July 23, 2011

July 23, 2011

            Hi Bryan,

            I suppose I should say something nice since I was mad at your yesterday.  Well, actually I’m still mad at you and it makes me madder that I can’t talk to you about what I’m upset about.  I guess I will have to process through my feelings and come to terms with my anger.  I kind of feel like you let me down.  Why did you lie to me?

            It should be a normal day today.  Instead I’m still just devastated, numb, and drained.  You’re supposed to be at the lot right now with Isaiah.  I kind of thought of taking him there, but I’m just too depressed and down to do anything.  The thought of going there when you’re not there just makes me too sad.  The day just drags on and on and I’ve wanted to call you about a dozen times.  Isaiah said something really funny today that had me cracking up and I wanted to call and tell you about it.  Who am I going to share these things with now?  We loved Isaiah so much and he was supposed to be raised in a nice two-parent household.  I was so happy that he was going to have a good childhood with a Mom and Dad who loved him and loved each other.

            There were times that he talked about his Daddy and I would have to remind myself that it was okay for him to talk about Daddy and that I didn’t have to protect him from his Dad like I did with my three oldest kids.  That was reassuring to me.  It was nice to be a team with our son.  You were so ‘hands on’ with him.  You did so much with Christian and Mikeal, too, and they miss you a lot.

            I’m not okay today and I don’t think I’ll be okay for a very long time.  People keep asking how I am and I’m devastated so I just say, “terrible”.  I don’t think I won’t be feeling awful for years.  I can’t imagine not feeling anything except sad without you in my life.  And I’m worried that I will be known as “that sad girl that you don’t want to talk to.”  And what will I say if people ask if I’m married?  THAT will be tough because I’m still your wife.  I’m not single and if some guy tried to hit on me; he would get totally frozen out.

            So, right now I’m thinking that God must hate me.  I made sure to wait to find the right guy and then I waited to have kids and you were an awesome Father and yet you’re gone and I’m all by myself again.  Why couldn’t I have that happy marriage that I wanted so badly for longer than 12 years?  I did everything right this time and I followed God’s rules.  I think I’m in a bitter mood tonight.  I just want to turn back time and have you back here with me.  I hope you always knew how very much I loved you.  And I also discovered that when I’m doing intarsia I should use more bobbins and not strand black behind my white yarn.  It’s showing in two places; I guess that’s what I get for being lazy.  I guess I’ll get my bobbins out for the next fair isle project I do. I know you care about hearing that.  LOL

            I think I’m just especially sad today because it’s our anniversary tomorrow.  It would have been 12 years.  I have very few regrets about our time together.  We weren’t a perfect couple, but we loved each other and we were dedicated to each other.  We had a strong commitment to one another and to our children.  Maybe everyone is tired of hearing that, but it’s true.  Even when times were tough, we hung in there and honored our marriage vows.  I’m not sure HOW to go on without you because our lives were so enmeshed with each other.  It’s like we were the strands of a fabric woven together; how does one unweave a fabric that’s woven together?        

            I was sad tonight and told Isaiah I was sad and missed Daddy and then he was sad and I felt bad.  He went and got the puppet that he named, “Daddy” and told me I could talk to him.  Then I really DID cry!  Then he took “Daddy” back and went and laid down with him.  It was the saddest thing ever.  I’m going to have to try really hard not to make Isaiah feel sad about things.  He’s so little that I just don’t think he understands things.  He wants to know how you fit in the box and why I didn’t want to see the box get put in the ground.  He says you were tall and you wouldn’t be able to fit in that box.  He’s just a little boy that loved his Daddy; why did you have to go away?  I finally did everything ‘right’ and yet I’m still in the same place I was before.  This has just been a sad, sad, very sad day for me and I think I will have a lot more of them.

            That’s all for tonight because once again I’m just too sad to write anything else.

            Love, your wife, Karyn