July 30, 2011

July 30, 2011

            Hi Bryan,

            I wake up every day and feel sad.  I think that’s because I called you in the morning when I woke up.  I miss talking to you a lot.  I miss telling you about my day and you telling me about your day.  I miss not hearing from you and I miss seeing your smile and hearing you joke with me.  I miss telling you the funny things that the kids do.

            Isaiah decided he was going to clean up the playroom.  He didn’t do a bad job of it, but he does tend to keep too much junk.  He’s a little packrat!  He came home with lots of junk from Sandy Pines.  I guess he and my Dad went to EVERY dumpster there!  Oh, boy.  I wonder if I can throw some of it out when he’s not looking.  He probably wouldn’t notice.

            After he was done with the playroom I took him to the yarn store to get him ‘dog yarn’.  For those who don’t know, ‘dog yarn’ is yarn that’s a dark enough brown to make a dog square for my son.  He wants a pillow like Tiffany has and it’s going to make his fish on one side and his dog on the other side.  The fish square is done so we just needed yarn to make the dog square.  He found what color yarn he wanted almost right away and he expected me to just leave right after I was done with finding his ‘dog yarn’.  LOL  He’s such a silly kid.  I had a 20% off coupon so we needed to go today since it was the last day of the sale.  And OF COURSE I needed more yarn.  You understand that one, don’t you?

            After the yarn store, I brought him to the record store next to Grand Villa.  They fix record players so we brought the non-working Fisher Price record player there to get fixed.  The man said they could take a look at it while we were there so we browsed some.  They ended up not being able to fix the record player, but they had a working Fisher Price record player there so I bought that one.  I also bought Isaiah 6 records from their dollar bin.  I hope he likes them.  And, of course, I didn’t get him any country music records!  Ha, ha, ha….I need to train the kid right.

            The man at the record store told me how many of the parts in the record player were molded and that you can’t really replace parts for the record player.  Of course, Isaiah had to act like he knew everything and he told them how Daddy and Uncle Steve tried to fix the record players and couldn’t do it.  He’s such a nut.  The guy had to use special tools to even get the record player apart.

            I think you would have liked the record store a lot.  It had tons and tons of records.  And they even had a Wurleitzer juke box.  I think you would have loved that a lot.  If it was affordable, it probably would have ended up in the living room with all of the other antiques you put in there.  It didn’t come with any records, though, and it looked like it needed work.  Isaiah saw it right away and said, “Oh, Daddy would like that!”  LOL  And he was right; you would have. 

            Now Isaiah is being a pain in the butt because I took his television away due to him not listening and banging his fist on the back screen.  He’s being a little bit bossy and demanding lately.  I’m getting rather tired of it.  He’s already gotten to sit in time out once today and he’s darn close to having to sit there a second time.  Most of the time, he’s a pretty good kid, but he’s pushing it a little bit today!

            Saturdays are a hard day for me.  Every day is hard, but Saturday is especially tough because you were always home on Saturdays for at least part of the day and you almost always went to ‘the lot’.  You should be at the lot right now with a few of the kids and it’s just incredibly sad to me that you’re not.  They miss you, too.  I think I will have to try to keep busy on Saturdays so I don’t think about how sad I am that you’re not here.

            I’m also worried that everyone is going to expect me to just be over you in a certain amount of time.  I already heard the one year thing from the Tiffany.  I don’t think I will be over any of this in a year.  Every day is hard and it surprises me that people think that I will just ‘be over’ you any time soon.  Right now, I’m holding you close to my heart.  I think of you almost every single moment of every single day.  I’m trying to hold it together for the kids, though.  I can’t just stay in bed all day long, but I would like to.  It wouldn’t be fair for the kids to lose their Dad and then lose their Mom, too.  I really don’t feel like getting out of bed or acting like I’m okay or smiling.  I am devastated and inside I’m crying.

            I’m off to bed now.  I really wish you were here because I miss you so much!

            Love, your wife, Karyn

           

July 29, 2011

July 29, 2011

            Hi Bryan,

I’m sad today.  I had another dream about you last night.  I woke up and felt awful that you weren’t here.  I want you here so much.  We all want you here so much.  I can’t believe it’s been three weeks without you.  This is the worst nightmare I’ve ever been in and I really want it to stop.   I want to see you walk through the door and I’ll ask if my sexy man is home and you’ll say, “I guess so” and blush.

You were too young to leave me.  You were the 5^th child out of 9 so why are you the one who had to leave?  You had so many people here who loved you and we miss you so much.  I want you back; I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare.  At this point, I’m kind of afraid to go to sleep because I wake up feeling drained and sad.  I wake up and remember dreaming about you and talking with you and I want you here so much!  If wishing could make you come back, you would be back with me.

That’s all for now because I’m just too sad to write anymore.

I love you, Karyn   

July 27, 2011

July 27, 2011

            Hi Bryan,

            It’s another day without you.  I wonder if the ache in my heart will ever go away.  Right now it doesn’t seem like it.  I know I need to go on for the kids, but it’s tough.  I make myself get up and take a shower, but I’d really like to just stay in bed all day long.

            It’s nice that Shirley paid out your vacation time because I won’t have to worry about bills for a while now.  I guess it doesn’t matter too much how long the trust stuff takes now; I just hope they back date it.  I think they will.  And I hope your evil ex is going crazy without her check.  She always wanted a piece of you and I’m sure that hasn’t changed now that you’re gone.  Is it bad of me for hoping she’s going nuts?  If it is, I don’t care because she treated you terribly.

            M is making me crazy because she’s refusing to pay a few of your credit card charges because she doesn’t have receipts.  I think I’m not going to pay them, either, and let them get that money out of the Trust.  I’m pretty ticked that she won’t just pay out the $100 and if Kathi doesn’t have the time to call; I’ll just pay my part and send them the death certificate.  I don’t have the mind power to call up six places to try to get receipts.  It really annoys me.  She always did annoy you, too.  Oftentimes you went without eating because of her giving you a hard time.  It pisses me off when I think about it.  Actually, a lot of things about your work piss me off; they didn’t treat you very good at all and you just took it.  I guess I’m just not the type of person to sit back and take tons of crap.  I either run from it, deal with it for a while, or face it head on and don’t put up with it.  I’m not going to put up with this crap because it’s just not right.  She needs to stop being such a tightwad.  I’m seriously annoyed by her attitude and her telling me she won’t pay 6 piddly little charges.  You did without A LOT and now that you’re not here she just expects ME to do it, too?  Well, I’m not going to.  They treated you terrible for a long time and I think M doesn’t care that much that you’re not here.  At least it seems like that to me.  I’m not going to call all of those places to hunt down receipts for her so I’ll just pay our part of it and let the rest get worked out between the credit card company and his work/Trust because I can only deal with so much.

            Okay, here is my funny memory.  My ex-husband left when my two oldest boys were 3 and 5 so they were pretty little. They were 7 1/2 and 9 1/2 when I got married to you so I had been alone for a while and the boys didn’t really remember their Dad living in the house. The first Sunday after we were married that we were together (after our honeymoon) you and I took a shower together. My 9 1/2 year-old, Elisha, said, “Mom, I have a question to ask you” and I asked him, “What?” and he said, “Not in front of Bryan.” LOL He wanted to know what we were doing together and when I told him taking a shower he said, “You mean you saw each other NAKED?” in a really horrified tone of voice. I kept telling him that it was okay when you’re married. Then he thought he had some really BIG news and he said, “Can I go and tell Tiffany?” LMAO! Tiffany is my oldest daughter and she was 13 1/2….It was SOOO funny!  He just couldn’t believe that you and I had seen each other NAKED.  LOL

            I talked to Mom today and she said Isaiah had a meltdown last night.  He had gotten up early for Vacation Bible School and then he swam a lot and he fell asleep watching t.v. holding onto the remote just like you always did.  LOL  Anyway, later on he just started crying and crying and he refused to go to Bible School on Tuesday.  I told Mom to be matter of fact with him because that usually works.  I told her to tell him that she was the helper for first grade and they needed her so he had to come to the class with him.  She said he looked kind of scared, but then he said, “Okay” that he would go and help Grandma.  LOL  I didn’t want to just pick him up because then he would always feel kind of like he didn’t follow through on it.  And I know he’s safe with my Mom and Dad.  I wonder if Mom had to sleep next to him again.  I guess she did last night.

            Mom and Dad aren’t sleeping well at all.  They miss you so much!  We all do.  Matt misses you tons and so does Pattie.  Sometimes I forget for a minute and I think you’re just gone in the truck and then I remember again and I have to try to catch my breath.  I know we didn’t have a perfect relationship and we had our struggles, but I loved you deeply and I wanted to grow old with you.  We were so dedicated to each other and we had so much fun together.  I honestly thought we had years and years together yet and I still can’t believe you’re gone.  It’s just not right and it doesn’t seem fair.  Why couldn’t God have chosen to take some wife beater who didn’t care about his family?  There are a lot of dead beat guys like that out there.

            I thought it was funny how your single’s ad said you liked ‘crusin’ and I thought it meant you liked CRUISES and I asked you what cruises you had been on after we became engaged.  It was only then that you told me that you liked ‘crusin’ in your classic car!  LOL  I originally thought you liked cruises and I thought any guy that liked cruises couldn’t be too bad!  We did end up going on a Carnival Cruise and you kept saying the engine didn’t sound right when we walked over the engine room.  I thought you were full of it and kind of joked with you about that.  Later on that summer (we got married July 24^th), the very same Carnival cruise ship caught fire and you got to say, “I told you so” A LOT!  LOL  Can you even imagine what it would have been like if that had happened on our honeymoon?  That would have been a bad start to our marriage!  The ship was on fire and people were getting rescued by boats and helicopters!  That wouldn’t have fun a very fun honeymoon. 

            We did have an awesome time on our honeymoon.  The food was awesome and we had fun couples at our table.  We hung around with the one couple a lot.  They actually lived in Florida and had been married for a long time.  We usually went to the teen dance club to talk and socialize because the adult club was boring and played the worst music!  And boy you weren’t joking when you said you couldn’t dance!  You were a worse dancer than I was!  And you needed a few drinks in you before you would even dance!

            Okay, since it’s 4 a.m. I’m off to bed!  I’m pretty tired.  I’ll tell you how Isaiah did at Vacation Bible School later on.  And later today I get to figure out what to do with the pension stuff.  What fun!!  NOT.  Well, it will be good to get things settled, but it’s a lot of phone calls and it’s very annoying in the meantime.  I guess it’s just one step at a time and that is the next step in this journey without you.  And WHERE in the world did I put my book!  I misplaced it once and I can’t find it again and it’s annoying me.  I cleaned up a bunch of things and I still can’t find it.  Maybe you can help me find it later on.  J 

I Love you so much!  Karyn

Later on, July 27, 2011  

I can’t believe you’re been gone for so long.  How does one live without a piece of their heart?  It’s like a part of me is missing and I still can’t believe you’re not coming back.  I want you here with me; I wish you wouldn’t have left me.  In my mind, I picture you alive and it hurts so much that you’re not here.  I’m not sure how to function without you, but I have to so I get busy doing things.  I’m trying to clear a path to the fireplace so we can have fire this fall so I cleaned off the top of my little end table and most of the stuff underneath.  I’m wondering what normal people do with their numerous knitting bags that have projects in them.  Oh, normal people don’t HAVE numerous knitting bags?  I don’t know why you would say that.  I still haven’t figured out where I’m going to put them; they’re kind of hiding behind a chair right now.  I’m up to six bags behind the chair and three bags next to my computer chair.  I hang my head in shame.  ;)

I still haven’t found my missing book.  I called Mom at the lake to ask if it was out there, but she didn’t answer the phone.  I did tell her how to convince Isaiah to go to Vacation Bible School; one needs to be matter of fact with him so I told her to tell him that she had to go and help and he could be HER helper.  She said he looked scared at first and then said, ‘okay’ and he stuck to her like glue.  LOL  He’s so cute at times.  She said he wasn’t even going to color until she convinced him that helpers had to show the other kids how to do thing.  Ha, ha, ha…I’ll have to call her tomorrow to see how he does on Thursday.  I miss the little guy, but I had a lot of things to do this week so it’s okay.

Kathi came over today and helped me with the 401K paperwork and I filled out the COBRA forms and we called up to find out what we needed to do for the GE stock.  What fun; NOT!  I didn’t know that there were so many forms to fill out when a spouse died.  I would give anything to just have you back with me.  I used to think I was the luckiest person in the world to be able to be with someone like you.  Of course, I didn’t feel that way when you were acting like a jerk or when you annoyed me, but most of the time I enjoyed being with you.  We weren’t rich, but we got by and although our kids didn’t have tons of things; they knew how much they were loved by us.

I am praying every day that God will give me what I need to raise the children yet in the home.  I’m not sure I can meet Isaiah and Christian’s needs.  I guess I will just take one day at a time and ask God to meet what I can’t.  I’m still scared, though.  Isaiah is so little and he loved you so much.  Will he remember you?  He’s only 6 years old; it’s just not fair or right that he can’t have the Daddy that he loved so much.  Matt is having a hard time, too.  I’m glad that he got to reconnect with you in the last few years, but it wasn’t long enough.  If I wish hard enough, can I get you to come back to me and your family?  If wishing could make it happen, it would have happened already.

Well, that’s all for tonight.  I love you, Karyn             

           

July 26, 2011

July 26, 2011

            Hi Bry,

It’s the saddest thing in the world to be writing to you instead of talking to you.  I just want to pick up the phone and chat with you about my day like we normally did.  You would tell me what stops you had made and where you were going next and I would ask when you would be home again.  I miss those talks and conversations so much.  I’m not sure how I can go on without you.  I honestly think if someone were to look inside of me they would see my heart bleeding all over the place.  My heart just aches and hurts so much.  I miss holding you and seeing you sleep next to me at night and I even miss your snoring. 

Would you have changed your eating habits if you had known this would happen?  I honestly think you thought you were invincible so you might not have believed anyone who told you that your eating habits would kill you.  I know they worried me an awful lot and I was even more worried when I saw how bad you ate when we were on vacation.  It’s one thing to hear about something, but it’s another to see it with one’s own eyes.  I was thinking of a way to talk to you about eating better, but it was too late.  I doubt you would have changed your habits anyway because you were very stubborn about things.  You would just kind of dig your heels in about certain things and it made me crazy.

I have to pick up your check tomorrow because the computer crashed at your work.  I guess it was a really bad problem and they had to replace the whole MotherBoard.  I’m not sure what a MotherBoard is, either, but that’s what they’re fixing/replacing.  Evidently it was due for replacement in September, but it didn’t make it that far.  Jenn said they need to input everything by hand and that it’s a real pain.  Jaki told me today that she doesn’t know where half of the things are and that Amanda can’t look them up in the computer.  I wanted to say, “Call Bryan up” because you knew all of that stuff, but I stopped myself in time.  You did know things like that, though.  And what will I do if my stupid water heater goes out again or my refrigerator dies again?  It will be sad buying a new refrigerator by myself.  It was always so much fun doing those things with you.  You made life fun; you would goof around and act silly.  I liked that about you.  Of course, I always tried to act like you embarrassed me, though.

My Dad told me on Sunday that he had never had an argument with you and I said that was because you were a suck up and he laughed and laughed.  To be quite honest, you were very respectful of your elders.  You were raised that way and you were very much an advocate of respecting parental figures.  You really did like my Dad and he ADORED you.  I think he would have taken your side if I ever would have called him up and complained about you doing something because you could do no wrong in his eyes.  You ate it right up, too.  We never argued about that, but you liked to kind of ‘throw it in my face’ in a teasing way that my Dad liked you so much.  Once in a while you would jokingly tell me that you would, “Tell my Dad on me” and I would say, “Ewww…I’m scared.”  LOL  I miss that so much about you, too.  There isn’t anyone left to joke with anymore.

And I’m afraid that everyone will think that I have everything under control and they won’t offer to help out with things anymore.  I’m afraid of doing it on my own; who will shovel the driveway and rake the leaves and fix things around the house?  You did so much around here and I relied on you a lot.  Right now Christian is still in shock and Isaiah is little, but what will I do when the shock wears off and Isaiah gets bigger?  Will I be able to handle them?  Boys need their Dads and you were such a good Father to them both.  And Mikeala is keeping busy going to her friend’s house, but I just know a melt-down with her is coming.  And how will I be able to care for an infant on my own?  And we had plans to adopt again?  God what were you thinking?

I never thought this would happen.  I am still stuck back over two weeks ago when I heard you were gone.  You can’t be gone; you just spent a week with me on vacation; you just spent two 12 hour days roofing my brother’s house with Matt.  You just took Isaiah to the lot on the 4^th of July.  How can you be here one minute and then gone the next?  You were so alive and not just alive, but full of life.  You were young.  We had too much we wanted to do together.

I keep trying to convince myself that I will be okay and that I will find a way to go on, but I don’t believe myself.  I’m just scared and I feel lost and alone.  We were a good team and we balanced each other out well.  I liked that so much about us and our relationship.  You did so many things with the kids and you did the ‘outside work’ around the house well.  I think you would be appalled at how bad the yarn looks right now because it’s not looking very good.  The plants all need to be trimmed and I have no idea how to do it or when it should be done and the wood chips need to be redone in the worst way.

I’m tired and yet I don’t sleep well.  I keep waking up and remembering that you’re gone all over again and then I’m sad again.  And even when I do get a lot of sleep I still feel tired all day long.  I walk around with an aching heart and pain and I just feel incredibly sad.  I feel like part of me is ripped into two.  I just wish that I could do something, anything, to bring you back to me again.  Maybe that’s selfish of me, but I want you back.

I’m annoyed at the stupid dentist because they were supposed to do Mike’s appointments so it would all be done in two visits and they messed up and I have to go back for a third appointment.  AND they can’t tell me why!  ARRGGHH!  That’s annoying…I’m sick of appointments.  And speaking of appointments I have to meet with the lawyer next week Tuesday.  Kathi is going to come with me because I keep forgetting things.  We’re going to push for the land payments to get paid out and not go into the trust.  It never should have been part of the trust and it should have been paid out in a timely matter so I’m going to fight that one.  I have the kids to worry about now and I need to support them.  I’m hoping ‘S’ won’t give me a hard time on that.  I’m going to let Kathi try to handle that.

I brought in your radio and your charger from your phone and the death certificates to your work and got your last (maybe) check today.  It was for a lot more than I thought it would be because they paid out your vacation pay.  I wonder if they have to do that my law.  It makes me really sad that they treated you so badly that you never felt like you could take a vacation.  You almost had to beg to take time off.  Even for your last vacation, ‘B’ was telling you that maybe you shouldn’t go on vacation.  It was ridiculous that they didn’t even want you to take time off.  I think your work schedule contributed to your death.  You were SO stressed the last year and a half; I wish you would have taken more time off.

And you should be proud of me because I didn’t keep any of the kittens.  I should just tell you it was because you said ‘no’ and I always listened to you, but you would laugh like crazy if I said that was the real reason.  It just didn’t feel right.  You didn’t want me to keep any and it would have seemed wrong to keep one because you weren’t here to tell me ‘no’.  The guilt would have made me not enjoy the kitten.  Maybe at some point in the future; it will be right to get another kitten, but not now.

Since I spent half the night talking to Jaki on Facebook, I should say good-night.  Jaki really loved you.  I hope you knew how much everyone loved you!

Love, your wife, Karyn   

July 25, 2011

July 25, 2011

            Well Bryan, we didn’t get to celebrate our anniversary.  I’m sad about that.  It was a tough ‘remembering’ day.  I had a dream last night that you were alive again and I was excited that I got to talk to you.  You were always so alive, so busy, you accomplished so much that I just can’t believe you’re not here.  Yesterday I was taking a shower and my cell phone rang and I immediately thought, “Bryans calling me!” and then I remembered again and my heart hurt.

            Last night I dreamed that you were alive.  I got really excited and told you I had a car magazine that you hadn’t read yet.  We talked for a while and then you told me you had to go again.  I wanted to hold onto you and keep you here.  I still can’t believe you’re gone!  You were only 51; how could you just go to work and have a heart attack and die?  You were young.

            My Mom said Isaiah had fun at Vacation Bible School, but he was nervous and wanted her to stay with him so she did.  He made up his bed really cute at their trailer.  He had to bring two clocks along with him because one might not work.  LOL  He put his Daddy Puppet on the other bed with another sock puppet so you could be close to him.  I thought that was pretty cute and sad at the same time.  You’ve been gone too long already; I want you back here with the family that loved you so much.

            Saturday I was packing Isaiah to go to Vacation Bible School and I made sure he had 5-6 of everything for the week and he didn’t have enough underwear and I told him I would wash the laundry so he would have underwear.  He looked at me and kind of smirked and said, “I could go without underwear; it would be okay.  I did that once before.”  It was SOOO funny that I wanted to call you up to tell you about it.  You would have laughed about it.  I think he’s talking about the time you guys were in the truck and he wet his pants and he had run out of underwear.  He says the funniest things.

            Mom also said Christian was very quiet and she thinks he’s missing you.  I think he is, too.  He just has a lot of trouble talking about things.  And she said Isaiah got up so early for Vacation Bible School that he fell asleep watching t.v. holding onto the remote!  Mom said it looked like something you would do and it reminded her of you.  And Jenn said Isaiah acts like a ‘Little Bryan’ with things he says and does.  She said when he went swimming at her house; he asked her about the ‘water pressure’.  He’s such a nut!  It’s nice that a part of you is still here, but I want you back!  I loved you so much!

            I found out on Friday that you knew you didn’t feel good before you died.  You were at Christenson’s in Detroit unloading a truck with help and you felt dizzy and lightheaded so you called Bernie and told him you weren’t sure you could get the load back to Grand Rapids.  He told you to sit in the air conditioned truck since it was pretty hot out and he would call you back in a half hour.  After about 15 minutes he started thinking that you never complained about not feeling good so he tried calling you and you didn’t answer.  Margie said after about three phone calls that went unanswered he called Christenson’s and they said they had already called 911. 

I don’t understand how a heart attack could come on so suddenly and why couldn’t they have found you in time?  I wonder what your last thoughts were about.  Did you think of me and the kids?  Did you know how much we loved you?  I wish I could have talked to you one more time before you left us.  Why couldn’t God have given me that?

Anyway, I have uncharacteristically run out of things to say so I’ll say good night now. 

I love you, your wife, Karyn     

July 23, 2011

July 23, 2011

            Hi Bryan,

            I suppose I should say something nice since I was mad at your yesterday.  Well, actually I’m still mad at you and it makes me madder that I can’t talk to you about what I’m upset about.  I guess I will have to process through my feelings and come to terms with my anger.  I kind of feel like you let me down.  Why did you lie to me?

            It should be a normal day today.  Instead I’m still just devastated, numb, and drained.  You’re supposed to be at the lot right now with Isaiah.  I kind of thought of taking him there, but I’m just too depressed and down to do anything.  The thought of going there when you’re not there just makes me too sad.  The day just drags on and on and I’ve wanted to call you about a dozen times.  Isaiah said something really funny today that had me cracking up and I wanted to call and tell you about it.  Who am I going to share these things with now?  We loved Isaiah so much and he was supposed to be raised in a nice two-parent household.  I was so happy that he was going to have a good childhood with a Mom and Dad who loved him and loved each other.

            There were times that he talked about his Daddy and I would have to remind myself that it was okay for him to talk about Daddy and that I didn’t have to protect him from his Dad like I did with my three oldest kids.  That was reassuring to me.  It was nice to be a team with our son.  You were so ‘hands on’ with him.  You did so much with Christian and Mikeal, too, and they miss you a lot.

            I’m not okay today and I don’t think I’ll be okay for a very long time.  People keep asking how I am and I’m devastated so I just say, “terrible”.  I don’t think I won’t be feeling awful for years.  I can’t imagine not feeling anything except sad without you in my life.  And I’m worried that I will be known as “that sad girl that you don’t want to talk to.”  And what will I say if people ask if I’m married?  THAT will be tough because I’m still your wife.  I’m not single and if some guy tried to hit on me; he would get totally frozen out.

            So, right now I’m thinking that God must hate me.  I made sure to wait to find the right guy and then I waited to have kids and you were an awesome Father and yet you’re gone and I’m all by myself again.  Why couldn’t I have that happy marriage that I wanted so badly for longer than 12 years?  I did everything right this time and I followed God’s rules.  I think I’m in a bitter mood tonight.  I just want to turn back time and have you back here with me.  I hope you always knew how very much I loved you.  And I also discovered that when I’m doing intarsia I should use more bobbins and not strand black behind my white yarn.  It’s showing in two places; I guess that’s what I get for being lazy.  I guess I’ll get my bobbins out for the next fair isle project I do. I know you care about hearing that.  LOL

            I think I’m just especially sad today because it’s our anniversary tomorrow.  It would have been 12 years.  I have very few regrets about our time together.  We weren’t a perfect couple, but we loved each other and we were dedicated to each other.  We had a strong commitment to one another and to our children.  Maybe everyone is tired of hearing that, but it’s true.  Even when times were tough, we hung in there and honored our marriage vows.  I’m not sure HOW to go on without you because our lives were so enmeshed with each other.  It’s like we were the strands of a fabric woven together; how does one unweave a fabric that’s woven together?        

            I was sad tonight and told Isaiah I was sad and missed Daddy and then he was sad and I felt bad.  He went and got the puppet that he named, “Daddy” and told me I could talk to him.  Then I really DID cry!  Then he took “Daddy” back and went and laid down with him.  It was the saddest thing ever.  I’m going to have to try really hard not to make Isaiah feel sad about things.  He’s so little that I just don’t think he understands things.  He wants to know how you fit in the box and why I didn’t want to see the box get put in the ground.  He says you were tall and you wouldn’t be able to fit in that box.  He’s just a little boy that loved his Daddy; why did you have to go away?  I finally did everything ‘right’ and yet I’m still in the same place I was before.  This has just been a sad, sad, very sad day for me and I think I will have a lot more of them.

            That’s all for tonight because once again I’m just too sad to write anything else.

            Love, your wife, Karyn     

July 22, 2011

July 22, 2011

            Hi Bryan,

            I’m a little annoyed with you right now because I found out something about you.  Honestly, it makes me quite angry and it makes me even angrier that I can’t talk to you about it, either.  I’m really ticked about it and I’m more ticked because we always talked things out.  I’m sure we would have worked it out, but I’d like to yell at you about it right now.  Ooops, I mean, talk to you about it.  Of course, that’s what I mean.

            I’m not feeling very cheerful tonight at all.  I have bills to pay and crap to navigate and I have to do it all alone.  I wish you were here so I wouldn’t have to navigate all of this stuff by myself.  My sister and I have to meet with the lawyer that drew up your will and trust next week.  It will be good to know where I stand financially.  I’m worried about paying bills and it will be nice to know where things are at.  At then I feel awful that I have to worry about bills and finances when you’re not here anymore.  I just want you back!  I’m going to push for the land payments to get paid out instead of becoming part of the trust because it never should have been part of the trust.  I’m hoping the lawyer agrees with me and that I won’t have to get a lawyer involved.  THAT could certainly make for some tense family gatherings if I had to do that!  I need to take care of my family, though, and the money owed would do that for a long time.  I guess I’ll have to play ‘hard ball’ if push comes to shove. 

            I’m worried that I will either be known as ‘that sad girl who sits in the corner’ or people will avoid me.  I already see some people kind of look like they’re afraid to talk to me.  I know I’m sad and grief-stricken; I just don’t know if everyone else can see that.  I mean, I don’t feel normal at all; I just feel sad and down.  I feel like I’m barely functioning right now. 

            I had a nice talk with your parents today.  Your Dad was talking about how talented you were with creating pieces of equipment and how you could fix anything.  I have to agree with him; you could fix just about anything!   I told your Dad that I wanted you back and I would get you back if I could and he said he would, too.  Everyone misses you so much.   What worries me the most is that they will forget about you and go on with their lives and they will just expect me to be okay.

            This surreal feeling just sticks with me.  I hope you always knew how much I loved you and that you loved me as much.  I already think that some people will cease to be friends with me.  I know I’m not going to just ‘bounce back’ from this.  I was part of a couple, a team, and now everything is changed and I can’t just go on with my life like nothing happened.  Someone actually said to me today, “I haven’t heard from you much this week.”  Oh, you think everything is okay now, duh…That probably isn’t nice for me to say, but it’s how I feel.  How can they think that I’m just going to want to chat on the phone about little things when my husband died suddenly and my world has been turned upside-down?

            That might sound bitchy, but it’s how I feel.  I think you would understand that if you were here.   I would tell you about how I was annoyed with someone and you would listen and say you understood what I was talking about and you would say you loved me.  I would give anything to have you walk in the door again.  Isaiah usually looked up and said, “Hi Daddy!” and you would say, “Hi punk” and he would run up and give you a hug.  I’m so worried that he will forget about you.  He’s so little to be without his Daddy.

            I’m happy that I was able to find the decorative plate that Christian broke on E-bay for about $16.00 and that includes shipping.  I hope he doesn’t break another one because I’m getting tired of fixing and buying new things for what he breaks.  He needs to slow down some and think a little bit more.  I also bought two Mrs. Pollifax books on E-bay.  I truly think you missed out a lot by not being a reader.  There is a lot of joy to be found in books.

            I’m also wondering what you’re looking at right now.  Are you looking into the eyes of Jesus?  Are you playing with Moriah or getting to know my Grandparents?  Are there old cars in Heaven?  Are you talking with your Grandparents?  Are you playing with the two little ones we lost?  And what would you say to me right now about how I should live my life?  That was a big complaint I had about you; you were kind of lukewarm about your faith.  I never understood how you could be on fire about other things and so ‘meh’ about God and your faith.  I mean, I know you believed, but you were so quiet about things.  Did you have great joy and you just didn’t show it?  I honestly don’t know and I find that quite sad.  What were you afraid of?

            I wonder what you would say to me now about God if you could.  What would you tell me to do?  How would you tell me to live my life?  What would you tell me to do with the kids?  I know you’re in the glory of God, but I still want you here with me!  I just can’t figure out why you had to die.  Why was it your time when you were so young?  What is God’s plan in all of this?  I mean, last year your Dad was so sick and he survived so why couldn’t they find you in time to save you?  Why couldn’t I have seen you one more time?  I just don’t understand that and my brain still can’t wrap around the fact that you’re gone.  Gone is so final.  I just can’t imagine ever being happy about anything again; life just seems so sad.

            I guess that’s all for tonight since I’m just too sad to write anything else.

            Your wife, Karyn