July 21, 2011

July 21, 2011

            Dear Bryan,

            I was watching Bones tonight and Hodgins said to Angela, “I’m your guy”, you were always my guy and I loved it.  I loved knowing that we were a couple.  Are you tired of hearing that yet?  I hope not because I’m not tired of saying it yet.  I used to always tell you that you were my sexy man and you just laughed.  And you totally cracked up when you got new underwear and I wanted to jump you when you had them on.  LOL  Maybe everyone else doesn’t want to hear that, but it’s true.  Things like that embarrassed you a lot.  I still can’t figure out why, though.  And I’m quite sure you would like me telling everyone about this, too!  Try to stop me.  Ha, ha, ha…

            Today wasn’t a good day.  Actually, NO day has been a good day since you left.  I’m not sure I’ll ever have a good day again because I loved you SOOO much.  I think when a couple is married for a long time; it’s easy to just feel comfortable with the other person and to forget how much that person actually means to them.  You meant SO much to me and your loss is felt by me every day.  My heart physically aches and it’s hard to breathe a lot.  I think if someone looks at me; they should be able to see my heart bleeding because that’s what it feels like it’s doing.

            I’m wondering when food will look good again.  If it’s when I’m 25 pounds lighter than now, that’s okay!  I can handle that.  The not sleeping is what bothers me a lot more.  I just cannot sleep and sometimes I wake up and I’m shaking.  I’ve never had anything like that happen before.  And sometimes I flash back to when Robyn told me about you and I relive that awful day all over again.  We were supposed to be going out for our Anniversary tomorrow instead of me dealing with insurance issues and social security and lawyers and having to write up a will for myself. 

            I’m making myself do things, but I would really rather spend all day in bed.  I just want to curl up and cry and cry and cry.  It is way too hard to think about spending the rest of my life alone.  In fact, the depths of my feelings toward you astonish me.  Since you weren’t sick and we were both young, it never occurred to me that you might die.  I thought we would have at least another 30 years together.  When your Dad was really sick last spring and summer, I was thinking he might die and THAT made me very sad because I really like your Dad, but I never, ever thought you might die.

            I’d like to know what God was thinking.  Why would he let you die?  It just doesn’t seem right.  You were a good Father and a good husband and my best friend.  I’d like you here right now because Isaiah is making me crazy!  I would send him off with you in the truck and you and he would have a great time together.  He was your little buddy and I know he misses you.   

            Since I fell asleep last night I didn’t get a chance to finish this!  I guess I just keep writing today’s installment.  Love forever, your wife, Karyn