July 27, 2011

July 27, 2011

            Hi Bryan,

            It’s another day without you.  I wonder if the ache in my heart will ever go away.  Right now it doesn’t seem like it.  I know I need to go on for the kids, but it’s tough.  I make myself get up and take a shower, but I’d really like to just stay in bed all day long.

            It’s nice that Shirley paid out your vacation time because I won’t have to worry about bills for a while now.  I guess it doesn’t matter too much how long the trust stuff takes now; I just hope they back date it.  I think they will.  And I hope your evil ex is going crazy without her check.  She always wanted a piece of you and I’m sure that hasn’t changed now that you’re gone.  Is it bad of me for hoping she’s going nuts?  If it is, I don’t care because she treated you terribly.

            M is making me crazy because she’s refusing to pay a few of your credit card charges because she doesn’t have receipts.  I think I’m not going to pay them, either, and let them get that money out of the Trust.  I’m pretty ticked that she won’t just pay out the $100 and if Kathi doesn’t have the time to call; I’ll just pay my part and send them the death certificate.  I don’t have the mind power to call up six places to try to get receipts.  It really annoys me.  She always did annoy you, too.  Oftentimes you went without eating because of her giving you a hard time.  It pisses me off when I think about it.  Actually, a lot of things about your work piss me off; they didn’t treat you very good at all and you just took it.  I guess I’m just not the type of person to sit back and take tons of crap.  I either run from it, deal with it for a while, or face it head on and don’t put up with it.  I’m not going to put up with this crap because it’s just not right.  She needs to stop being such a tightwad.  I’m seriously annoyed by her attitude and her telling me she won’t pay 6 piddly little charges.  You did without A LOT and now that you’re not here she just expects ME to do it, too?  Well, I’m not going to.  They treated you terrible for a long time and I think M doesn’t care that much that you’re not here.  At least it seems like that to me.  I’m not going to call all of those places to hunt down receipts for her so I’ll just pay our part of it and let the rest get worked out between the credit card company and his work/Trust because I can only deal with so much.

            Okay, here is my funny memory.  My ex-husband left when my two oldest boys were 3 and 5 so they were pretty little. They were 7 1/2 and 9 1/2 when I got married to you so I had been alone for a while and the boys didn’t really remember their Dad living in the house. The first Sunday after we were married that we were together (after our honeymoon) you and I took a shower together. My 9 1/2 year-old, Elisha, said, “Mom, I have a question to ask you” and I asked him, “What?” and he said, “Not in front of Bryan.” LOL He wanted to know what we were doing together and when I told him taking a shower he said, “You mean you saw each other NAKED?” in a really horrified tone of voice. I kept telling him that it was okay when you’re married. Then he thought he had some really BIG news and he said, “Can I go and tell Tiffany?” LMAO! Tiffany is my oldest daughter and she was 13 1/2….It was SOOO funny!  He just couldn’t believe that you and I had seen each other NAKED.  LOL

            I talked to Mom today and she said Isaiah had a meltdown last night.  He had gotten up early for Vacation Bible School and then he swam a lot and he fell asleep watching t.v. holding onto the remote just like you always did.  LOL  Anyway, later on he just started crying and crying and he refused to go to Bible School on Tuesday.  I told Mom to be matter of fact with him because that usually works.  I told her to tell him that she was the helper for first grade and they needed her so he had to come to the class with him.  She said he looked kind of scared, but then he said, “Okay” that he would go and help Grandma.  LOL  I didn’t want to just pick him up because then he would always feel kind of like he didn’t follow through on it.  And I know he’s safe with my Mom and Dad.  I wonder if Mom had to sleep next to him again.  I guess she did last night.

            Mom and Dad aren’t sleeping well at all.  They miss you so much!  We all do.  Matt misses you tons and so does Pattie.  Sometimes I forget for a minute and I think you’re just gone in the truck and then I remember again and I have to try to catch my breath.  I know we didn’t have a perfect relationship and we had our struggles, but I loved you deeply and I wanted to grow old with you.  We were so dedicated to each other and we had so much fun together.  I honestly thought we had years and years together yet and I still can’t believe you’re gone.  It’s just not right and it doesn’t seem fair.  Why couldn’t God have chosen to take some wife beater who didn’t care about his family?  There are a lot of dead beat guys like that out there.

            I thought it was funny how your single’s ad said you liked ‘crusin’ and I thought it meant you liked CRUISES and I asked you what cruises you had been on after we became engaged.  It was only then that you told me that you liked ‘crusin’ in your classic car!  LOL  I originally thought you liked cruises and I thought any guy that liked cruises couldn’t be too bad!  We did end up going on a Carnival Cruise and you kept saying the engine didn’t sound right when we walked over the engine room.  I thought you were full of it and kind of joked with you about that.  Later on that summer (we got married July 24^th), the very same Carnival cruise ship caught fire and you got to say, “I told you so” A LOT!  LOL  Can you even imagine what it would have been like if that had happened on our honeymoon?  That would have been a bad start to our marriage!  The ship was on fire and people were getting rescued by boats and helicopters!  That wouldn’t have fun a very fun honeymoon. 

            We did have an awesome time on our honeymoon.  The food was awesome and we had fun couples at our table.  We hung around with the one couple a lot.  They actually lived in Florida and had been married for a long time.  We usually went to the teen dance club to talk and socialize because the adult club was boring and played the worst music!  And boy you weren’t joking when you said you couldn’t dance!  You were a worse dancer than I was!  And you needed a few drinks in you before you would even dance!

            Okay, since it’s 4 a.m. I’m off to bed!  I’m pretty tired.  I’ll tell you how Isaiah did at Vacation Bible School later on.  And later today I get to figure out what to do with the pension stuff.  What fun!!  NOT.  Well, it will be good to get things settled, but it’s a lot of phone calls and it’s very annoying in the meantime.  I guess it’s just one step at a time and that is the next step in this journey without you.  And WHERE in the world did I put my book!  I misplaced it once and I can’t find it again and it’s annoying me.  I cleaned up a bunch of things and I still can’t find it.  Maybe you can help me find it later on.  J 

I Love you so much!  Karyn

Later on, July 27, 2011  

I can’t believe you’re been gone for so long.  How does one live without a piece of their heart?  It’s like a part of me is missing and I still can’t believe you’re not coming back.  I want you here with me; I wish you wouldn’t have left me.  In my mind, I picture you alive and it hurts so much that you’re not here.  I’m not sure how to function without you, but I have to so I get busy doing things.  I’m trying to clear a path to the fireplace so we can have fire this fall so I cleaned off the top of my little end table and most of the stuff underneath.  I’m wondering what normal people do with their numerous knitting bags that have projects in them.  Oh, normal people don’t HAVE numerous knitting bags?  I don’t know why you would say that.  I still haven’t figured out where I’m going to put them; they’re kind of hiding behind a chair right now.  I’m up to six bags behind the chair and three bags next to my computer chair.  I hang my head in shame.  ;)

I still haven’t found my missing book.  I called Mom at the lake to ask if it was out there, but she didn’t answer the phone.  I did tell her how to convince Isaiah to go to Vacation Bible School; one needs to be matter of fact with him so I told her to tell him that she had to go and help and he could be HER helper.  She said he looked scared at first and then said, ‘okay’ and he stuck to her like glue.  LOL  He’s so cute at times.  She said he wasn’t even going to color until she convinced him that helpers had to show the other kids how to do thing.  Ha, ha, ha…I’ll have to call her tomorrow to see how he does on Thursday.  I miss the little guy, but I had a lot of things to do this week so it’s okay.

Kathi came over today and helped me with the 401K paperwork and I filled out the COBRA forms and we called up to find out what we needed to do for the GE stock.  What fun; NOT!  I didn’t know that there were so many forms to fill out when a spouse died.  I would give anything to just have you back with me.  I used to think I was the luckiest person in the world to be able to be with someone like you.  Of course, I didn’t feel that way when you were acting like a jerk or when you annoyed me, but most of the time I enjoyed being with you.  We weren’t rich, but we got by and although our kids didn’t have tons of things; they knew how much they were loved by us.

I am praying every day that God will give me what I need to raise the children yet in the home.  I’m not sure I can meet Isaiah and Christian’s needs.  I guess I will just take one day at a time and ask God to meet what I can’t.  I’m still scared, though.  Isaiah is so little and he loved you so much.  Will he remember you?  He’s only 6 years old; it’s just not fair or right that he can’t have the Daddy that he loved so much.  Matt is having a hard time, too.  I’m glad that he got to reconnect with you in the last few years, but it wasn’t long enough.  If I wish hard enough, can I get you to come back to me and your family?  If wishing could make it happen, it would have happened already.

Well, that’s all for tonight.  I love you, Karyn