July 17, 2011

June 17, 2011

            Hi Bry, Mike is late again.  Man, I’m sick of her pulling this crap.  I would ground her, but I’m not sure that does any good.  Oh, and she just called me to ‘come and get her’.  You would be pissed if you were here.  I figure I’m not going to ground her for more than a few days, but I’m going to make her do work!  Ha, ha, ha…

            Jenn and I were talking about ‘S’ and how bad she always was to you.  I told her how I thought you were exaggerating some and then I found out that you SOOOOO weren’t exaggerating at all.  I’m wondering who she will complain to now that you’re not around.  Jenn was getting counseling for Robyn and I’m glad about that.  Robyn misses you a lot.  It’s sad that ‘S’ was so bad to her kids.  She used to tell the kids that you didn’t care about them.  Is it bad to me to be kind of laughing that she doesn’t have her money yet for the month and there is NOTHING she can do about it?  I feel kind of evil, but on the other hand I don’t really care.  She was awful to you and she messed up some of the kids, too.   I’m quite sure she will be calling Jenn or complaining to Robyn about it or Matt or Shirley.  Oh, well, I don’t have to deal with her.  I only don’t like her because of how she treated you and your kids.  They and you didn’t deserve that at all.  

            I slept late this morning for the first time in over a week and then I finally woke up I remembered again and I was sad.  And I had to get my own milk today.  I know that that’s such a little thing, but you would always get the milk for me when you went to the store on Sunday afternoons.  It made me really sad to have to get my own milk and to NOT have you say, “I’m running up to the store; is there anything you want?”  It was like my chest was tight all afternoon because you won’t ever say that to me again.  I know it’s a little thing, but I’m sure those little things will hit me really, really hard for a long time.  And last night I saw the buns on the food line for the reception and I thought of how much you would have loved them.  I’m sure the weirdest things will hit me for a long time when it comes to you.

            I’ve given myself to have periods during the day where I’m ‘okay for the moment.’  I’ve also decided that I’m not going to stay in bed all day and cry.  I will cry and I will grieve for you, but I’m going to get up in the morning and take a shower and try to keep the house at least reasonably neat.  I owe the kids that much at least.  They deserve one semi-functioning parent.

            I can’t bring myself to wash your laundry, either.  It’s just going to sit in your closet for a long time, I think.  Sometimes I try to fool myself and I tell myself that you’re just gone in the truck.  It doesn’t work very well, but for the moment it’s nice to pretend that you’re just gone for a few days.

            No one knows where your glasses are at and that bothers me a lot.  You always wore them and it’s just another part of you.  I am going to pray that they are located.  I’d like to have them to keep.  I was planning on putting them in the box on your dresser so that every time I walk by your dresser; I can see them.

            It is the most awful thing in the world to wake up every morning and to realize all over again that you’re gone and that I won’t ever see you again.  Right now; I just can’t wrap my brain around that fact.  I find myself gasping every morning with the realization that you’re gone.  And then my chest gets tight and I have to remind myself to breathe again.  Breathe, Karyn, breathe.  It takes so much effort and I lay there every morning and will myself to get out of bed and try to function.

            I’ve been carrying your ring around with me.  It’s not much, but it’s a little piece of you and it makes me feel closer to you.  Maybe I’ll eventually put it on a chain and wear it.  I’m not sure about that right now, though.  Sometimes I just set it on my computer desk and look at it so I can think of you.

            I haven’t gone through one day without crying since I heard the awful news.  I can function for a lot of the day and then I just lose it.  I don’t think that will end any time soon at all.  You were just such a big piece of my life and we totally ‘got’ each other.  When I told you recently how I was buying a skein of Wolmeise from Amber and what a good color you just laughed at me and said, “Oh, do you NEED it?  I’m sure you do…” and we laughed together.  You didn’t care about me buying yarn and you said as long as it made me happy; it was fine with you.

            I’ve just realized lately how much you have taken over the living room.  It’s a LIVING room or it’s supposed to be and instead you made it into a man-cave.  It now has a full size gas pump, an antique washboard, two antique scooters, Isaiah’s pedal car, a little baby cart, 4 gumball machines, a parking meter, a firebox, a big gas something sign, and a HUGE light up sign that you put on the back wall!  Man, that thing is hideous, but you LOVED it!  When I semi-complained about it and said it should go someplace else, you told me you couldn’t take it down because it was bolted up there.  Yeah, like I believe that one.  I loved you so much that I didn’t really care, though.  I cared more about YOU than I did about how you decorated the living room.

            My mind is like a sieve lately; I can’t concentrate on a thing.  A square that should have taken me two days to do; took me a week.  And I keep forgetting things.  I’m SOOO afraid that I will forget a bill or forget something important.  I don’t have much of an appetite, either.  That part doesn’t bother me too much as I have some extra weight that I can stand to lose.  Mom was worried about me not eating, but I’ve been eating about once a week and I actually had some chocolate today.  Food just doesn’t look good at all.  I’ve been drinking a lot of fluids so I’m okay there and when I eat; I make sure it’s nutritious. 

            Speaking of nutritious, brother-in-law Bruce did some pulled pork last night and it was really good.  You would have liked it a lot.  Shirley gave me some to take home and I had it for dinner tonight.  Bruce’s grill is HUGE and I could imagine The Home Improvement loving it and saying, “More power.”  LOL

            Christian and Isaiah had fun at the reception last night.  They played with the other kids a lot.  At one point, Josh had the football and he had four little kids trying to tackle him and it wasn’t doing a thing to him.  I just had to laugh about it.  And Isaiah and Christian have been arguing a lot.  Isaiah hasn’t been nice to Christian at all.  I wonder if that’s his grief coming out.  And Christian has been going to his friends’ houses a lot.  I think he feels better if he keeps busy.  I hope his anger problems don’t come out later on since he’s been doing so much better recently.

            Isaiah made a diagram about how to put up the pool.  It was so cute.  He wanted to put it up with you and you were supposed to do that last weekend.  Steve said he would put it up with him.  I don’t even know what chemicals to use in it at all!  That brings me back to, “How am I going to do this alone?  How am I going to figure out how to do everything that I need to do?  Who is going to fix my car now?  And who is going to trim the bushes that need to be trimmed?”  You did so much around here and your presence is everywhere in the house.

            Your hats are still on the dryer and your towels are still on your dresser.  It’s like suspended animation; they’re waiting for you to come back.  And I can’t think about anyone touching your things.  Shirley mentioned Bruce wanting to buy a few tools that Bryan had and I told her I wasn’t selling anything.  I don’t care what the tool is; it’s staying here.  I couldn’t parcel out your belongings like you were a ‘thing’; you were my guy and that’s part of you.  It might not make logical sense, but I’m not ready to let go yet. 

            I’m not sure how we’re all going to muddle through this without you.  It is going to be hard.  I’ve been told to take one day at a time and that’s what I’m trying to do, but it’s SOOOO hard.  I keep thinking of things we did and things we said to each other.  I remember when we got engaged how you told me you liked the 50 year anniversary pictures in the paper and how you wanted to be in there someday.  I thought that was sweet of you.  You weren’t a gushy, romantic guy, but you were steady and I could always count on you.  If I called you up, I knew you were on my side and I knew that you loved me.  There was lots of times that I just couldn’t believe that you loved me like that and I wondered what I had done to deserve someone as wonderful as you.

            I remember how it took you four dates to kiss me and I finally asked you where those four kids you had came from.  LOL  And then you made me wait until the END of the fourth date before you kissed me, too!  I remember I was standing in my front hall in front of the mirror and you finally bent over and kissed me.  I honestly only remember three first kisses and you were one of them.  Your kiss was so passionate that it made my toes curl.  I couldn’t believe that I made you THAT nervous and that it took you so long to just kiss me.  Then I thought that if you were able to wait a month to kiss me it really showed how much you respected me.

            You told me later that you were afraid it would scare me off.  I thought that was really cute.  And then when you asked me to marry you after less than three months of dating; I just KNEW that you were the right guy for me and that I couldn’t find a better guy.  You had all of the traits in a man that I was looking for.  There were only three things about you that bothered me and honestly they never stopped bothering me, but no one is perfect and I knew I could live with those three things.

            A few days after you asked me to marry me, you said, “I should ask your Dad” and I said it would be a good idea because I thought it would be darn funny to watch you ask him since you were rather shy.  So, that Saturday we went to my parent’s house and you sat there for a half hour saying NOTHING at all.  I finally started bumping your leg as if to say, “Say something” and you looked at me and said, “What?” like you didn’t know what I meant!  Men…LOL  Then you looked at my Dad and said, “I’d like to marry your daughter” and my Dad laughed and said, “Run while you can…”  I often reminded you of that fact when I said or did something ‘blonde’ that kind of made you shake your head.  I would say, “Remember, Bryan, my Dad told you to run while you could” and you would say, “I should have listened to him.”  LOL

            Of course, you never meant it; we just liked joking around a lot.  We both had such awful marriages the first time around that we needed to have fun together.  We needed to be able to have fun and laugh together and enjoy life.  I think we accomplished that pretty good.  You did and said things and you made me laugh SOOO much!  I loved that about you.  I always knew that we were a team.  I’m back to thinking, “how can I be a team of one?”    

            I am writing all of these thoughts and memories down so that Isaiah will know how I felt about you.  Of course, I have the advantage here because I can say things about you and slant the memories my way!  Just kidding on that one; I love you too much to slam you and say bad things about you.  I will tell him the truth about you as I know it.  I will tell him what type of person you were and how you acted and what you liked.  I hope he will remember you and I feel so bad that he can’t spend time with you any longer.  Boys need their Dads; how can I be both Mom and Dad?

            You weren’t a reader so you never read The Giver.  You missed out on a great book there.  Anyway, The Giver was the keeper of the memories for the town he lived in.  I am the keeper of your memories.  I will write them down so Isaiah will always know about his Daddy.  If the only memories he will have are the ones I and others who knew you give him, then I will give him that.  I love you and him enough to do the best job I can in this area.

            More later, hon.  Bye for now!