July 19, 2011 3:30 a.m.

July 19, 2011 3:30 a.m.

            I’m kind of thinking if I keep writing like; this will be a book.  I guess that’s okay, but I wonder who will want to read it.  You know, I keep talking about how much I love you and so maybe I should clarify some things.  Love isn’t having that gushy feeling every single day because that’s just not sustainable for the long haul.  Love is commitment and love is deciding you want to be with the other person even when things are tough.  One doesn’t fall out of love; one loses the commitment to the other person.  I was just telling my sister-in-law, Jenn, that it wasn’t that hard to be with you because we agreed on so many things.  When one already agrees on core values, it’s easier to work things out.  That said, we did have some difficult times.  We worked through the his and hers kid issues and we worked through crazy exes and we worked through not having enough money.  We worked through them because we were committed and we were dedicated to each other and we were determined that our marriage would survive the odds and I know it would have.

            You were my friend in addition to being my husband and I wanted you to be happy.  I didn’t mind you spending time at The Lot because you had so much fun there and you enjoyed spending time with your car friends.  When one loves another person, they want that person to be able to do the things that they enjoy.  Our relationship was never about controlling the other person; I never wanted to control you, I just wanted to BE with you and for you to want to be with me.

            You weren’t the type of guy to write me long love letter and, in fact, you never wrote me a love letter at all except for one very short one.  You WERE the type of guy who would stop at Walmart when we were on vacation just to buy me a pint of milk because you knew I liked my milk.  And then later on when we were driving and I thanked you for the milk you smiled at me and said, “There just might be another one in the cooler.”  THAT was how you said, “I love you.”  You went out of your way to show me that I mattered to you and you took the extra time to demonstrate it.  That, my friends, is true love.  It’s the actions behind the words. 

            You always told me you loved me before we hung up the phone because you said we never knew what moment might be our last ones.  I always kind of scoffed at that reasoning, but in the end, you were right; our time together was too short.  I’m glad we told each other that we loved them.  It was so good to have a nice, sweet, loving relationship with you after having such a horrible one before.  In fact, I’m not sure I would have appreciated YOU and the way you are if I hadn’t of had such a terrible marriage before.  I hope our kids saw the love we had for each other and I hope they realize that it’s okay and it’s good to just have a normal relationship with their spouses. 

            Okay, now I really AM going to bed!  I love you so much and I would like to just hold you right now.

            Your wife, Karyn