Mom was going to get the baby.  Yeah, THAT’S not going to happen.  Now the lawyer needs to send the paperwork to the prison because she couldn’t just leave it with him and maybe he’ll sign off on his rights.  If he won’t sign off his rights, then Mike can sign guardianship papers and then we can go to court in a year or so to get his rights terminated.  Since the boy got 8-20 years and his EARLIEST out date is 8 years; I can’t see any judge not terminating his rights.  I hope the social security stuff goes through soon because who knows how long all of this will take.  ::SIGH::  I don’t need all of this crap on top of everything that I’m already dealing with.  L

            I just want you back; why can’t you come back?  You’ve been gone too long.  Isaiah walks around saying he misses you and he is so, so sad.  Today he went and got a suitcase and he started filling it with things that remind him of you.  It made me so sad that he was doing that.  He’s filling it with ‘Daddy Memories’.  It was the saddest thing ever.  How does one comfort a 6 year-old boy who has lost his Father and who loved his Father so much.  I can’t be Mom and Dad and this totally isn’t fair.  I’m just stuck, stuck, stuck…This all just sucks so much.  I loved you so much and I want you back to hug you and hold you and never let you go.  I see your smiling face everywhere and I hear your laugh and I want to call you up and share things with you and I can’t call you up and tell them to you and that sucks, too!

            So, yesterday I got something strange in the mail and you would have laughed like crazy at it.  Since I need to go now; I’ll tell you about it later.

            Love, your wife, Karyn