July 22, 2011

July 22, 2011

            Hi Bryan,

            I’m a little annoyed with you right now because I found out something about you.  Honestly, it makes me quite angry and it makes me even angrier that I can’t talk to you about it, either.  I’m really ticked about it and I’m more ticked because we always talked things out.  I’m sure we would have worked it out, but I’d like to yell at you about it right now.  Ooops, I mean, talk to you about it.  Of course, that’s what I mean.

            I’m not feeling very cheerful tonight at all.  I have bills to pay and crap to navigate and I have to do it all alone.  I wish you were here so I wouldn’t have to navigate all of this stuff by myself.  My sister and I have to meet with the lawyer that drew up your will and trust next week.  It will be good to know where I stand financially.  I’m worried about paying bills and it will be nice to know where things are at.  At then I feel awful that I have to worry about bills and finances when you’re not here anymore.  I just want you back!  I’m going to push for the land payments to get paid out instead of becoming part of the trust because it never should have been part of the trust.  I’m hoping the lawyer agrees with me and that I won’t have to get a lawyer involved.  THAT could certainly make for some tense family gatherings if I had to do that!  I need to take care of my family, though, and the money owed would do that for a long time.  I guess I’ll have to play ‘hard ball’ if push comes to shove. 

            I’m worried that I will either be known as ‘that sad girl who sits in the corner’ or people will avoid me.  I already see some people kind of look like they’re afraid to talk to me.  I know I’m sad and grief-stricken; I just don’t know if everyone else can see that.  I mean, I don’t feel normal at all; I just feel sad and down.  I feel like I’m barely functioning right now. 

            I had a nice talk with your parents today.  Your Dad was talking about how talented you were with creating pieces of equipment and how you could fix anything.  I have to agree with him; you could fix just about anything!   I told your Dad that I wanted you back and I would get you back if I could and he said he would, too.  Everyone misses you so much.   What worries me the most is that they will forget about you and go on with their lives and they will just expect me to be okay.

            This surreal feeling just sticks with me.  I hope you always knew how much I loved you and that you loved me as much.  I already think that some people will cease to be friends with me.  I know I’m not going to just ‘bounce back’ from this.  I was part of a couple, a team, and now everything is changed and I can’t just go on with my life like nothing happened.  Someone actually said to me today, “I haven’t heard from you much this week.”  Oh, you think everything is okay now, duh…That probably isn’t nice for me to say, but it’s how I feel.  How can they think that I’m just going to want to chat on the phone about little things when my husband died suddenly and my world has been turned upside-down?

            That might sound bitchy, but it’s how I feel.  I think you would understand that if you were here.   I would tell you about how I was annoyed with someone and you would listen and say you understood what I was talking about and you would say you loved me.  I would give anything to have you walk in the door again.  Isaiah usually looked up and said, “Hi Daddy!” and you would say, “Hi punk” and he would run up and give you a hug.  I’m so worried that he will forget about you.  He’s so little to be without his Daddy.

            I’m happy that I was able to find the decorative plate that Christian broke on E-bay for about $16.00 and that includes shipping.  I hope he doesn’t break another one because I’m getting tired of fixing and buying new things for what he breaks.  He needs to slow down some and think a little bit more.  I also bought two Mrs. Pollifax books on E-bay.  I truly think you missed out a lot by not being a reader.  There is a lot of joy to be found in books.

            I’m also wondering what you’re looking at right now.  Are you looking into the eyes of Jesus?  Are you playing with Moriah or getting to know my Grandparents?  Are there old cars in Heaven?  Are you talking with your Grandparents?  Are you playing with the two little ones we lost?  And what would you say to me right now about how I should live my life?  That was a big complaint I had about you; you were kind of lukewarm about your faith.  I never understood how you could be on fire about other things and so ‘meh’ about God and your faith.  I mean, I know you believed, but you were so quiet about things.  Did you have great joy and you just didn’t show it?  I honestly don’t know and I find that quite sad.  What were you afraid of?

            I wonder what you would say to me now about God if you could.  What would you tell me to do?  How would you tell me to live my life?  What would you tell me to do with the kids?  I know you’re in the glory of God, but I still want you here with me!  I just can’t figure out why you had to die.  Why was it your time when you were so young?  What is God’s plan in all of this?  I mean, last year your Dad was so sick and he survived so why couldn’t they find you in time to save you?  Why couldn’t I have seen you one more time?  I just don’t understand that and my brain still can’t wrap around the fact that you’re gone.  Gone is so final.  I just can’t imagine ever being happy about anything again; life just seems so sad.

            I guess that’s all for tonight since I’m just too sad to write anything else.

            Your wife, Karyn