July 18, 2011

July 18, 2011

            The loss of you is really affecting my brain!  I can barely knit; it takes me forever to try to knit a few rows and it takes me forever to get through a television show.  I think I watched the same Law & Order three times the other day.  I think my brain is just totally gone.  Well, maybe only half-way gone; it was already part way gone before due to the kids.  LOL

            I smacked my arm REALLY badly yesterday when I was feeding the kittens.  I knew it was going to bruise and it did.  Man, it looks bad.  If you were around, you would probably tell me that’s what I got for smarting off with you!  You always thought you were funny when you said things like that and, indeed, you did make me laugh.  Do you like how I put the ‘indeed’ in there?  Does it make me sound smart?  I always liked how you thought I was smart.  Just because I could study and pass tests and I had a college degree didn’t mean I was smarter than you were, but you would make comments about it from time to time.  I always admired you and how you could fix anything.  I held you in high regard for the things you could fix.  Other than my Grandpa Poelman, I never knew anyone who could fix things like you could.

            Honestly, you were more like my Grandpa than any man I had ever dated.  I loved watching you work in the garage and I loved how you took cast off junk from work and other places and made it functional.  I knew that no matter what you did or created or made; it would look good.  You took pride in your work and I loved that about you, too.  You didn’t just do something and throw it together; you did it right the first time.  Since I’m not handy at all; I was just in awe of you when you created and made and fixed things.

            You would have liked my Grandpa a lot.  I think you would have enjoyed talking to him about fixing things.  Are you getting to know him right now?  Are you fixing things up there just for fun?  Moriah already had my Grandpa taking care of her so why did God need to take you, too?  I thought I had already paid my dues when Moriah died and my ex-husband left.  I already miss you so much and I can’t see that getting any better as the years go on.  You were my guy and I liked it when you introduced me as your wife.  I liked being your wife and I was always proud of being your spouse. 

            Who is going to show little Isaiah how to do those things now?  Who will be his mentor?  Who is he going to tag along after like he did after you?  He was your little shadow when you were home and he was the same way on the road.  You used to talk about how the customers would ask about Isaiah and ask where he was at.  He loved going with you in the Big Truck, too.  And I was so happy that he had a Daddy that he could do things with because my older kids didn’t have that; my older kids were always kind of scared of their Dad.  I was picky when I picked a man and you passed all of the tests and yet here we are.  I guess that just goes to show that one can plan and plan and plan and yet still end up in a dark place.

            Oh, boy, was it hot here today!  I hope it’s not hot where you’re at!  Ha, ha, ha…If you were here, you would have laughed at that joke.  I think I’m going to miss that about you most of all.  Mikeala won’t ‘get’ the jokes and Christian will just look at me and Isaiah is just too little.  Who is going to share my jokes with me now?  Who is going to laugh at my ‘blondeness’? 

            I worry that eventually people will think that I’m just too sad to hang around.  Will they get sick of me talking about you?  Will they think that I should just ‘get over it’ and go on?  I have to go on for the children, but I’ll never get over you.  All of this wasn’t part of the plans we had.  We had big plans for what we were going to do with ourselves when the kids got older.  We would have had just Isaiah and the baby eventually.  How will I fill your shoes?  How can I be you in our children’s lives?  We were very committed to our children.  We had the same thoughts and ideals for them.  I used to love it when I asked you a question and we both had the same thoughts and yet we had never discussed it.  It was odd because you were so much quieter than I am and yet we meshed so well.

            I remember when we went to Menards to buy paneling and things for the room you put in the basement.  You told the cashier that I was ‘making you work’ and you made yourself look pathetic and she believed you!  I said something about it on the way to your truck and you just laughed and said, “I know.”  You thought it was hilarious when you did things like that.  I loved that part of your sense of humor.  You always knew how to make me laugh.

            Okay, now I wrote WAAYYY too much and I should have been in bed hours ago so good night.

            Your wife, Karyn.