July 25, 2011

July 25, 2011

            Well Bryan, we didn’t get to celebrate our anniversary.  I’m sad about that.  It was a tough ‘remembering’ day.  I had a dream last night that you were alive again and I was excited that I got to talk to you.  You were always so alive, so busy, you accomplished so much that I just can’t believe you’re not here.  Yesterday I was taking a shower and my cell phone rang and I immediately thought, “Bryans calling me!” and then I remembered again and my heart hurt.

            Last night I dreamed that you were alive.  I got really excited and told you I had a car magazine that you hadn’t read yet.  We talked for a while and then you told me you had to go again.  I wanted to hold onto you and keep you here.  I still can’t believe you’re gone!  You were only 51; how could you just go to work and have a heart attack and die?  You were young.

            My Mom said Isaiah had fun at Vacation Bible School, but he was nervous and wanted her to stay with him so she did.  He made up his bed really cute at their trailer.  He had to bring two clocks along with him because one might not work.  LOL  He put his Daddy Puppet on the other bed with another sock puppet so you could be close to him.  I thought that was pretty cute and sad at the same time.  You’ve been gone too long already; I want you back here with the family that loved you so much.

            Saturday I was packing Isaiah to go to Vacation Bible School and I made sure he had 5-6 of everything for the week and he didn’t have enough underwear and I told him I would wash the laundry so he would have underwear.  He looked at me and kind of smirked and said, “I could go without underwear; it would be okay.  I did that once before.”  It was SOOO funny that I wanted to call you up to tell you about it.  You would have laughed about it.  I think he’s talking about the time you guys were in the truck and he wet his pants and he had run out of underwear.  He says the funniest things.

            Mom also said Christian was very quiet and she thinks he’s missing you.  I think he is, too.  He just has a lot of trouble talking about things.  And she said Isaiah got up so early for Vacation Bible School that he fell asleep watching t.v. holding onto the remote!  Mom said it looked like something you would do and it reminded her of you.  And Jenn said Isaiah acts like a ‘Little Bryan’ with things he says and does.  She said when he went swimming at her house; he asked her about the ‘water pressure’.  He’s such a nut!  It’s nice that a part of you is still here, but I want you back!  I loved you so much!

            I found out on Friday that you knew you didn’t feel good before you died.  You were at Christenson’s in Detroit unloading a truck with help and you felt dizzy and lightheaded so you called Bernie and told him you weren’t sure you could get the load back to Grand Rapids.  He told you to sit in the air conditioned truck since it was pretty hot out and he would call you back in a half hour.  After about 15 minutes he started thinking that you never complained about not feeling good so he tried calling you and you didn’t answer.  Margie said after about three phone calls that went unanswered he called Christenson’s and they said they had already called 911. 

I don’t understand how a heart attack could come on so suddenly and why couldn’t they have found you in time?  I wonder what your last thoughts were about.  Did you think of me and the kids?  Did you know how much we loved you?  I wish I could have talked to you one more time before you left us.  Why couldn’t God have given me that?

Anyway, I have uncharacteristically run out of things to say so I’ll say good night now. 

I love you, your wife, Karyn