July 20, 2011 Late evening

Wednesday, July 20,2011 Late Evening

            Well, Bry, right now, just for the moment I’m pretending that everything is okay.  I’m pretending that you’re in your truck and we just can’t talk on the phone right now.  Tiffany likes to do things like that.  I don’t think it’s healthy for the long-run, but right now; it’s helping me cope because otherwise I would fall to pieces.  How could you be gone?  You were just here.  How could it be over that quickly?  I’m right back to the, “We were supposed to grow old together…” feelings.  I just can’t believe that I won’t ever see you again.

            I guess maybe people are tired of reading that, but it’s SOOO true!  You meant so much to me and I hope I told you that enough.  It’s so tough for my brain to try to process everything.  I think I’m on overload right now.  The thoughts swirl around my brain and it is so hard for me to try to organize them.

            Shirley wanted me to come in there today to go over some insurance stuff and I just couldn’t deal with it.  It was too much too soon.  I already had to open two new savings accounts and go to social security and call about your credit card statement today and that was just one more thing to deal with.  I don’t think she understood it.  I think her personality is just different than mine.  It is so difficult to deal with all of my emotions and trying to handle the fact that you won’t ever be coming home again.  It’s still totally unfathomable to me!  I think the word, surreal pretty much describes how I’m feeling.

            I have had grief overwhelm me before, but I’ve never had the sadness and grief overwhelm me as much or as deeply as your death has affected me.  Your loss cuts me at a deep, deep level; deeper than any level I’ve ever felt before.  It is like my heart is broken and bleeding.  I don’t want to over share here since this is a public blog, but the last time we were intimate; you held me really tight and said, “I love you so much” with lots of emotion and I knew you meant it.  I am carrying those words around with me now.  They comfort me when I’m feeling low; which is all the time.

            I’ve been thinking about one of our first dates; I think it was the second or third one, at Red Lobster.  We had a very nice dinner with good conversation.  On our way home we took 28^th Street and we needed to turn right on East Beltline.  I thought we were almost to East Beltline and I said, “Don’t you need to turn up here?” and you said no that wasn’t the right street yet.  I said, “Are you sure?” and then I kind of flinched because I figured I was in for it.  Then I remembered that I was with you and not with my ex-husband.  One never questioned my ex.  If I had said that to him I would have gotten a, “Do you think I don’t know how to drive?  Fuck you, bitch.”  You never acted like that toward me and you’ve made me a stronger person.  I honestly couldn’t believe that you loved me that much.  What did I do to get lucky enough to get you?

            Sadly enough, later on you had the same types of things and reactions with me.  More than once when I leaned over you and you weren’t expecting it; you flinched.  Your evil ex used to hit you for no reason at all.  I’m so glad that we never treated each other like that.  Sure, we got mad at each other at times, but we never got to that low, name-calling, mean level.  I think the worst thing you ever called me was ‘Sue’ once.  You only did THAT once.  LOL

            I am learning that I need to take day by day and at times hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute.  Things are THAT hard right now!  I think I’m still in shock.  We weren’t perfect, but we had a happy life.  I once told you that you were like a comfortable pair of shoes.  I think we ‘fit’ together pretty good.  I loved looking out in the garage and seeing you working on something.  Oftentimes it was something for your brother, Bruce.  He came up with the wildest welding ideas for you and you were always game to try them.  I loved that about you; you could usually figure out a way to get whatever he wanted done. 

            You were the most talented guy I’ve ever met with fixing or creating things.  You Dad once said that you weren’t much for ‘book learning, but you could fix anything and you could.  I know I’ve mentioned that before, but you impressed me SO much with what you fixed and did.  One time I took Solomon to a chinchilla show and when I came home you were in the upstairs bathroom putting in a new vent and sinks and faucets.  It looked so nice!  I was always convinced that you could fix anything or do anything.  You put the electricity in the upstairs ceilings because it had never been done and when we put the room in the basement you did it all; electricity, paneling, digging the big hole for the egress window; everything.  And when I used to tell you how talented you were, you would just laugh about it and brush it off.  I think for you; it was just normal to ‘McGyver’ something. 

Your friends gave you a sign that says, ‘McGyver’s Shop’ and you didn’t think I would let you hang it on our garage when we got married.  Of course, I didn’t care; I thought the sign was cool.  And over the years you proved to me over and over again how much like McGyver you were.  I think I will treasure the sign forever.  I always liked seeing it on the garage.

I think one of the things that I’m most afraid of is doing everything on my own.  Will others get sick and tired of helping me out with things and stop coming over?  Will I be able to count on Solomon to do things?  He can be quite lazy at times so will he continue to help out?  I’m not sure.  And I have my eye on him; he’s only here on a trial basis right now.  I used to think that you really loved me because you stuck with me through the difficult ‘Solomon years’.  You were either dedicated, dumb, or you loved me like crazy.  Hopefully it was because you were dedicated and you loved me.

I think when people have been through marriages as awful as ours were; it’s tough to really believe that someone will be with you for the long haul.  At least, it was for me.  I would often think that I was sooo lucky to have you in my life.  I told you all the time to take good care of yourself because I didn’t want to raise the kids all alone.  It terrifies me to think that I have to finish raising the kids alone.  Can you get God’s ear for me and ask him to have the kids behave because when I think about how many years I have left to raise the kids; I feel totally overwhelmed.  I did everything ‘right’ this time and yet I’m alone again.

Does that sound whiney?  I hope not because it kind of felt whiny.  This is just SO much to deal with right now.  It’s just incredible to me that you were here one day and dead of a heart attack the next day.  I’m just still in shock that the person I loved so much isn’t here anymore.  We were supposed to be going out to dinner together this weekend for our anniversary.  I think I will quietly celebrate it by myself and think about the wonderful years we had together.  When I was crying and saying that we were supposed to grow old together, Robyn told me that she knew we would have done just that.  I thought that was nice of her to say.  My sister-in-law, Jennifer, likes to say that her and my brother, Mark, are soul-mates.  I never thought of things like that, but I thought we did get along pretty well with each other.  We didn’t argue very much even though we didn’t agree on everything.

My mind just can’t grasp the fact that you’re gone.  Gone is so final; how can you be gone?  We had plans, we had so many things that we were going to do together yet, how can you be gone?  I just can’t wrap my brain around the fact.  I love you too much for you to leave me and our children.  My Mom told me today that her and Dad like to ‘fix things’ and help people and there isn’t any way to fix this one.  She told me she would fix it for me if she could.  I wish she could.

That’s all for tonight. 

I love you, your wife, Karyn