Memories of my husband

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

July 19, 2011 3:30 a.m.

I’m kind of thinking if I keep writing like; this will be a book. I guess that’s okay, but I wonder who will want to read it. You know, I keep talking about how much I love you and so maybe I should clarify some things. Love isn’t having that gushy feeling every single day because that’s just not sustainable for the long haul. Love is commitment and love is deciding you want to be with the other person even when things are tough. One doesn’t fall out of love; one loses the commitment to the other person. I was just telling my sister-in-law, Jenn, that it wasn’t that hard to be with you because we agreed on so many things. When one already agrees on core values, it’s easier to work things out. That said, we did have some difficult times. We worked through the his and hers kid issues and we worked through crazy exes and we worked through not having enough money. We worked through them because we were committed and we were dedicated to each other and we were determined that our marriage would survive the odds and I know it would have.

You were my friend in addition to being my husband and I wanted you to be happy. I didn’t mind you spending time at The Lot because you had so much fun there and you enjoyed spending time with your car friends. When one loves another person, they want that person to be able to do the things that they enjoy. Our relationship was never about controlling the other person; I never wanted to control you, I just wanted to BE with you and for you to want to be with me.

You weren’t the type of guy to write me long love letter and, in fact, you never wrote me a love letter at all except for one very short one. You WERE the type of guy who would stop at Walmart when we were on vacation just to buy me a pint of milk because you knew I liked my milk. And then later on when we were driving and I thanked you for the milk you smiled at me and said, “There just might be another one in the cooler.” THAT was how you said, “I love you.” You went out of your way to show me that I mattered to you and you took the extra time to demonstrate it. That, my friends, is true love. It’s the actions behind the words.

You always told me you loved me before we hung up the phone because you said we never knew what moment might be our last ones. I always kind of scoffed at that reasoning, but in the end, you were right; our time together was too short. I’m glad we told each other that we loved them. It was so good to have a nice, sweet, loving relationship with you after having such a horrible one before. In fact, I’m not sure I would have appreciated YOU and the way you are if I hadn’t of had such a terrible marriage before. I hope our kids saw the love we had for each other and I hope they realize that it’s okay and it’s good to just have a normal relationship with their spouses.

Okay, now I really AM going to bed! I love you so much and I would like to just hold you right now.

Your wife, Karyn

Monday, July 18, 2011

June 18, 2011 Later on that day....

July 18, 2011 Later that day…

Hi Bry,

Let me just say that 3 ½ hours at the social security office is TOO long. And I think being polite should be a prerequisite to working there. This man had NO sense of humor, he didn’t know how to crack a smile at all, and he couldn’t type and answer a question at the same time! It was pathetic. I’m not sure if my headache is due to crying before going or whether it was due to sitting there for so darn long. Oh, and the guy had a VERY lazy eye and Mikeala and I couldn’t tell who he was talking to at times; her or me! LOL And then before we left he told us to have a good day. Yeah, right. I looked at him and said, “I don’t think I will have a good day for a very long time.” He didn’t know WHAT to say to that. I can’t figure out why he was so cold. He could tell that I was young (I’m only 45) and then my husband was a young guy (he was only 51) so why couldn’t he treat me nicer?

Sal stopped by tonight to offer his condolences. He is still really broken up over his wife’s death in January so he was a real downer. You know how Sal is a big, big guy (I would guess he’s at LEAST a 3X); well, he was talking about how he missed sex with his wife and let me just say the mental image was NOT good. I told Solomon about it and he was saying, “Ewwww…” LOL Wasn’t it nice of me to share that with everyone now? You all can thank me later.

Sal said he couldn’t believe you were gone. I can’t either. It still seems unreal to me. I mean, I’m okay for a while if I just think about you being gone in your truck, but when I think about it being for FOREVER then I almost lose it. I watch a show and then can’t remember much of what I watched and I have to watch it again. I think it took me three hours to watch a one hour show yesterday. My brain is just GONE! I’m wondering when the feeling of being overwhelmed and in shock ends because right now it seems to go on all day long.

I’ve been sleeping a little better, but then I wake up and I remember how you’re gone all over again and I have to try to BREATHE again. My chest gets tight and I have this ache inside of me. Mom said Dad has been having chest pains and she has been having trouble sleeping, too. Shirley told me the funeral home told her that it WAS a heart attack. That seems odd to me, too, since you had had an EKG done this spring. How did that not catch anything? How could you die of a heart attack when you were only 51? That’s WAYYY too young to die of a heart attack! I mean, you never had any problems before and we just got back from vacation and you had never complained of any pain the whole time we were gone.

Food still doesn’t sound good at all. I don’t mind that part of the grief process and the weight loss is okay. If I could lose another 20 lbs., I would be happy. Well, as happy as I could be under the circumstances because how can I ever be happy again? My head hurts all day long from crying and I just feel drained all the time. I can’t figure out why this happened at all. Sal said he was mad at God and that he wouldn’t believe his wife was in a better place. Right now; I’m not mad at God and I DO believe you’re in a better place, but I SO wish you were here with me.

I’ve only wanted to call you about 10 times today to tell you things. If I could call you now I would say, “Hey, Bry, Christian and Steve and Isaiah made a fire tonight. I had some things to clean up in the house, but they had a good time.” And then I would tell you about my visit with Sal. In fact, I wanted to call you after he left and tell you how much he missed his wife. We always talked about things like that so it was a normal thought, but then I remembered that you were gone and I couldn’t call you to tell you what Sal said because you’re gone. Gone is SO final! How can you be gone? It’s been 10 days since they told me you were gone. Ten awful days without my guy.

You used to always blush when I said things like, “Is that my sexy guy?” I don’t know why because I always thought you were sexy. I liked your skinny, lanky body and your ‘scrawny’ arms. And I LOVED your voice! I think you had a very sexy voice. I’m not sure why you didn’t ‘get’ how I could find you sexy. I remember how you would put your arm up over your face when the light was too bright at night. I always thought it was cute. And I will miss the snoring that used to drive me crazy. I will also miss how you would sometimes touch my leg at night in your sleep. It’s the little things that I miss a lot about you. I miss you calling me at night to say good night and I miss telling someone about my day.

I would have called you today to tell you that Christian came home and (GASP!) picked up his room without being asked and you and I would have laughed about it. I always liked laughing about things like that with you. We were a good team and you totally ‘got’ my sense of humor. I always loved that about you. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating that we both had awful first marriages and so we needed that laughter with each other even more than we might have. I know I appreciated you a lot more than I would have if I hadn’t of had such a terrible marriage.

Oh, and if one more person tells me that you’re in a better place, I might scream! Does that mean we should kill all of the Christians then? Of course not and we CAN grieve those we love who have died. Jesus himself grieved for Lazarus when he died so WHY do people assume that we should just say, “Oh, Bryan is no longer here and it’s okay.” It’s NOT okay and I AM heartbroken. I honestly want to kick some people because it’s SO annoying to have people keep saying dumb things.

If anyone is reading this, PLEASE don’t say to people that their loved one is in a better place. It is a DUMB thing to say and it isn’t helpful at all! And don’t assume the person is okay because they aren’t bawling their eyes out at the moment; you didn’t see them a half hour ago. I’ve never spent so much time crying before in my life. I’ve never walked around in such a fog and been so ‘spacey’. My brain just doesn’t seem to work well. It’s the strangest feeling/sensation that I’ve ever had and it isn’t one that I want to repeat ever again. Grief and loss are so difficult to understand. How can I understand why God allowed you to die? I don’t think that God was out to get me by allowing you to die, but I certainly would like to know what he was thinking!! I mean, I spent all of those years sitting in church by myself and I spent years praying for the right man to come into my life and I found him; I found you and now you’re gone and your absence in my life is pretty large.

I feel like trying to fill the void that you’ve left in my life is like throwing little pebbles into the ocean. It would take forever for those pebbles to do anything at all to the ocean. You being gone means that my heart is ripped out. YOU had my heart and now it’s broken. How can a broken heart be better than a whole one? And how can my broken heart ever become whole again? I don’t know if it WILL ever be repaired again. And how can I effectively parent our children when my heart is broken? I don’t know how I will do it, but I will do the best job I can because to NOT do so would be not respecting your memory and what you stood for as a father.

Man, I’m tired. I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Some nights it’s really hard to sleep. I lay there for a very long time before I finally fall asleep and then my dreams are tormented and tortured. I keep imagining where you are and what you’re doing right now and I know that what you’re seeing is too awesome and incredible for me to even picture. If you had known that you would die at such a young age, would you have done some things differently? Would you have watched less t.v. or worked less? Would you have spent more time in church or prayed more? I’m not sure what I would have done if I had known that I would have only had 12 years with you. How does one prepare for something like that? I don’t think I COULD have prepared for it. How does one prepare to lose their soulmate and best friend? It would have been too hard to do so I’m glad I didn’t know.

Well, hon, I’m going up to bed now. I’ll talk to you later,

Your wife, Karyn

July 18, 2011

The loss of you is really affecting my brain! I can barely knit; it takes me forever to try to knit a few rows and it takes me forever to get through a television show. I think I watched the same Law & Order three times the other day. I think my brain is just totally gone. Well, maybe only half-way gone; it was already part way gone before due to the kids. LOL

I smacked my arm REALLY badly yesterday when I was feeding the kittens. I knew it was going to bruise and it did. Man, it looks bad. If you were around, you would probably tell me that’s what I got for smarting off with you! You always thought you were funny when you said things like that and, indeed, you did make me laugh. Do you like how I put the ‘indeed’ in there? Does it make me sound smart? I always liked how you thought I was smart. Just because I could study and pass tests and I had a college degree didn’t mean I was smarter than you were, but you would make comments about it from time to time. I always admired you and how you could fix anything. I held you in high regard for the things you could fix. Other than my Grandpa Poelman, I never knew anyone who could fix things like you could.

Honestly, you were more like my Grandpa than any man I had ever dated. I loved watching you work in the garage and I loved how you took cast off junk from work and other places and made it functional. I knew that no matter what you did or created or made; it would look good. You took pride in your work and I loved that about you, too. You didn’t just do something and throw it together; you did it right the first time. Since I’m not handy at all; I was just in awe of you when you created and made and fixed things.

You would have liked my Grandpa a lot. I think you would have enjoyed talking to him about fixing things. Are you getting to know him right now? Are you fixing things up there just for fun? Moriah already had my Grandpa taking care of her so why did God need to take you, too? I thought I had already paid my dues when Moriah died and my ex-husband left. I already miss you so much and I can’t see that getting any better as the years go on. You were my guy and I liked it when you introduced me as your wife. I liked being your wife and I was always proud of being your spouse.

Who is going to show little Isaiah how to do those things now? Who will be his mentor? Who is he going to tag along after like he did after you? He was your little shadow when you were home and he was the same way on the road. You used to talk about how the customers would ask about Isaiah and ask where he was at. He loved going with you in the Big Truck, too. And I was so happy that he had a Daddy that he could do things with because my older kids didn’t have that; my older kids were always kind of scared of their Dad. I was picky when I picked a man and you passed all of the tests and yet here we are. I guess that just goes to show that one can plan and plan and plan and yet still end up in a dark place.

Oh, boy, was it hot here today! I hope it’s not hot where you’re at! Ha, ha, ha…If you were here, you would have laughed at that joke. I think I’m going to miss that about you most of all. Mikeala won’t ‘get’ the jokes and Christian will just look at me and Isaiah is just too little. Who is going to share my jokes with me now? Who is going to laugh at my ‘blondeness’?

I worry that eventually people will think that I’m just too sad to hang around. Will they get sick of me talking about you? Will they think that I should just ‘get over it’ and go on? I have to go on for the children, but I’ll never get over you. All of this wasn’t part of the plans we had. We had big plans for what we were going to do with ourselves when the kids got older. We would have had just Isaiah and the baby eventually. How will I fill your shoes? How can I be you in our children’s lives? We were very committed to our children. We had the same thoughts and ideals for them. I used to love it when I asked you a question and we both had the same thoughts and yet we had never discussed it. It was odd because you were so much quieter than I am and yet we meshed so well.

I remember when we went to Menards to buy paneling and things for the room you put in the basement. You told the cashier that I was ‘making you work’ and you made yourself look pathetic and she believed you! I said something about it on the way to your truck and you just laughed and said, “I know.” You thought it was hilarious when you did things like that. I loved that part of your sense of humor. You always knew how to make me laugh.

Okay, now I wrote WAAYYY too much and I should have been in bed hours ago so good night.

Your wife, Karyn.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

July 17, 2011

June 17, 2011

Hi Bry, Mike is late again. Man, I’m sick of her pulling this crap. I would ground her, but I’m not sure that does any good. Oh, and she just called me to ‘come and get her’. You would be pissed if you were here. I figure I’m not going to ground her for more than a few days, but I’m going to make her do work! Ha, ha, ha…

Jenn and I were talking about ‘S’ and how bad she always was to you. I told her how I thought you were exaggerating some and then I found out that you SOOOOO weren’t exaggerating at all. I’m wondering who she will complain to now that you’re not around. Jenn was getting counseling for Robyn and I’m glad about that. Robyn misses you a lot. It’s sad that ‘S’ was so bad to her kids. She used to tell the kids that you didn’t care about them. Is it bad to me to be kind of laughing that she doesn’t have her money yet for the month and there is NOTHING she can do about it? I feel kind of evil, but on the other hand I don’t really care. She was awful to you and she messed up some of the kids, too. I’m quite sure she will be calling Jenn or complaining to Robyn about it or Matt or Shirley. Oh, well, I don’t have to deal with her. I only don’t like her because of how she treated you and your kids. They and you didn’t deserve that at all.

I slept late this morning for the first time in over a week and then I finally woke up I remembered again and I was sad. And I had to get my own milk today. I know that that’s such a little thing, but you would always get the milk for me when you went to the store on Sunday afternoons. It made me really sad to have to get my own milk and to NOT have you say, “I’m running up to the store; is there anything you want?” It was like my chest was tight all afternoon because you won’t ever say that to me again. I know it’s a little thing, but I’m sure those little things will hit me really, really hard for a long time. And last night I saw the buns on the food line for the reception and I thought of how much you would have loved them. I’m sure the weirdest things will hit me for a long time when it comes to you.

I’ve given myself to have periods during the day where I’m ‘okay for the moment.’ I’ve also decided that I’m not going to stay in bed all day and cry. I will cry and I will grieve for you, but I’m going to get up in the morning and take a shower and try to keep the house at least reasonably neat. I owe the kids that much at least. They deserve one semi-functioning parent.

I can’t bring myself to wash your laundry, either. It’s just going to sit in your closet for a long time, I think. Sometimes I try to fool myself and I tell myself that you’re just gone in the truck. It doesn’t work very well, but for the moment it’s nice to pretend that you’re just gone for a few days.

No one knows where your glasses are at and that bothers me a lot. You always wore them and it’s just another part of you. I am going to pray that they are located. I’d like to have them to keep. I was planning on putting them in the box on your dresser so that every time I walk by your dresser; I can see them.

It is the most awful thing in the world to wake up every morning and to realize all over again that you’re gone and that I won’t ever see you again. Right now; I just can’t wrap my brain around that fact. I find myself gasping every morning with the realization that you’re gone. And then my chest gets tight and I have to remind myself to breathe again. Breathe, Karyn, breathe. It takes so much effort and I lay there every morning and will myself to get out of bed and try to function.

I’ve been carrying your ring around with me. It’s not much, but it’s a little piece of you and it makes me feel closer to you. Maybe I’ll eventually put it on a chain and wear it. I’m not sure about that right now, though. Sometimes I just set it on my computer desk and look at it so I can think of you.

I haven’t gone through one day without crying since I heard the awful news. I can function for a lot of the day and then I just lose it. I don’t think that will end any time soon at all. You were just such a big piece of my life and we totally ‘got’ each other. When I told you recently how I was buying a skein of Wolmeise from Amber and what a good color you just laughed at me and said, “Oh, do you NEED it? I’m sure you do…” and we laughed together. You didn’t care about me buying yarn and you said as long as it made me happy; it was fine with you.

I’ve just realized lately how much you have taken over the living room. It’s a LIVING room or it’s supposed to be and instead you made it into a man-cave. It now has a full size gas pump, an antique washboard, two antique scooters, Isaiah’s pedal car, a little baby cart, 4 gumball machines, a parking meter, a firebox, a big gas something sign, and a HUGE light up sign that you put on the back wall! Man, that thing is hideous, but you LOVED it! When I semi-complained about it and said it should go someplace else, you told me you couldn’t take it down because it was bolted up there. Yeah, like I believe that one. I loved you so much that I didn’t really care, though. I cared more about YOU than I did about how you decorated the living room.

My mind is like a sieve lately; I can’t concentrate on a thing. A square that should have taken me two days to do; took me a week. And I keep forgetting things. I’m SOOO afraid that I will forget a bill or forget something important. I don’t have much of an appetite, either. That part doesn’t bother me too much as I have some extra weight that I can stand to lose. Mom was worried about me not eating, but I’ve been eating about once a week and I actually had some chocolate today. Food just doesn’t look good at all. I’ve been drinking a lot of fluids so I’m okay there and when I eat; I make sure it’s nutritious.

Speaking of nutritious, brother-in-law Bruce did some pulled pork last night and it was really good. You would have liked it a lot. Shirley gave me some to take home and I had it for dinner tonight. Bruce’s grill is HUGE and I could imagine The Home Improvement loving it and saying, “More power.” LOL

Christian and Isaiah had fun at the reception last night. They played with the other kids a lot. At one point, Josh had the football and he had four little kids trying to tackle him and it wasn’t doing a thing to him. I just had to laugh about it. And Isaiah and Christian have been arguing a lot. Isaiah hasn’t been nice to Christian at all. I wonder if that’s his grief coming out. And Christian has been going to his friends’ houses a lot. I think he feels better if he keeps busy. I hope his anger problems don’t come out later on since he’s been doing so much better recently.

Isaiah made a diagram about how to put up the pool. It was so cute. He wanted to put it up with you and you were supposed to do that last weekend. Steve said he would put it up with him. I don’t even know what chemicals to use in it at all! That brings me back to, “How am I going to do this alone? How am I going to figure out how to do everything that I need to do? Who is going to fix my car now? And who is going to trim the bushes that need to be trimmed?” You did so much around here and your presence is everywhere in the house.

Your hats are still on the dryer and your towels are still on your dresser. It’s like suspended animation; they’re waiting for you to come back. And I can’t think about anyone touching your things. Shirley mentioned Bruce wanting to buy a few tools that Bryan had and I told her I wasn’t selling anything. I don’t care what the tool is; it’s staying here. I couldn’t parcel out your belongings like you were a ‘thing’; you were my guy and that’s part of you. It might not make logical sense, but I’m not ready to let go yet.

I’m not sure how we’re all going to muddle through this without you. It is going to be hard. I’ve been told to take one day at a time and that’s what I’m trying to do, but it’s SOOOO hard. I keep thinking of things we did and things we said to each other. I remember when we got engaged how you told me you liked the 50 year anniversary pictures in the paper and how you wanted to be in there someday. I thought that was sweet of you. You weren’t a gushy, romantic guy, but you were steady and I could always count on you. If I called you up, I knew you were on my side and I knew that you loved me. There was lots of times that I just couldn’t believe that you loved me like that and I wondered what I had done to deserve someone as wonderful as you.

I remember how it took you four dates to kiss me and I finally asked you where those four kids you had came from. LOL And then you made me wait until the END of the fourth date before you kissed me, too! I remember I was standing in my front hall in front of the mirror and you finally bent over and kissed me. I honestly only remember three first kisses and you were one of them. Your kiss was so passionate that it made my toes curl. I couldn’t believe that I made you THAT nervous and that it took you so long to just kiss me. Then I thought that if you were able to wait a month to kiss me it really showed how much you respected me.

You told me later that you were afraid it would scare me off. I thought that was really cute. And then when you asked me to marry you after less than three months of dating; I just KNEW that you were the right guy for me and that I couldn’t find a better guy. You had all of the traits in a man that I was looking for. There were only three things about you that bothered me and honestly they never stopped bothering me, but no one is perfect and I knew I could live with those three things.

A few days after you asked me to marry me, you said, “I should ask your Dad” and I said it would be a good idea because I thought it would be darn funny to watch you ask him since you were rather shy. So, that Saturday we went to my parent’s house and you sat there for a half hour saying NOTHING at all. I finally started bumping your leg as if to say, “Say something” and you looked at me and said, “What?” like you didn’t know what I meant! Men…LOL Then you looked at my Dad and said, “I’d like to marry your daughter” and my Dad laughed and said, “Run while you can…” I often reminded you of that fact when I said or did something ‘blonde’ that kind of made you shake your head. I would say, “Remember, Bryan, my Dad told you to run while you could” and you would say, “I should have listened to him.” LOL

Of course, you never meant it; we just liked joking around a lot. We both had such awful marriages the first time around that we needed to have fun together. We needed to be able to have fun and laugh together and enjoy life. I think we accomplished that pretty good. You did and said things and you made me laugh SOOO much! I loved that about you. I always knew that we were a team. I’m back to thinking, “how can I be a team of one?”

I am writing all of these thoughts and memories down so that Isaiah will know how I felt about you. Of course, I have the advantage here because I can say things about you and slant the memories my way! Just kidding on that one; I love you too much to slam you and say bad things about you. I will tell him the truth about you as I know it. I will tell him what type of person you were and how you acted and what you liked. I hope he will remember you and I feel so bad that he can’t spend time with you any longer. Boys need their Dads; how can I be both Mom and Dad?

You weren’t a reader so you never read The Giver. You missed out on a great book there. Anyway, The Giver was the keeper of the memories for the town he lived in. I am the keeper of your memories. I will write them down so Isaiah will always know about his Daddy. If the only memories he will have are the ones I and others who knew you give him, then I will give him that. I love you and him enough to do the best job I can in this area.

More later, hon. Bye for now!

July 16, 2011

June 16, 2011

Grief isn’t stagnant; like a pond, it’s always changing like an ocean. It ebbs and flows. The phone rang this morning and I was woken out of a sound sleep and I had been dreaming of you. I can’t remember the dream now, but I was awoken to the realization that you were gone again and it hit me anew. And I had to try to catch my breath again because I had forgotten for a moment there.

Odd things hit me and they probably always will. When we went out to dinner at Olive Garden with Mark and Jenn after the viewing on Tuesday night, they gave us mints afterwards and I remembered how I always got one or two for you since I don’t like mint. I’m sure things like that will affect me for a long time because SO much of my life was intertwined with you.

Later that evening…

I’m wondering if I should start calling this The Bryan Saga because it will probably get quite long. I went to Katie’s reception tonight. I had talked to Jaki earlier this week and she told me she felt bad that she had ripped your old Elf doll off your green truck as she’s driving around in your old truck. My Mom had bought an Elf at a garage sale so she told me I could give it to her. Jaki almost cried and she said she would put him in her windshield and let him drive around with her.

Shirley and Bruce and Jenn and everyone miss you a lot. Shirley had talked about your rotten gym shoes and how you wore shoes forever during the funeral so I brought the shoes along with me tonight. Shirley almost cried and she said she was going to hang them in the break room so it would be like you were still there. I told her if she was ever going to get rid of them to please let me know and I’d take them back and she said she would never get rid of them. It’s probably the strangest gift anyone ever gave her, but they meant a lot to her.

Shirley also said she was really glad that I put you in jeans and gym shoes. It’s what you liked to wear the most. I loved how you wore your tight jeans. You always blushed when I told you what a good looking butt you had, but you did have an awesome looking butt. I still remember how you told me about getting hit on by a big lady that looked like Mimi when you were delivering to the Meijer’s store in Greenville. I asked you if I had anything to worry about and you said I had NOTHING to worry about it at all. LOL You said you made sure to tell the lady that you were married. J

I sat with Jenn and Jaki tonight. They miss you so much. Isaiah went over to Jenn’s house today to swim and Jenn said he kept saying and doing things that reminder her of you. She told me he was like a Little Bryan. It makes me SOOO sad that you aren’t there for him anymore because he always had so much fun with his Daddy. I guess today he asked Jenn about the “water pressure” on the hose at her house and she said that was SOOO something you would have said.

Jenn and Jaki and I talked about you all night long. Jenn said you were always so excited about whatever new project you were working on and you would come in and talk to her about it and she usually only understood half of what you were saying. I told her I totally understood what she was saying! And I’m so terribly glad now that your gas pump never sold. It’s going to stay right where it is now.

Jenn also talked to me about Robyn. She’s looking after your daughter. Maybe it’s a good thing that Robyn is living with her right now. I know I wouldn’t be able to help her right now because I can barely help myself. Oh, and the ‘Evil Ex’ is going to be going nuts now because she won’t have anyone to bug about her check! I’m wondering how quickly she will blow through the money. I’m sure it won’t last her more than a year or two. I hope Jenn will continue to get counseling for Robyn. She knows about her Mom’s alcohol problems so that’s a good thing.

Matt is struggling, too. I’m glad that you had a few good years with him. He really loved you. I hope he gets his act together in regards to his marriage, but I don’t give it tons of hope. Matt picked the kids up on Saturday, July 9, since you died on Friday. I found out later from the kids that he and Pattie had an awful argument in the van and that Matt threatened to kill himself so he could be with you. I don’t like the fact that they found in front of Christian and Mikeala as we rarely did that. I haven’t told them that I know about the fight yet. We had just talked on that Tuesday about her and Matt and their arguments. I told you it was sad that they couldn’t get along and that I was glad that we didn’t have that type of relationship. We didn’t always get along, but we never brought our arguments down to a personal level; we had way too much respect for each other than that.

I have a feeling that ‘S’ will turn your kids against me. I guess I’ll cross that road when it comes and I’ll just carry on the best that I can. I was always worried that if you died I would be the Evil Stepwitch so I guess I will just have to see what happens. I told Jenn that it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if The Evil Ex called her up to harass her about her check. There is nothing anything can do about things until after the will is read so basically she is SOL. I actually feel slightly smug and happy about her being left in the lurch after how badly she treated you. You were the nicest guy and she treated you horribly.

The irony of your death isn’t lost on me. I looked for a good man, a man who had the same values that I did, a man I could grow old with, and a man who would be an awesome father and you were all of those things and yet, here I am, alone again. I hate the word ‘fair’ and yet it SOOOO isn’t fair. I guess I like the word ‘soooo’ tonight because I keep using it. And when we adopted Christian the social workers were specifically looking for a two-parent household due to his anger issues and his strong-willed nature. I’m not sure how I’m going to parent him all by myself now.

I’ve been carrying your wedding ring around with me. It makes me feel closer to you since you always wore it. It’s like a little piece of you is still with me. I wish I had you with me, though, and I know that nothing will ever bring you back. Oh, I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave right now! Well, I don’t really believe in magic wands, but I wish I had something that could bring you back to me and your children. I keep wondering how you would want me to carry on and what you would want me to do now with the children.

I’m worried that Christian’s anger issues will come back. I’ve seen it a little bit already. Am I strong enough to deal with it by myself? However, thinking that way puts me back in the, “Why did this happen category?” and there just isn’t an answer to that one. I think I’m going to be in the “Why camp” for the rest of my life.

And just in case you were wondering, I’ve discovered what happens when one spends part of each day crying for a week. My ears have been plugged for the last 8 days and I’ve been walking around feeling surreal. It seems like I’m not really here because how can there BE a ‘here’ without you in it? We had so many plans and I still keep thinking that it just doesn’t seem right to NOT have you here with me. We had talked about the trips we wanted to take together. You wanted to drive your convertible across the country with a few of the kids. I think they would have liked that a lot. You could have visited every single junk yard on the way, too.

It was mostly fun visiting with Mark and Jenn. I’m glad they got a chance to know you better. They took the whole week off from work to come out and support me. I was so touched by that. Mark and Jenn said they will forever treasure the days we spent with them. I joked with Jenn about the meal we had at the Macaroni Grill. You and I would have had lots of fun joking about it. “Hey, Bry, do you want some soggy pizza; we can go to the Macaroni Grill?” And I would have had SO much fun teasing you about the Hoover Dam being in Boulder, Colorado. And OF COURSE, the History Channel was wrong about that; it couldn’t have been you. J

And how can Tiffany and I joke about you doing what we call “The Hand Thing” since you’re not going to be around to do it anymore? I kind of think that maybe you’re chuckling over that one. I love the jokes we used to have between ourselves. I used to know that there was another person who had my sense of humor and who understood me. I used to tell you that probably the only reason you married me was because I laughed at your lame jokes. Some of your comments made me laugh and laugh and some got old, but they were so ‘you’ that I didn’t care. I always thought it was funny how you called it my Sewing Group instead of my knitting group. I almost took a picture of Paolina when she was sewing her bag one week at the knitting group. LOL

I’m wondering how I can even be alive with this big hole in my heart. I feel like the sorrow and blood from the hole in my heart is oozing out everywhere. Can everyone else see it? Can they look through me and see my pain? I feel like I’m not really here because it seems as if a big part of me is missing. How can one be whole without their other half? My sister-in-law, Jenn, always calls my brother her soul mate; do you think we were soul mates? I hope so because I thought we fit together quite well. I mean, I know we weren’t perfect and we argued at times and sometimes you made me crazy, but I loved you to pieces.

I’m glad that I always called you my ‘sexy man’ when you came home even though it made you blush. I just cannot imagine never going out to dinner with you again or hearing your voice again or just laying down next to you and telling you about my day. You always acted like you were interested even when I knew you weren’t very interested in what I was telling you.

And once again I’m back to the, “Why did God send you my way and then take you away?” Why would God let me love you so much and then take you from your family? You little boy needs you so much. I’m at the, “Why, why, why” fork in the road. And where does the road go from here? Is the path all rocky or will you be looking down and guiding me along the road? I can’t say you were my ‘everything’ because we were both pretty independent people, but we were a really good team. I often thought that I was a very lucky person because I had you in my life. It was rather uncanny how much we thought alike on topics that we had never discussed; even little things. And there were some things that I didn’t even need to discuss with you because I knew you felt the same way I did. I would bring up the subjects anyway and your answer would be what I thought it would be.

I’m trying to stay grounded even though I don’t want to. I have to just live in this moment now because I just cannot imagine living without you. I looked around at my family eating normally the other day and I just couldn’t imagine or fathom a time when my heart doesn’t ache. Right now, I think of you every moment of every day. Food doesn’t look good and my stomach feels like it’s tied up in knots. I’ve never felt so sick to my stomach before and I wonder how long this part of the ‘grief process’ lasts.

Honestly, I would give anything if I could turn the clock back and I could have one more day with you again. I’d like to tell you one more time how much you meant to me. I’m so glad now that I always told you how sexy I found you and that we always greeted each other kindly. You once told me that you always said, “I love you” on the phone before you hung up because we never knew what moment would be our last one. I understood what you were saying, but I never thought that last moment would be NOW! I will miss the normal conversations we had with each other. We talked about everything with each other. I will miss the little jokes we would play on each other and how you smiled at me. I was happy that I was with you and we had a good life together.

I’m glad that I put myself through college after we got married. My reason for getting my college degree was to be able to support myself and the family if you became disabled and couldn’t work, but I NEVER thought I might have to support the family because you DIED! You weren’t supposed to die; you were only 51. I’m wayyyy too young to be a widow; we were supposed to grow old together and this was not part of the plan.

I keep talking about plans and we did have a lot of them. Plans are supposed to be followed. We had so many things that we wanted to do together; we can’t do them now! It’s hard to make plans with someone who is buried in the ground. I’m kind of glad that you didn’t look like you when you were laying in the casket because it would have made leaving you in there so much harder. You looked rather ‘waxy’ to me and not like you at all. It might have been since you didn’t have your hat on. I had them put your Kaknes hat on when we left the viewing on Tuesday night. You looked a lot more natural with your hat on. I would really like to know where your glasses are at, though, and to know what the autopsy results are. HOW could it have been a heart attack when you just had a complete physical this spring? That doesn’t make sense to me, either. Those thoughts put me back in the ‘surreal’ category. This just all seems like a horrible, horrible nightmare that I should wake up from, but it’s not. And if this is a nightmare, it’s the worst one I’ve ever had.

Well, Bry, this ‘Keeper of your Memories’ is tired so I’m going to try to sleep now. I hope you’re watching over your family because we certainly need it. Hug Moriah tight and tell her that her Momma loved her SOOOO much! I’ll ‘talk’ to you again tomorrow.

Your wife that has always loved you so much, Karyn

July 15, 2011

Today I had to open up a new account at the credit union so that social security could do direct deposit. I thought it would be easier than closing the other account since I don’t have a copy of the death certificate yet. It made me sad to do it. It’s just a single account in just my name. I was in that spot before and I didn’t like it at all.

I took Christian and Isaiah to Sandy Pines so they could swim. They both had a very good time. I talked to Mark about you and your will and honestly I just can’t believe you’re gone. I’m still just so in shock. I’ve wanted to call you about a dozen times today to talk to you and I’m wondering what you’re doing. Can you look down and see what I’m doing? Can you feel how much I love you?

I’m taking the kids to the wedding reception for Katie tomorrow. I thought it would be nice to go and be around people that loved you so much. I still can’t understand how such a beautiful girl married such an old looking guy, either.

June 14th, 2011

June 14, 2011

I miss you every day and I still can’t believe that I won’t ever talk to you again. I wake up in the morning and want to call to tell you things and then I remember again that you’re gone and I have to remind myself to breath again. I can only look at the very near future because if I think ahead any farther than that; I can’t cope. I can’t imagine NEVER seeing you again. I want to hug you again and feel your flannel against my cheek and know that you’re my guy.

Last night I was putting yarn away in the bedroom and I folded up the t-shirt you were wearing and I was thinking I could put yarn in your top drawer and there wouldn’t be anything you could do about it and it cracked me up. You always told me the yarn had to stay out of the garage and your room and your side of the bed. But I wouldn’t do it because it’s your dresser. I don’t want anyone touching your things at all.

Honestly, I think I’m still in shock…How could you go and leave me like this? We were supposed to grow old together. We’re supposed to be going out to dinner for our anniversary next week. Will you celebrate it in Heaven? Are you looking down at me saying, “You can do it, Karyn.” And why oh why aren’t you here with me now? I miss you so, so much….I keep remembering how much fun we had together and I hope you always knew how much I loved you; even when I was crabby with you.

We had so many plans for the future. You made me a better person. I think I will be forever grateful that you were in my life. Twelve years wasn’t long enough. We were a team. How can I be a team of one? Nothing will be the same again. You were the best father to our kids. They miss you so much, too…