July 30, 2011

July 30, 2011

            Hi Bryan,

            I wake up every day and feel sad.  I think that’s because I called you in the morning when I woke up.  I miss talking to you a lot.  I miss telling you about my day and you telling me about your day.  I miss not hearing from you and I miss seeing your smile and hearing you joke with me.  I miss telling you the funny things that the kids do.

            Isaiah decided he was going to clean up the playroom.  He didn’t do a bad job of it, but he does tend to keep too much junk.  He’s a little packrat!  He came home with lots of junk from Sandy Pines.  I guess he and my Dad went to EVERY dumpster there!  Oh, boy.  I wonder if I can throw some of it out when he’s not looking.  He probably wouldn’t notice.

            After he was done with the playroom I took him to the yarn store to get him ‘dog yarn’.  For those who don’t know, ‘dog yarn’ is yarn that’s a dark enough brown to make a dog square for my son.  He wants a pillow like Tiffany has and it’s going to make his fish on one side and his dog on the other side.  The fish square is done so we just needed yarn to make the dog square.  He found what color yarn he wanted almost right away and he expected me to just leave right after I was done with finding his ‘dog yarn’.  LOL  He’s such a silly kid.  I had a 20% off coupon so we needed to go today since it was the last day of the sale.  And OF COURSE I needed more yarn.  You understand that one, don’t you?

            After the yarn store, I brought him to the record store next to Grand Villa.  They fix record players so we brought the non-working Fisher Price record player there to get fixed.  The man said they could take a look at it while we were there so we browsed some.  They ended up not being able to fix the record player, but they had a working Fisher Price record player there so I bought that one.  I also bought Isaiah 6 records from their dollar bin.  I hope he likes them.  And, of course, I didn’t get him any country music records!  Ha, ha, ha….I need to train the kid right.

            The man at the record store told me how many of the parts in the record player were molded and that you can’t really replace parts for the record player.  Of course, Isaiah had to act like he knew everything and he told them how Daddy and Uncle Steve tried to fix the record players and couldn’t do it.  He’s such a nut.  The guy had to use special tools to even get the record player apart.

            I think you would have liked the record store a lot.  It had tons and tons of records.  And they even had a Wurleitzer juke box.  I think you would have loved that a lot.  If it was affordable, it probably would have ended up in the living room with all of the other antiques you put in there.  It didn’t come with any records, though, and it looked like it needed work.  Isaiah saw it right away and said, “Oh, Daddy would like that!”  LOL  And he was right; you would have. 

            Now Isaiah is being a pain in the butt because I took his television away due to him not listening and banging his fist on the back screen.  He’s being a little bit bossy and demanding lately.  I’m getting rather tired of it.  He’s already gotten to sit in time out once today and he’s darn close to having to sit there a second time.  Most of the time, he’s a pretty good kid, but he’s pushing it a little bit today!

            Saturdays are a hard day for me.  Every day is hard, but Saturday is especially tough because you were always home on Saturdays for at least part of the day and you almost always went to ‘the lot’.  You should be at the lot right now with a few of the kids and it’s just incredibly sad to me that you’re not.  They miss you, too.  I think I will have to try to keep busy on Saturdays so I don’t think about how sad I am that you’re not here.

            I’m also worried that everyone is going to expect me to just be over you in a certain amount of time.  I already heard the one year thing from the Tiffany.  I don’t think I will be over any of this in a year.  Every day is hard and it surprises me that people think that I will just ‘be over’ you any time soon.  Right now, I’m holding you close to my heart.  I think of you almost every single moment of every single day.  I’m trying to hold it together for the kids, though.  I can’t just stay in bed all day long, but I would like to.  It wouldn’t be fair for the kids to lose their Dad and then lose their Mom, too.  I really don’t feel like getting out of bed or acting like I’m okay or smiling.  I am devastated and inside I’m crying.

            I’m off to bed now.  I really wish you were here because I miss you so much!

            Love, your wife, Karyn