Memories of my husband

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

July 26, 2011

Hi Bry,

It’s the saddest thing in the world to be writing to you instead of talking to you. I just want to pick up the phone and chat with you about my day like we normally did. You would tell me what stops you had made and where you were going next and I would ask when you would be home again. I miss those talks and conversations so much. I’m not sure how I can go on without you. I honestly think if someone were to look inside of me they would see my heart bleeding all over the place. My heart just aches and hurts so much. I miss holding you and seeing you sleep next to me at night and I even miss your snoring.

Would you have changed your eating habits if you had known this would happen? I honestly think you thought you were invincible so you might not have believed anyone who told you that your eating habits would kill you. I know they worried me an awful lot and I was even more worried when I saw how bad you ate when we were on vacation. It’s one thing to hear about something, but it’s another to see it with one’s own eyes. I was thinking of a way to talk to you about eating better, but it was too late. I doubt you would have changed your habits anyway because you were very stubborn about things. You would just kind of dig your heels in about certain things and it made me crazy.

I have to pick up your check tomorrow because the computer crashed at your work. I guess it was a really bad problem and they had to replace the whole MotherBoard. I’m not sure what a MotherBoard is, either, but that’s what they’re fixing/replacing. Evidently it was due for replacement in September, but it didn’t make it that far. Jenn said they need to input everything by hand and that it’s a real pain. Jaki told me today that she doesn’t know where half of the things are and that Amanda can’t look them up in the computer. I wanted to say, “Call Bryan up” because you knew all of that stuff, but I stopped myself in time. You did know things like that, though. And what will I do if my stupid water heater goes out again or my refrigerator dies again? It will be sad buying a new refrigerator by myself. It was always so much fun doing those things with you. You made life fun; you would goof around and act silly. I liked that about you. Of course, I always tried to act like you embarrassed me, though.

My Dad told me on Sunday that he had never had an argument with you and I said that was because you were a suck up and he laughed and laughed. To be quite honest, you were very respectful of your elders. You were raised that way and you were very much an advocate of respecting parental figures. You really did like my Dad and he ADORED you. I think he would have taken your side if I ever would have called him up and complained about you doing something because you could do no wrong in his eyes. You ate it right up, too. We never argued about that, but you liked to kind of ‘throw it in my face’ in a teasing way that my Dad liked you so much. Once in a while you would jokingly tell me that you would, “Tell my Dad on me” and I would say, “Ewww…I’m scared.” LOL I miss that so much about you, too. There isn’t anyone left to joke with anymore.

And I’m afraid that everyone will think that I have everything under control and they won’t offer to help out with things anymore. I’m afraid of doing it on my own; who will shovel the driveway and rake the leaves and fix things around the house? You did so much around here and I relied on you a lot. Right now Christian is still in shock and Isaiah is little, but what will I do when the shock wears off and Isaiah gets bigger? Will I be able to handle them? Boys need their Dads and you were such a good Father to them both. And Mikeala is keeping busy going to her friend’s house, but I just know a melt-down with her is coming. And how will I be able to care for an infant on my own? And we had plans to adopt again? God what were you thinking?

I never thought this would happen. I am still stuck back over two weeks ago when I heard you were gone. You can’t be gone; you just spent a week with me on vacation; you just spent two 12 hour days roofing my brother’s house with Matt. You just took Isaiah to the lot on the 4^th of July. How can you be here one minute and then gone the next? You were so alive and not just alive, but full of life. You were young. We had too much we wanted to do together.

I keep trying to convince myself that I will be okay and that I will find a way to go on, but I don’t believe myself. I’m just scared and I feel lost and alone. We were a good team and we balanced each other out well. I liked that so much about us and our relationship. You did so many things with the kids and you did the ‘outside work’ around the house well. I think you would be appalled at how bad the yarn looks right now because it’s not looking very good. The plants all need to be trimmed and I have no idea how to do it or when it should be done and the wood chips need to be redone in the worst way.

I’m tired and yet I don’t sleep well. I keep waking up and remembering that you’re gone all over again and then I’m sad again. And even when I do get a lot of sleep I still feel tired all day long. I walk around with an aching heart and pain and I just feel incredibly sad. I feel like part of me is ripped into two. I just wish that I could do something, anything, to bring you back to me again. Maybe that’s selfish of me, but I want you back.

I’m annoyed at the stupid dentist because they were supposed to do Mike’s appointments so it would all be done in two visits and they messed up and I have to go back for a third appointment. AND they can’t tell me why! ARRGGHH! That’s annoying…I’m sick of appointments. And speaking of appointments I have to meet with the lawyer next week Tuesday. Kathi is going to come with me because I keep forgetting things. We’re going to push for the land payments to get paid out and not go into the trust. It never should have been part of the trust and it should have been paid out in a timely matter so I’m going to fight that one. I have the kids to worry about now and I need to support them. I’m hoping ‘S’ won’t give me a hard time on that. I’m going to let Kathi try to handle that.

I brought in your radio and your charger from your phone and the death certificates to your work and got your last (maybe) check today. It was for a lot more than I thought it would be because they paid out your vacation pay. I wonder if they have to do that my law. It makes me really sad that they treated you so badly that you never felt like you could take a vacation. You almost had to beg to take time off. Even for your last vacation, ‘B’ was telling you that maybe you shouldn’t go on vacation. It was ridiculous that they didn’t even want you to take time off. I think your work schedule contributed to your death. You were SO stressed the last year and a half; I wish you would have taken more time off.

And you should be proud of me because I didn’t keep any of the kittens. I should just tell you it was because you said ‘no’ and I always listened to you, but you would laugh like crazy if I said that was the real reason. It just didn’t feel right. You didn’t want me to keep any and it would have seemed wrong to keep one because you weren’t here to tell me ‘no’. The guilt would have made me not enjoy the kitten. Maybe at some point in the future; it will be right to get another kitten, but not now.

Since I spent half the night talking to Jaki on Facebook, I should say good-night. Jaki really loved you. I hope you knew how much everyone loved you!

Love, your wife, Karyn

Monday, July 25, 2011

July 25, 2011

Well Bryan, we didn’t get to celebrate our anniversary. I’m sad about that. It was a tough ‘remembering’ day. I had a dream last night that you were alive again and I was excited that I got to talk to you. You were always so alive, so busy, you accomplished so much that I just can’t believe you’re not here. Yesterday I was taking a shower and my cell phone rang and I immediately thought, “Bryans calling me!” and then I remembered again and my heart hurt.

Last night I dreamed that you were alive. I got really excited and told you I had a car magazine that you hadn’t read yet. We talked for a while and then you told me you had to go again. I wanted to hold onto you and keep you here. I still can’t believe you’re gone! You were only 51; how could you just go to work and have a heart attack and die? You were young.

My Mom said Isaiah had fun at Vacation Bible School, but he was nervous and wanted her to stay with him so she did. He made up his bed really cute at their trailer. He had to bring two clocks along with him because one might not work. LOL He put his Daddy Puppet on the other bed with another sock puppet so you could be close to him. I thought that was pretty cute and sad at the same time. You’ve been gone too long already; I want you back here with the family that loved you so much.

Saturday I was packing Isaiah to go to Vacation Bible School and I made sure he had 5-6 of everything for the week and he didn’t have enough underwear and I told him I would wash the laundry so he would have underwear. He looked at me and kind of smirked and said, “I could go without underwear; it would be okay. I did that once before.” It was SOOO funny that I wanted to call you up to tell you about it. You would have laughed about it. I think he’s talking about the time you guys were in the truck and he wet his pants and he had run out of underwear. He says the funniest things.

Mom also said Christian was very quiet and she thinks he’s missing you. I think he is, too. He just has a lot of trouble talking about things. And she said Isaiah got up so early for Vacation Bible School that he fell asleep watching t.v. holding onto the remote! Mom said it looked like something you would do and it reminded her of you. And Jenn said Isaiah acts like a ‘Little Bryan’ with things he says and does. She said when he went swimming at her house; he asked her about the ‘water pressure’. He’s such a nut! It’s nice that a part of you is still here, but I want you back! I loved you so much!

I found out on Friday that you knew you didn’t feel good before you died. You were at Christenson’s in Detroit unloading a truck with help and you felt dizzy and lightheaded so you called Bernie and told him you weren’t sure you could get the load back to Grand Rapids. He told you to sit in the air conditioned truck since it was pretty hot out and he would call you back in a half hour. After about 15 minutes he started thinking that you never complained about not feeling good so he tried calling you and you didn’t answer. Margie said after about three phone calls that went unanswered he called Christenson’s and they said they had already called 911.

I don’t understand how a heart attack could come on so suddenly and why couldn’t they have found you in time? I wonder what your last thoughts were about. Did you think of me and the kids? Did you know how much we loved you? I wish I could have talked to you one more time before you left us. Why couldn’t God have given me that?

Anyway, I have uncharacteristically run out of things to say so I’ll say good night now.

I love you, your wife, Karyn

Saturday, July 23, 2011

July 23, 2011

Hi Bryan,

I suppose I should say something nice since I was mad at your yesterday. Well, actually I’m still mad at you and it makes me madder that I can’t talk to you about what I’m upset about. I guess I will have to process through my feelings and come to terms with my anger. I kind of feel like you let me down. Why did you lie to me?

It should be a normal day today. Instead I’m still just devastated, numb, and drained. You’re supposed to be at the lot right now with Isaiah. I kind of thought of taking him there, but I’m just too depressed and down to do anything. The thought of going there when you’re not there just makes me too sad. The day just drags on and on and I’ve wanted to call you about a dozen times. Isaiah said something really funny today that had me cracking up and I wanted to call and tell you about it. Who am I going to share these things with now? We loved Isaiah so much and he was supposed to be raised in a nice two-parent household. I was so happy that he was going to have a good childhood with a Mom and Dad who loved him and loved each other.

There were times that he talked about his Daddy and I would have to remind myself that it was okay for him to talk about Daddy and that I didn’t have to protect him from his Dad like I did with my three oldest kids. That was reassuring to me. It was nice to be a team with our son. You were so ‘hands on’ with him. You did so much with Christian and Mikeal, too, and they miss you a lot.

I’m not okay today and I don’t think I’ll be okay for a very long time. People keep asking how I am and I’m devastated so I just say, “terrible”. I don’t think I won’t be feeling awful for years. I can’t imagine not feeling anything except sad without you in my life. And I’m worried that I will be known as “that sad girl that you don’t want to talk to.” And what will I say if people ask if I’m married? THAT will be tough because I’m still your wife. I’m not single and if some guy tried to hit on me; he would get totally frozen out.

So, right now I’m thinking that God must hate me. I made sure to wait to find the right guy and then I waited to have kids and you were an awesome Father and yet you’re gone and I’m all by myself again. Why couldn’t I have that happy marriage that I wanted so badly for longer than 12 years? I did everything right this time and I followed God’s rules. I think I’m in a bitter mood tonight. I just want to turn back time and have you back here with me. I hope you always knew how very much I loved you. And I also discovered that when I’m doing intarsia I should use more bobbins and not strand black behind my white yarn. It’s showing in two places; I guess that’s what I get for being lazy. I guess I’ll get my bobbins out for the next fair isle project I do. I know you care about hearing that. LOL

I think I’m just especially sad today because it’s our anniversary tomorrow. It would have been 12 years. I have very few regrets about our time together. We weren’t a perfect couple, but we loved each other and we were dedicated to each other. We had a strong commitment to one another and to our children. Maybe everyone is tired of hearing that, but it’s true. Even when times were tough, we hung in there and honored our marriage vows. I’m not sure HOW to go on without you because our lives were so enmeshed with each other. It’s like we were the strands of a fabric woven together; how does one unweave a fabric that’s woven together?

I was sad tonight and told Isaiah I was sad and missed Daddy and then he was sad and I felt bad. He went and got the puppet that he named, “Daddy” and told me I could talk to him. Then I really DID cry! Then he took “Daddy” back and went and laid down with him. It was the saddest thing ever. I’m going to have to try really hard not to make Isaiah feel sad about things. He’s so little that I just don’t think he understands things. He wants to know how you fit in the box and why I didn’t want to see the box get put in the ground. He says you were tall and you wouldn’t be able to fit in that box. He’s just a little boy that loved his Daddy; why did you have to go away? I finally did everything ‘right’ and yet I’m still in the same place I was before. This has just been a sad, sad, very sad day for me and I think I will have a lot more of them.

That’s all for tonight because once again I’m just too sad to write anything else.

Love, your wife, Karyn

Friday, July 22, 2011

July 22, 2011

Hi Bryan,

I’m a little annoyed with you right now because I found out something about you. Honestly, it makes me quite angry and it makes me even angrier that I can’t talk to you about it, either. I’m really ticked about it and I’m more ticked because we always talked things out. I’m sure we would have worked it out, but I’d like to yell at you about it right now. Ooops, I mean, talk to you about it. Of course, that’s what I mean.

I’m not feeling very cheerful tonight at all. I have bills to pay and crap to navigate and I have to do it all alone. I wish you were here so I wouldn’t have to navigate all of this stuff by myself. My sister and I have to meet with the lawyer that drew up your will and trust next week. It will be good to know where I stand financially. I’m worried about paying bills and it will be nice to know where things are at. At then I feel awful that I have to worry about bills and finances when you’re not here anymore. I just want you back! I’m going to push for the land payments to get paid out instead of becoming part of the trust because it never should have been part of the trust. I’m hoping the lawyer agrees with me and that I won’t have to get a lawyer involved. THAT could certainly make for some tense family gatherings if I had to do that! I need to take care of my family, though, and the money owed would do that for a long time. I guess I’ll have to play ‘hard ball’ if push comes to shove.

I’m worried that I will either be known as ‘that sad girl who sits in the corner’ or people will avoid me. I already see some people kind of look like they’re afraid to talk to me. I know I’m sad and grief-stricken; I just don’t know if everyone else can see that. I mean, I don’t feel normal at all; I just feel sad and down. I feel like I’m barely functioning right now.

I had a nice talk with your parents today. Your Dad was talking about how talented you were with creating pieces of equipment and how you could fix anything. I have to agree with him; you could fix just about anything! I told your Dad that I wanted you back and I would get you back if I could and he said he would, too. Everyone misses you so much. What worries me the most is that they will forget about you and go on with their lives and they will just expect me to be okay.

This surreal feeling just sticks with me. I hope you always knew how much I loved you and that you loved me as much. I already think that some people will cease to be friends with me. I know I’m not going to just ‘bounce back’ from this. I was part of a couple, a team, and now everything is changed and I can’t just go on with my life like nothing happened. Someone actually said to me today, “I haven’t heard from you much this week.” Oh, you think everything is okay now, duh…That probably isn’t nice for me to say, but it’s how I feel. How can they think that I’m just going to want to chat on the phone about little things when my husband died suddenly and my world has been turned upside-down?

That might sound bitchy, but it’s how I feel. I think you would understand that if you were here. I would tell you about how I was annoyed with someone and you would listen and say you understood what I was talking about and you would say you loved me. I would give anything to have you walk in the door again. Isaiah usually looked up and said, “Hi Daddy!” and you would say, “Hi punk” and he would run up and give you a hug. I’m so worried that he will forget about you. He’s so little to be without his Daddy.

I’m happy that I was able to find the decorative plate that Christian broke on E-bay for about $16.00 and that includes shipping. I hope he doesn’t break another one because I’m getting tired of fixing and buying new things for what he breaks. He needs to slow down some and think a little bit more. I also bought two Mrs. Pollifax books on E-bay. I truly think you missed out a lot by not being a reader. There is a lot of joy to be found in books.

I’m also wondering what you’re looking at right now. Are you looking into the eyes of Jesus? Are you playing with Moriah or getting to know my Grandparents? Are there old cars in Heaven? Are you talking with your Grandparents? Are you playing with the two little ones we lost? And what would you say to me right now about how I should live my life? That was a big complaint I had about you; you were kind of lukewarm about your faith. I never understood how you could be on fire about other things and so ‘meh’ about God and your faith. I mean, I know you believed, but you were so quiet about things. Did you have great joy and you just didn’t show it? I honestly don’t know and I find that quite sad. What were you afraid of?

I wonder what you would say to me now about God if you could. What would you tell me to do? How would you tell me to live my life? What would you tell me to do with the kids? I know you’re in the glory of God, but I still want you here with me! I just can’t figure out why you had to die. Why was it your time when you were so young? What is God’s plan in all of this? I mean, last year your Dad was so sick and he survived so why couldn’t they find you in time to save you? Why couldn’t I have seen you one more time? I just don’t understand that and my brain still can’t wrap around the fact that you’re gone. Gone is so final. I just can’t imagine ever being happy about anything again; life just seems so sad.

I guess that’s all for tonight since I’m just too sad to write anything else.

Your wife, Karyn

July 21, 2011

Dear Bryan,

I was watching Bones tonight and Hodgins said to Angela, “I’m your guy”, you were always my guy and I loved it. I loved knowing that we were a couple. Are you tired of hearing that yet? I hope not because I’m not tired of saying it yet. I used to always tell you that you were my sexy man and you just laughed. And you totally cracked up when you got new underwear and I wanted to jump you when you had them on. LOL Maybe everyone else doesn’t want to hear that, but it’s true. Things like that embarrassed you a lot. I still can’t figure out why, though. And I’m quite sure you would like me telling everyone about this, too! Try to stop me. Ha, ha, ha…

Today wasn’t a good day. Actually, NO day has been a good day since you left. I’m not sure I’ll ever have a good day again because I loved you SOOO much. I think when a couple is married for a long time; it’s easy to just feel comfortable with the other person and to forget how much that person actually means to them. You meant SO much to me and your loss is felt by me every day. My heart physically aches and it’s hard to breathe a lot. I think if someone looks at me; they should be able to see my heart bleeding because that’s what it feels like it’s doing.

I’m wondering when food will look good again. If it’s when I’m 25 pounds lighter than now, that’s okay! I can handle that. The not sleeping is what bothers me a lot more. I just cannot sleep and sometimes I wake up and I’m shaking. I’ve never had anything like that happen before. And sometimes I flash back to when Robyn told me about you and I relive that awful day all over again. We were supposed to be going out for our Anniversary tomorrow instead of me dealing with insurance issues and social security and lawyers and having to write up a will for myself.

I’m making myself do things, but I would really rather spend all day in bed. I just want to curl up and cry and cry and cry. It is way too hard to think about spending the rest of my life alone. In fact, the depths of my feelings toward you astonish me. Since you weren’t sick and we were both young, it never occurred to me that you might die. I thought we would have at least another 30 years together. When your Dad was really sick last spring and summer, I was thinking he might die and THAT made me very sad because I really like your Dad, but I never, ever thought you might die.

I’d like to know what God was thinking. Why would he let you die? It just doesn’t seem right. You were a good Father and a good husband and my best friend. I’d like you here right now because Isaiah is making me crazy! I would send him off with you in the truck and you and he would have a great time together. He was your little buddy and I know he misses you.

Since I fell asleep last night I didn’t get a chance to finish this! I guess I just keep writing today’s installment. Love forever, your wife, Karyn

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

July 20, 2011 Late evening

Wednesday, July 20,2011 Late Evening

Well, Bry, right now, just for the moment I’m pretending that everything is okay. I’m pretending that you’re in your truck and we just can’t talk on the phone right now. Tiffany likes to do things like that. I don’t think it’s healthy for the long-run, but right now; it’s helping me cope because otherwise I would fall to pieces. How could you be gone? You were just here. How could it be over that quickly? I’m right back to the, “We were supposed to grow old together…” feelings. I just can’t believe that I won’t ever see you again.

I guess maybe people are tired of reading that, but it’s SOOO true! You meant so much to me and I hope I told you that enough. It’s so tough for my brain to try to process everything. I think I’m on overload right now. The thoughts swirl around my brain and it is so hard for me to try to organize them.

Shirley wanted me to come in there today to go over some insurance stuff and I just couldn’t deal with it. It was too much too soon. I already had to open two new savings accounts and go to social security and call about your credit card statement today and that was just one more thing to deal with. I don’t think she understood it. I think her personality is just different than mine. It is so difficult to deal with all of my emotions and trying to handle the fact that you won’t ever be coming home again. It’s still totally unfathomable to me! I think the word, surreal pretty much describes how I’m feeling.

I have had grief overwhelm me before, but I’ve never had the sadness and grief overwhelm me as much or as deeply as your death has affected me. Your loss cuts me at a deep, deep level; deeper than any level I’ve ever felt before. It is like my heart is broken and bleeding. I don’t want to over share here since this is a public blog, but the last time we were intimate; you held me really tight and said, “I love you so much” with lots of emotion and I knew you meant it. I am carrying those words around with me now. They comfort me when I’m feeling low; which is all the time.

I’ve been thinking about one of our first dates; I think it was the second or third one, at Red Lobster. We had a very nice dinner with good conversation. On our way home we took 28^th Street and we needed to turn right on East Beltline. I thought we were almost to East Beltline and I said, “Don’t you need to turn up here?” and you said no that wasn’t the right street yet. I said, “Are you sure?” and then I kind of flinched because I figured I was in for it. Then I remembered that I was with you and not with my ex-husband. One never questioned my ex. If I had said that to him I would have gotten a, “Do you think I don’t know how to drive? Fuck you, bitch.” You never acted like that toward me and you’ve made me a stronger person. I honestly couldn’t believe that you loved me that much. What did I do to get lucky enough to get you?

Sadly enough, later on you had the same types of things and reactions with me. More than once when I leaned over you and you weren’t expecting it; you flinched. Your evil ex used to hit you for no reason at all. I’m so glad that we never treated each other like that. Sure, we got mad at each other at times, but we never got to that low, name-calling, mean level. I think the worst thing you ever called me was ‘Sue’ once. You only did THAT once. LOL

I am learning that I need to take day by day and at times hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. Things are THAT hard right now! I think I’m still in shock. We weren’t perfect, but we had a happy life. I once told you that you were like a comfortable pair of shoes. I think we ‘fit’ together pretty good. I loved looking out in the garage and seeing you working on something. Oftentimes it was something for your brother, Bruce. He came up with the wildest welding ideas for you and you were always game to try them. I loved that about you; you could usually figure out a way to get whatever he wanted done.

You were the most talented guy I’ve ever met with fixing or creating things. You Dad once said that you weren’t much for ‘book learning, but you could fix anything and you could. I know I’ve mentioned that before, but you impressed me SO much with what you fixed and did. One time I took Solomon to a chinchilla show and when I came home you were in the upstairs bathroom putting in a new vent and sinks and faucets. It looked so nice! I was always convinced that you could fix anything or do anything. You put the electricity in the upstairs ceilings because it had never been done and when we put the room in the basement you did it all; electricity, paneling, digging the big hole for the egress window; everything. And when I used to tell you how talented you were, you would just laugh about it and brush it off. I think for you; it was just normal to ‘McGyver’ something.

Your friends gave you a sign that says, ‘McGyver’s Shop’ and you didn’t think I would let you hang it on our garage when we got married. Of course, I didn’t care; I thought the sign was cool. And over the years you proved to me over and over again how much like McGyver you were. I think I will treasure the sign forever. I always liked seeing it on the garage.

I think one of the things that I’m most afraid of is doing everything on my own. Will others get sick and tired of helping me out with things and stop coming over? Will I be able to count on Solomon to do things? He can be quite lazy at times so will he continue to help out? I’m not sure. And I have my eye on him; he’s only here on a trial basis right now. I used to think that you really loved me because you stuck with me through the difficult ‘Solomon years’. You were either dedicated, dumb, or you loved me like crazy. Hopefully it was because you were dedicated and you loved me.

I think when people have been through marriages as awful as ours were; it’s tough to really believe that someone will be with you for the long haul. At least, it was for me. I would often think that I was sooo lucky to have you in my life. I told you all the time to take good care of yourself because I didn’t want to raise the kids all alone. It terrifies me to think that I have to finish raising the kids alone. Can you get God’s ear for me and ask him to have the kids behave because when I think about how many years I have left to raise the kids; I feel totally overwhelmed. I did everything ‘right’ this time and yet I’m alone again.

Does that sound whiney? I hope not because it kind of felt whiny. This is just SO much to deal with right now. It’s just incredible to me that you were here one day and dead of a heart attack the next day. I’m just still in shock that the person I loved so much isn’t here anymore. We were supposed to be going out to dinner together this weekend for our anniversary. I think I will quietly celebrate it by myself and think about the wonderful years we had together. When I was crying and saying that we were supposed to grow old together, Robyn told me that she knew we would have done just that. I thought that was nice of her to say. My sister-in-law, Jennifer, likes to say that her and my brother, Mark, are soul-mates. I never thought of things like that, but I thought we did get along pretty well with each other. We didn’t argue very much even though we didn’t agree on everything.

My mind just can’t grasp the fact that you’re gone. Gone is so final; how can you be gone? We had plans, we had so many things that we were going to do together yet, how can you be gone? I just can’t wrap my brain around the fact. I love you too much for you to leave me and our children. My Mom told me today that her and Dad like to ‘fix things’ and help people and there isn’t any way to fix this one. She told me she would fix it for me if she could. I wish she could.

That’s all for tonight.

I love you, your wife, Karyn

July 20, 2011

Hi Bry,

I’m still totally in shock. I just can’t believe that you’re gone. I’m still thinking you will walk through the door at any minute. I miss your smile and your phone calls and your sense of humor. Isaiah asked me today if I ate food before his Daddy died. Yeah, honey, I used to. Now I look at food and it has NO interest and I just can’t eat. At this rate, I might not have to join Weight Watchers after all.

Isaiah is cute, but he was WHINY today. I turned the air on and I’m glad I did because it is HOT here. I’m hoping that’s why he was so whiny. Or it could be due to the fact that he ate crap all day long. I just wasn’t on the ball with that one today. I bought him a mocha while Mike was at the dentist getting her teeth drilled today. I’m not sure why she doesn’t listen to me and just do what she’s supposed to do. That girl has to learn everything the hard way. She got 4 fillings done today and she has 5 more to go. Those will get filled next week Tuesday. I don’t feel that bad for her because she doesn’t like to listen to me. What kid just decides not to brush their teeth?

I had to do some yard work because the yard looked AWFUL and you would have hated it. Now I have to figure out what normal people do with their yard clippings. I had to get some gloves out of the front closet and I saw your jean coat hanging up and it made me sad all over again. I’m wondering what I’ll do when I see other things of yours. Oh, and I stupidly played a song that we were singing when we were on vacation. It just made me sad.

At this point, I’m wondering how long this will seem unreal to me. Will getting your death certificate make it real? Will time make it seem real? Right now, it all just seems awful. We were supposed to be going out for our anniversary this weekend. How can you be gone? How can I live with the fact that I will never hear your voice again or see you smile at me? The thought is unfathomable to me. I just can’t wrap my brain around it.

Dad referred to me as a widow to someone else and I didn’t like it at all. I’m not a widow; I’m your wife. I always liked being your wife and I liked it when you introduced you as your wife. Sometimes you would jokingly refer to me as ‘the other half’ and I liked that, too. I think we made a good team. Widows aren’t teams. It hurts to even WRITE that word. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think something like this would happen. I finally changed my name at the social security office, too. It would have hurt WAYY too much to have anything come with just Karyn Nardin written on it. It was about time for me to change it.

Some days I wake up and I’m right back to when I was woken up out of a deep sleep when I was told you were gone. How could you be gone? I had just talked to you the day before. Thursday you were here and then Friday you’re gone? That just isn’t right. I think I’m still in shock. I barely function and if it wasn’t for Isaiah; I doubt I would even get out of bed.

I go through the motions, but I’m not really there. I’m barely there. I’m just a shell of my former self. I can barely knit and my brain is just gone. A few days ago I went to make myself some coffee and I put the water through and I had forgotten to put the coffee grounds in. Then I thought I had forgotten to put the water through and I did it again! Today I filled the pot up with water and then forgot to pour it in. I’m so afraid I’m going to forget something that I wrote out 4 or 5 bills early and mailed them out today. My brain is just in a fog and I like I’m in an awful dream and I just can’t wake up from it. If I wake up from it, will you be back with me again?

Right now, I can’t even knit. I’m lucky if I manage to knit a few rows a day. And I’m wondering why I’m even bothering to watch Law & Order because I can’t concentrate on what I’m watching and then half of the show goes by and I realize I’m not even sure what I saw. I think I’m going to rewatch them all at some point because heck if I know what I saw. I just sit and don’t feel much of anything. It’s like nothing matters at all anymore.

I guess I really should tell everyone about our first date. You already know about it, but you can read along anyway. First of all, you were a single’s ad. That totally pissed your evil ex-wife off and she called it several times. This was back before the big days of the internet (I didn’t even have a computer back then!) so it was in our paper. I happened to have a copy that was older and I called a few up. You happened to call me back and we talked twice or three times and then we met. I was hoping you weren’t going to be huge or nasty looking because I liked your voice on the phone. I loved how you said, “Hello.” You always thought I was funny when I said that to you, but I always thought you had a very sexy voice.

Anyway, we planned to meet for coffee at Arnies. I only found out later on that you didn’t drink coffee. You weren’t bad looking, but honestly I wouldn’t have picked you out in a group of people because I always went for the Pierce Bronson look; guys with really dark eyes and dark hair and your eyes were light brown and you had light brown hair. You had me go first to the table and you told me later it was so you could check my butt out! Actually, statements like that weren’t typical of you because you were always very polite and pretty shy. You asked me if I had eaten dinner yet and when I said ‘no’ you asked if I wanted dinner. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to pay for it since we had just met and I said so to you. You told me that you wanted to pay for dinner and I was very impressed.

I kind of knew I was in trouble when you kept looking at me the way Mark looks at Jenn. For those who don’t know; Mark is my younger brother and Jenn is his wife. My daughter, Tiffany, and I noticed early on that he was always staring at her and looking into her eyes. You kept looking at me like that all through dinner. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about you and I definitely didn’t want to get hooked if we didn’t have the same things in common so we talked about that during dinner. I told you that I didn’t want to get emotionally attached to someone before I got to know if we had the same things in common with each other.

You told me later that you didn’t want to scare me off so you tread lightly in that area. That is mostly why you took 5 dates before you finally kissed me! I made you really nervous and you actually came over once and told me your hand was shaking and it was! While that didn’t impress me at all; I thought it was pretty sweet and it showed that you had a lot of respect for me. I liked that about you. And you impressed me SO much when you fixed the brakes on my car. I was a single parent with three little kids and I was so worried about my van because I needed to get to work. You told me not to worry and you couldn’t figure out why I was crying in the kitchen. I bought the brake parts and you fixed it and I was totally hooked on you after that! Of course, I was pretty hooked on you before that, but that REALLY cemented me to you.

I’ve always thought that Mark and Jenn’s wedding was good luck for me and us. I caught the bouquet at their wedding in May and I met you the first Friday in December the same year. We got engaged the end of February 1999 and we were married July 24, 1999. We just knew that we were right for each other and we didn’t want to live without each other. Neither one of us believed in just living with each other so getting married was the logical next step. I know I didn’t want to live without you by my side. You told me later on that you never would have just lived with you and that it wouldn’t have been right. I loved that about you; you were an honorable man.

And now, here I am, alone again after 12 years together. Honestly, they were the best 12 years of my entire life. I remember when we were first married I would say something to you about something and then I would remember that I hadn’t known you at the time! I just seemed like I knew you forever. I couldn’t believe that I was lucky enough to find someone as wonderful as you. I remember how incredibly happy I was when we had been married for 10 years because it was 10 mostly good years. No marriage is without its trials, but most of our first 10 years together was good. We had lots of fun and I knew if I was down; that you were there for me. You would say, “Karyn, don’t listen to them; they’re wrong” and I knew you were in my corner and you were mine and I was happy.

I used to tell you all the time how I was glad we were a team. You would do something disgusting and I would call you a pig and you would laugh. I loved how we laughed together. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating that I love how you ‘got’ me. You didn’t cut me down when I was upset about things and you were right in the corner with me helping me out. When we were at my brother and SIL’s house on vacation we were in a bedroom that walked through into the bathroom and there were two fuzzy, white robes hanging on the door from a hook. I said, “Do you think Jenn would notice if I took one?” and you laughed and said, “Maybe it’s complimentary” and then you said, “Maybe it’s like a hotel and it will show up on our bill.” I LOVED how we laughed about things like that together. It made life with you so much fun.

I just saw an interview done with Patrick Swazye’s widow and she said she thought she was prepared for her husband’s death since he had been sick, but she really wasn’t prepared when it happened. She said her sadness at the loss of her spouse was on a cellular level and I could SO relate to that. She said when the grief takes over it’s like her body isn’t her own and I can relate to that, too. The sadness I feel at your loss is deeper than anything that I’ve ever experienced before in my life and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through it.

Well, since I’m depressing myself; I’m going to close now.

Love forever, your wife, Karyn