July 18, 2011 Later that day…
Hi Bry,
Let me just say that 3 ½ hours at the social security office is TOO long. And I think being polite should be a prerequisite to working there. This man had NO sense of humor, he didn’t know how to crack a smile at all, and he couldn’t type and answer a question at the same time! It was pathetic. I’m not sure if my headache is due to crying before going or whether it was due to sitting there for so darn long. Oh, and the guy had a VERY lazy eye and Mikeala and I couldn’t tell who he was talking to at times; her or me! LOL And then before we left he told us to have a good day. Yeah, right. I looked at him and said, “I don’t think I will have a good day for a very long time.” He didn’t know WHAT to say to that. I can’t figure out why he was so cold. He could tell that I was young (I’m only 45) and then my husband was a young guy (he was only 51) so why couldn’t he treat me nicer?
Sal stopped by tonight to offer his condolences. He is still really broken up over his wife’s death in January so he was a real downer. You know how Sal is a big, big guy (I would guess he’s at LEAST a 3X); well, he was talking about how he missed sex with his wife and let me just say the mental image was NOT good. I told Solomon about it and he was saying, “Ewwww…” LOL Wasn’t it nice of me to share that with everyone now? You all can thank me later.
Sal said he couldn’t believe you were gone. I can’t either. It still seems unreal to me. I mean, I’m okay for a while if I just think about you being gone in your truck, but when I think about it being for FOREVER then I almost lose it. I watch a show and then can’t remember much of what I watched and I have to watch it again. I think it took me three hours to watch a one hour show yesterday. My brain is just GONE! I’m wondering when the feeling of being overwhelmed and in shock ends because right now it seems to go on all day long.
I’ve been sleeping a little better, but then I wake up and I remember how you’re gone all over again and I have to try to BREATHE again. My chest gets tight and I have this ache inside of me. Mom said Dad has been having chest pains and she has been having trouble sleeping, too. Shirley told me the funeral home told her that it WAS a heart attack. That seems odd to me, too, since you had had an EKG done this spring. How did that not catch anything? How could you die of a heart attack when you were only 51? That’s WAYYY too young to die of a heart attack! I mean, you never had any problems before and we just got back from vacation and you had never complained of any pain the whole time we were gone.
Food still doesn’t sound good at all. I don’t mind that part of the grief process and the weight loss is okay. If I could lose another 20 lbs., I would be happy. Well, as happy as I could be under the circumstances because how can I ever be happy again? My head hurts all day long from crying and I just feel drained all the time. I can’t figure out why this happened at all. Sal said he was mad at God and that he wouldn’t believe his wife was in a better place. Right now; I’m not mad at God and I DO believe you’re in a better place, but I SO wish you were here with me.
I’ve only wanted to call you about 10 times today to tell you things. If I could call you now I would say, “Hey, Bry, Christian and Steve and Isaiah made a fire tonight. I had some things to clean up in the house, but they had a good time.” And then I would tell you about my visit with Sal. In fact, I wanted to call you after he left and tell you how much he missed his wife. We always talked about things like that so it was a normal thought, but then I remembered that you were gone and I couldn’t call you to tell you what Sal said because you’re gone. Gone is SO final! How can you be gone? It’s been 10 days since they told me you were gone. Ten awful days without my guy.
You used to always blush when I said things like, “Is that my sexy guy?” I don’t know why because I always thought you were sexy. I liked your skinny, lanky body and your ‘scrawny’ arms. And I LOVED your voice! I think you had a very sexy voice. I’m not sure why you didn’t ‘get’ how I could find you sexy. I remember how you would put your arm up over your face when the light was too bright at night. I always thought it was cute. And I will miss the snoring that used to drive me crazy. I will also miss how you would sometimes touch my leg at night in your sleep. It’s the little things that I miss a lot about you. I miss you calling me at night to say good night and I miss telling someone about my day.
I would have called you today to tell you that Christian came home and (GASP!) picked up his room without being asked and you and I would have laughed about it. I always liked laughing about things like that with you. We were a good team and you totally ‘got’ my sense of humor. I always loved that about you. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating that we both had awful first marriages and so we needed that laughter with each other even more than we might have. I know I appreciated you a lot more than I would have if I hadn’t of had such a terrible marriage.
Oh, and if one more person tells me that you’re in a better place, I might scream! Does that mean we should kill all of the Christians then? Of course not and we CAN grieve those we love who have died. Jesus himself grieved for Lazarus when he died so WHY do people assume that we should just say, “Oh, Bryan is no longer here and it’s okay.” It’s NOT okay and I AM heartbroken. I honestly want to kick some people because it’s SO annoying to have people keep saying dumb things.
If anyone is reading this, PLEASE don’t say to people that their loved one is in a better place. It is a DUMB thing to say and it isn’t helpful at all! And don’t assume the person is okay because they aren’t bawling their eyes out at the moment; you didn’t see them a half hour ago. I’ve never spent so much time crying before in my life. I’ve never walked around in such a fog and been so ‘spacey’. My brain just doesn’t seem to work well. It’s the strangest feeling/sensation that I’ve ever had and it isn’t one that I want to repeat ever again. Grief and loss are so difficult to understand. How can I understand why God allowed you to die? I don’t think that God was out to get me by allowing you to die, but I certainly would like to know what he was thinking!! I mean, I spent all of those years sitting in church by myself and I spent years praying for the right man to come into my life and I found him; I found you and now you’re gone and your absence in my life is pretty large.
I feel like trying to fill the void that you’ve left in my life is like throwing little pebbles into the ocean. It would take forever for those pebbles to do anything at all to the ocean. You being gone means that my heart is ripped out. YOU had my heart and now it’s broken. How can a broken heart be better than a whole one? And how can my broken heart ever become whole again? I don’t know if it WILL ever be repaired again. And how can I effectively parent our children when my heart is broken? I don’t know how I will do it, but I will do the best job I can because to NOT do so would be not respecting your memory and what you stood for as a father.
Man, I’m tired. I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Some nights it’s really hard to sleep. I lay there for a very long time before I finally fall asleep and then my dreams are tormented and tortured. I keep imagining where you are and what you’re doing right now and I know that what you’re seeing is too awesome and incredible for me to even picture. If you had known that you would die at such a young age, would you have done some things differently? Would you have watched less t.v. or worked less? Would you have spent more time in church or prayed more? I’m not sure what I would have done if I had known that I would have only had 12 years with you. How does one prepare for something like that? I don’t think I COULD have prepared for it. How does one prepare to lose their soulmate and best friend? It would have been too hard to do so I’m glad I didn’t know.
Well, hon, I’m going up to bed now. I’ll talk to you later,
Your wife, Karyn
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